6 Ways to Stop Blaming and Complaining

By John Millen

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the Wwsdom to know the difference.

— Alcoholics Anonymous Serenity Prayer

Most of the large organizations I work with are undergoing tremendous change, which often produces great tension and conflict. That’s why, when working with teams of leaders, I’ll often include a slide that says:

NO CBD!

Of course, those leaders, maybe like you, think I mean the increasingly popular CBD, Cannabidiol, the marijuana/hemp derivative, which is said to create a sense of calm and wellbeing. My prescription is different, but can also give you a sense of calm and well-being. My full slide reads:

NO CBD!

No Complaining

No Blaming

No Defensiveness

These three behaviors—complaining, blaming, and defensiveness—are what we revert to when we are under stress. When we feel threatened by changes in our professional or personal lives, we often take solace in verbalizing our misery. We complain about the changes, we blame other people, we defend ourselves and our egos.

As leaders, we must avoid CBD at all costs. For leaders today, our number one job is to lead people through constant change. Some researchers posit that the pace of change today is the slowest we will see in our lives.

All of these CBD behaviors, while maybe providing momentary ego relief, have zero positive effects. In fact, they often have negative effects: dragging other people down; increasing the negativity in your organization; or even being counterproductive, making the effects of change worse.

Complaining everywhere

And this doesn’t only happen in the workplace. People carry convenience-sized CBD with them wherever they go.

In some organizations, teams spend their time fighting one another, wasting time and energy, instead of fighting their competitors.

For some people, complaining is a way of life, blaming others in good times and bad. For most of us, we can fall into this pattern under stress, sometimes not realizing where we are.

It’s critical for leaders to be positive and proactive during change. Here are six keys for dealing with CBD in yourself and others:

1. Change your perspective. Our response to change often stems from the fear of loss. Through our evolution as human beings, we have been hard-wired to protect our resources. We view work as a zero-sum game: any change at work means I might lose out and someone else will get my stuff.

That’s part of why we often hear people say, “I hate change!” In my workshops, I’ll ask leaders to move beyond this emotional reaction by considering the fact that we accept and even encourage change in our personal lives: we marry, we have children, we move to bigger houses… and change continues.

As they say, the only certainty in life is change.

2. Control your response. We don’t have control over events but we can control our responses. No one can make you angry— only you can decide your response to something others do or say. If you need reinforcement on this point write down the passage of the Alcoholics Anonymous Serenity Prayer at the start of this article.

3. Reframe as a problem solver. Consistent with controlling your response is reframing yourself to be a problem solver. Taking action on what you can solve will give you a sense of control and mastery over your own destiny.

Start with small wins. It will not only help you, but those around you as they see a proactive problem solver at work. If you can’t solve a problem, let it go. It’s not yours to worry about.

4. Limit your complaining. I’ve worked with a woman sales leader who uses her “five-minute rule.” She allows her team to complain as much as they want, let it loose—for five minutes. After that, accept where you are and move on.

5. Get it out of your system. Sometimes five minutes is not enough. You can reduce your anger, anxiety, and other emotions by releasing them from your mind and body. Exercise, meditation, and mindfulness are great practices to find your balance. To release a specific issue, consider writing it down. Write an angry email that vents all of your true feelings— without adding a name. Do not send this email!

Keeping a journal or writing lists of concerns over time might allow you to see a pattern of your persistent concerns.

6. Let it go. Easier said than done, but we benefit from just letting things go. Most changes in our lives are not as bad or as good as we see them at the time. In the end, most will be a blip on the radar.

In work and life, change is inevitable. Your response is not. Choose to be proactive.

Stay away from CBD! 

John Millen, storytelling and communication coach, conference speaker, and course creator, has more than 25 years of communication experience, including serving as VP of Communications for Fortune 100 companies nationwide and The Hartford. His purpose is to help leaders and entrepreneurs grow their businesses and careers by developing their storytelling and communication skills. Learn more at johnmillen.com