Family Ideology Alexis Paulson
Before you read. First, I would like to introduce myself. My name is Alexis Paulson. I was born in Shelbyville, Indiana and was raised in Indianapolis, Indiana. I feel like there are some things I need to address before you read these poems I have presented before you. To my family who reads this, please listen. I have come to learn that I can better explain myself through words than telling you how I feel. Writing helps to keep the tears and the emotions to myself. That being said, most of what I say is my perception of reality. What I see, think, and feel will be different than your own. Everyone also has different views and opinions, and I hope we can respect that with each other. As you read through my poems, I hope that you as the reader will get to understand how I perceive my ideology of family. In my first section, I write a few poems to some members of my family. With each poem, I try to plead out to the subject, to hear what I have to say. In the second section, I write poems about my pets. I have always seen my pets as family. They will always mean the world to me. In the third section, you will read poems about the family entity ‘s impact on myself. There are some real-world events involved that have impacted all our lives at this moment I am writing. My intentions here are to never offend people, especially my family. No matter the history or the present, I will always love them. With all that being said, I hope you enjoy my poems.
Table of Contents Section 1: Dear (1) Pappaw (2) Little One (3) L&M Section 2: Pets Are Family Too (4) Morty (5) Canine Adversary (6) Summer (7) Edgar Section 3: The Impact (8) Broken Down (9) Looking Forward (10) Stuck (11) What to do. (12) Mass Hysteria (13) Covid-19 (14) What I Know (15) What Have I Learned?
Dear
1
Pappaw As each day goes on we come closer to your end. It may be tomorrow, or it may be 10 years. Pappaw, you’ve been my best friend since I was a little kid. You have been there for me. From scratches and scrapes to getting my period while camping Always coming to my rescue. As I go through my phases in life, You are the only one that did not change on me. I want you to live forever; the impossible. Health is not your priority but is mine. With each doctor visit you miss and with each puff you take your life is shortened even more Each puff is one less moment you could have had with me or Jackson and Joe. I want you to see my future to see who I become. Neglecting your health will not get you there. Please Pappaw, Take care of yourself.
2
Little One You approach two year with your whole life ahead of you. Family is important, especially ours. We have lost loved ones and we have gained new ones Cherish your innocence and the ability to gain new knowledge. With each year added to your life, are more memories gained. Never be afraid of new experiences. Your giggles make us smile, reminding us why life is great. One look from you is all it takes, to wash away the grief, the sadness we face everyday since we lost your mom. Your smile and your big heart warms us with each hug. I know you will be someone awesome your mom always walking every step with you Seeing you grow into yourself.
3
L&M These past 2 years have been crazy for everyone. If you have not realized this yet, life is not easy. We are thrown curveballs and we will always have our ups and downs. One day might be good, but the next not so much.
Both of you still have your entire life to live. You can do so much with it. Lately, I have been disappointed in the paths you have chosen. This does not mean I hate you. It does not mean I no longer want to be a part of your lives. I know things have been tough since you lost your mom. Trust me. I know.
Others and I only want what is best. We have made mistakes and plenty of them.
You both are beautiful and smart. You can do anything you want. I just want you to always be safe and happy.
Pets Are Family Too
4
Morty The best $600 I ever spent on a wrinkly blessing Innocence always plastered on your face You are big bulgy eyes make my knees crumble to the ground to cover you in a million kisses Your legs disproportionate to your body but you still add more rolls with each beg for our food We call you by many names Mortimer Torty-Morty Mortimus and sometimes Mortimus Prime Mom loves you and you are Dad’s new favorite It is hard to tell sometimes If you are truly sad or not You always look sad Sometimes I can get a smile from you with the right combinations of belly rubs and scratchies TREAT Your favorite word You always whip your head And head for the treats To indulge and fill your belly beyond capacity At the end of the day I always tell you that you were the best $600 I ever spent
5
Canine Adversary Since the beginning knowledge of domesticated cats and dogs, We all know They hate each other I own only one cat One day I will have a dog...or two My dearest feline friend You will have to love them You will have to learn to share Not everything can be yours Our cuddle parties will soon have more cuddle buddies You must love your enemy because one day they might save you either from the neighbor dog or from the evil socks that watch you
6
Summer, I see you resting upon my bed Eyes gleaming into my head Your fluffy brown and grey fur peeking out from each toe spilling out of your ears You seem to keep growing like most Maine Coons do Your adoption less than two months ago Changed our lives for the better Soothing purrs radiate as you knead your paws You lay wherever you please You come running when I break the seal of your cans of food Gobbling up every bite You’ve stolen my chicken bites and pizza too I tell you no “human food” Your whisps greet me each morning as we start each day together
7
Edgar As I stand here looking down at your grave, I remember the day we bought you. The manager at PetSmart told me it was a bad idea. Hamsters were not good pets, let alone the Russian Dwarf ones. You remined me of cookies and cream, with your black speckles and white creamy fur. You were named after Edgar Allan Poe. The manger at PetSmart was very wrong about you. In your lifetime, you may have bit me once. Which I was never mad about. Because I too would be scared if I saw a big hand come down at me and try to sweep me up. I know I told myself that I would not cry, but I can feel the tears trickle down. I always made sure you had the best life. You loved your nuts and seeds. You loved when I got your playpen out, with all of your little houses, slide, swing, and bridge. I could always find you snuggled into your bedding. I would shower you in kisses and make sure you were always happy. When you died, others told me you were just a hamster. That you were nothing to cry over. They are wrong. You will always be my little hammy.
The Impact
8
Broken Down I can say without a doubt, my mother is the best who gets treated like the worst There was never a moment where she lacked support for us with each new phase and hobby She supported and bought whatever I needed From High School Musical to Justin Bieber She was there and supported me through them all My aunt passed away over a year ago Family is important to my mom She stepped up the second she could Half of the week for the past year is spent with people Who make fun of her Take advantage of her and never show appreciation My phone has rung several times her cries ringing in my ear to tell me what they did to her this time My mom is great She tries her damned best everyday Just to end some days beaten down in the rough
9
Looking Forward I am not the same person that I was 10 years ago or even 1 year ago Recently I have learned something We hold on strongly to our past Everyone is worried about the past What about tomorrow? Or what about a year from now? Tomorrow I have classes and over a year from now graduation I wake up each day wondering what I am going to do today What am I going to do tomorrow? I never look behind me wondering what could have been As I take each stride forward I notice others trip on their own feet by looking back too much
10
Stuck Everyone expects a lot of me 2 jobs and a full-time student My jobs are not so hard Student Librarian and Support Staff for my brother Being a student is more than just about the homework. No one thinks about my mental health No one thinks it makes things harder I wake up each day Wondering why am I doing this? I must give myself a pep talk each morning You can do this You are the first in your family to go to college Sometimes I do not make it out of bed and I roll back over to ignore the world I get depressed, sad, and angry I do not need help Just some understanding Of how hard life can be I try every day to make it to work To get my homework done To hang out with friend And make sure I see my family I try to do everything I can And sometimes I fail, and it hurts me With each failure, I try to learn Life is just hard Juggling school, family, friends, work, and mental health
11
What to do. Every day I wake up. Every night I go to sleep. Each day is the same. I am not sure how much more I can take. I try to make the most of it. I have baked new things, like cheddar biscuits and cinnamon swirl cupcakes. We tried being creative By painting wind chimes. We have goals for this quarantine. Each week, we try to watch at least three movies. We want to make a better schedule for our online classes that we were thrown into. There are more moments where I am not sure what to do. I find myself just glued to my phone. What is there to do?
12
Mass Hysteria There has never been a day in my life that there has been a shortage In toilet paper. There is no more hand sanitizer. Do not even think about Lysol. Canned and frozen vegetables all gone off the shelves. I am not sure when it exactly happened. One moment the stores were full, the next wiped clean. I tried not caving in. I should not have bought three packs of toilet paper 6 bottles of antibacterial soap 2 bottles of hand sanitizer 4 bottles of isopropyl alcohol and about $400 worth of food. I wanted to get more. It still did not feel like enough. My family needed more. Unable to find what they need themselves. I try to get more than I need, so I can give to them. But that is what it does to you. Mass Hysteria.
13
Covid-19 As of March 27th, 2020, at 9:12 pm local time there have been 587,958 confirmed cases, 26,909 deaths, and 132,440 recovered cases. Some people are taking this seriously, but others are not. “It’s just the flu.” I hear it all the time. Is it because they are scared? Trying to make yourself believe, it is going to be okay. Or do they not care? You may be healthy. But what about others? The elderly and people with compromised immune systems. I am one of those people. I have asthma and a heart disease and a weak immune system. I think about my family. Several could be killed by this due to their health. I have heard it is like the flu, but times 10. Why would anyone want that?
14
What I Know The sky is blue While the grass below is green Earth is round, not flat Global warming exists growing a bigger concern each day The sun rises and sets each day Our five senses determine what we know Pickles are just cucumbers Barbeque sauce is ketchup with brown sugar Flamingos are grey Sadly, literature is dying My eyes have witnessed several books go untouched their last checkout day nearly 70 years ago What I know to be true is not true for everyone We all have different views and experiences The past has shown that there are always at least two sides to a story
15
What Have I Learned? I grew up thinking that family were the one group of people that I could trust. That they would always tell me the truth. Apparently, that is not the case.
They might say they are telling the truth. But how do you know for sure, without being in their head. I cannot hear their conscious. I may say I believe you or I might make myself believe that, but there will always be that lingering doubt in the back.
There is always two sides to a story. So how can I tell which one to believe? In the end, I do not choose either story I am told. Instead, I believe these are their truths that they believe. Everyone’s brain works differently. Our opinions, thoughts, perceptions are going to be different. Causing more and more different stories to be told.
I always had this doubt towards others, but never for family until now. That is not necessarily bad.
I have just learned about too many lies to know what the truth is anymore.