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8 Satire/Fun

PAW PRINT October 2013

Mysterious New Yorker discovered not to be costumed Chicagoan

Jack-o-’lantern Crossword by Dennis Sotelo

By Jack Marrinson Staff Writer

Editor’s Note: Paw Print apologizes for the sub-par quality of this month’s satire article, in comparison to last month’s. We would like to assure you that the staff writer responsible has been summarily flogged.

Across: Down: 3. What goes further the slower it goes? 1. What can be heard and caught but never seen? 4. Jacob and Wilhelm; the Brothers ________. 2. I go to sleep with my shoes on. 6. What instruments do zombies play? 4. What grows down as it grows up? 9. What belongs to you but is used more by others? 5. The more you take, the more you leave behind. 10. Trick or ________! 7. Popular Halloween accessory used to hide one’s 12. What is a witch’s favorite subject in school? identity. 14. What word in the dictionary is spelled incorrectly? 8. Halloween is also known as ______ Night. 16. Humpty dumpty sat on a _______. 11. Considered to be Halloween’s theme song, Mi19. M&Ms are considered America’s _________ can- chael Jackson’s ______. dies. 13. Kinemortophobia is the fear of _______. 21. What five letter word becomes shorter when you 15. What has a bottom on its top? add –er? 17. What do you call a witch in the desert? 23. What binds two people but touches only one? 18. Without this you will die, however, below it or in 25. The most common phobia is the fear of ______. it you will also eventually die. 27. This popular fall pastime involves riding in a sleigh 20. This instrument can make any sound but cannot or wagon. be touched or seen. 22. What goes up but can never come down? 24. I am a little house full of meat but with no door to go in and eat. 26. How many holes are in the world?

Frequent visitors to Old Town will no doubt be familiar with the Mysterious New Yorker, a recent addition to the neighborhood’s collection of unusual characters, joining the ranks of Adult Impersonating Two Kids in a Trenchcoat Impersonating an Adult and Craig the Impaler, among others. The Mysterious New Yorker stands on street corners throughout Old Town, wearing a Yankees cap, eating a hot dog with ketchup on it, dispensing stock advice. While initially presumed to be a costumed Chicagoan getting into the spirit of Halloween, new police intelligence suggests that the man is a genuine New Yorker, and should be treated with extreme caution. New Yorkers, feared and despised throughout the land, have long been considered perfect fodder for Halloween costumes. Last year alone over 450 Chicagoans purchased New Yorker Halloween costumes, and even more chose to assemble unique New Yorker disguises of their own. While these costumes are all in good fun, po-

lice have warned that they could camouflage the presence of a genuine New Yorker in our midst. Indeed, it seems that this very scenario has now come to fruition. “I never thought that something like this could happen,” said Wilhelmina Fairfax, hysterical local hag. “Not in my lifetime.” “I don’t feel safe walking to and from the train station anymore,” Minh “Minnie” Nguyen ‘15 admitted. “How long are we going to tolerate this menace? Won’t somebody think of the children?” demanded John Burkegoode, antiques salesman and disgraced former schoolmaster. Police have posted a tuppenny reward for any citizen who provides information leading to the arrest of the New Yorker and an additional thruppence to any brave lad or lass possessed of the wherewithal to bring this maniac in, dead or alive. In a press conference on the 12th, the Chief of Police authorized the use of extreme prejudice in the apprehension of the New Yorker while winking and gesturing to the revolver tucked into the waistband of his sweatpants. Only when this heinous criminal is safely behind bars, or better yet underground, can the people of Old Town sleep easy again.

Reflections on Halloween By Olivia Piazza Entertainment Editor

Halloween has passed, leaving young ones full of rotting teeth and crumpled up costumes after a night of trick or treating. My personal trick or treating experiences have had some memorable moments over the years. I remember tricking the old man who gave out full-size candy bars into thinking I was a different kid the second time I came up to his house. I remember thinking I was so sneaky and clever when I read the “Please take one” sign and then proceeded to dump the contents of the bowl of candy into my pumpkin. I can remember feeling extremely uncomfortable as a grown woman in a deluxe witches costume told me to eat a newt from her cauldron when all I wanted was candy. I can even remember the time when I put my hand in a candy bowl, searching for a Hershey’s, only to feel a bear claw clamp down on my hand. I didn’t even get candy. I just screamed and ran. Now that I’ve stopped trick or treating, I’m on door duty, saying “Happy Halloween” for hours on end to adults grabbing candy for their five-month-olds and teenagers dressed up in jeans and their

favorite t-shirt. One fun aspect of Halloween is watching people trying to drag their crying children up to my door, full of rattling skeleton bones, screams, and fog. However, hearing the doorbell every few seconds, pausing your TV show for the fiftieth time, praying that you have enough candy for all of the princesses and vampires is not so fun. Looking back, Halloween is a pretty fun holiday, but as I get older, it becomes more and more of a hassle. What’s in store for us down the road? Well, although our teachers are only a few years older than us, I thought I should ask them about their memories and experiences concerning Halloween: “I don’t give out candy.” -Mr. Baldwin “When we moved to the U.S. we thought Halloween was spoiled American children walking around demanding candy.” -Mr. Wu “Some years I get a lot of candy; other years I don’t get enough. If I don’t have enough, I have my son give me his candy.” -Ms. Lu

Restaurant Review: Yolk

Happy Halloween, Payton. Photo by commons. “I leave it to my downstairs neighbor and hide in my house.” -Ms. Spooner “I helped a friend make a flying buttress costume.” -Ms. Guizzetti “I was twelve and I lived in a rural neighborhood, and there was this ramshackle house that I went to to be polite. This creepy woman told me she had candy, but it was in the kitchen, so I went in but I couldn’t have left faster.” -Ms. Johnston “When I was in seventh grade, I got hit in the face with an egg by my brother’s friend.” -Ms. Nantwi

By Olivia Piazza Entertainment Editor Located at 747 N. Wells, Yolk specializes in breakfast foods and a privately labeled coffee. Meals at Yolk run between three and 20 dollars, depending on whether you choose one of their mouthwatering breakfasts, healthy lunches, or delicious desserts. The atmosphere reminds one of a fifties diner, with a counter and booths, but Yolk puts a cute spin on this vintage look with yellow, white, and blue decor, with quirky wall accents. Whether you want a nice place to go with your partner, or with a group of friends, Yolk can accommodate you all. If you are going for a quiet breakfast or brunch, you might want to check out Yolk, however, because the counter and the kitchen are connected, and because Yolk can be very busy and loud, you may want to reconsider eating there. Besides the atmosphere, the service was excellent, our water glasses were never ignored, and the staff was very friendly. Foodwise, Yolk lives up to its raving

Delicious and affordable breakfasts are at Yolk. Photo by Olivia Piazza reviews. In our group, we had fruit and nut pancakes, buttermilk pancakes, belgian waffles, huevos rancheros, and a combination breakfast. Each breakfast was served with maple syrup and butter, along with hot sauce if you like to spice up your morning. Overall, I would definitely recommend Yolk to anyone who loves to try “new and creative breakfasts,” according to eatyolk. com, and enjoys friendly service along with a fun atmosphere. Eat at Yolk.

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