opportunities for families to spend time together and more pressure at the end of the day when homework still isn’t done. Add a problem or conflict – such as fear of a bully or worrying about grades – and the stress can feel insurmountable to a child. What can parents do to help? ✼ Limit the causes of stress in your children’s lives, and make sure they have enough downtime. “If their lives and schedules get too demanding, put your foot down and say enough’s enough,” says Denise Moutafis, the mother of two grown boys and head teacher at a private day school in Massachusetts. “Their anxiety builds when they feel like everything is going to come crashing down around them.” Moutafis says she and her colleagues are often the first to notice signs of stress in a child. She’ll first try to assess whether the source of stress is at school, including problems with classmates or schoolwork. Then she’ll approach parents to see if there’s trouble at home. “It makes such a difference if we know that a grandparent is ill, or a pet just died, or home causes a major meltdown every night,” Moutafis says. “When a parent talks to us first, we can anticipate how a child might act at school.” ✼ With very young children, try to take on some of the burden. That might mean hanging up a dream catcher if the nighttime starts feeling scary, or calling a teacher or another parent to resolve a conflict at school. “Work with children to solve the problem and help them move forward,” Kindlon says. “Give them a sense that there is always something you can do, even if you don’t think it will work. Just letting them sit there feeling afraid is the worst thing you can do.” ✼ Talk with your kids about what stresses them, maintain a sense of humor and give them some perspective. Remind your middle-schooler that a bad grade or two won’t prevent her from going to college. “You want them to work hard,” Kindlon says. “But if they give their best effort, let it fall the way it falls. And let them know you love them even if they get a C on a test.” ✼ Let your children know that you’re always available to listen and you’ll try to help. Being able to talk about the stress they’re feeling, and knowing you’re there to support them no matter what, helps tremendously. As with any health issues, if you suspect your child is more seriously affected by stress, talk to your pediatrician about how to respond and what other steps may be needed. ■ Lisa Kosan is a writer, editor and the mother of two boys from Beverly.
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