Legacy Arts | Issue 4 | May 2016

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MAY 2016 | PARAGONROAD.COM

5 STORIES

That Improve Your Children’s Self-Esteem + KIDS WHO HAVE AN IDEA ABOUT THEIR FAMILY’S PAST HAVE HIGHER LEVELS OF SELF-ESTEEM, AN INTERNAL LOCUST OF CONTROL, BETTER FAMILY FUNCTIONING, LOWER ANXIETY, FEWER BEHAVIORAL PROBLEMS AND BETTER RESILIENCY.

MEANINGFUL Estate Planning WHY ATTORNEY MARTHA HARTNEY BELIEVES “MEANING” IS ESSENTIAL FOR EVERY ESTATE PLAN.

Family Dynamics and Wealth Transfer FAMILIES ARE KINSHIP SYSTEMS. THEY MUST GAIN A SENSE OF TRIBAL COHESION TO BE SUCCESSFUL.

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Contents

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A Legacy Worthy of Carnegie

How President and CEO of Dale Carnegie Training, Joseph K. Hart, Jr. incorporates lessons he learned in his 20s to this day.

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The Meaning of Life is What You Make of It

How real estate superstar, Joan Lonergan, cultivates a passion for the arts, manages a successful residential sales enterprise and gives back to her community.

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In The Mists Of Joseon

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Meaningful Estate Planning

Cultural preservation in Korea.

Why attorney Martha Hartney believes “meaning� is essential for every estate plan.


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Sharing Family Stories on Mother’s Day

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How Family Dynamics Affects Wealth Transfer

How to make this year a little more meaningful.

Q&A with family cultural expert, Matthew Wesley.

5 Stories to Enhance Your Children’s Self-Esteem

Studies show that children who have an idea about their family’s past have higher levels of self-esteem, an internal locust of control, better family functioning, lower anxiety, fewer behavioral problems and better resiliency.

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Spirituality and Business

Why James I. Anthony Jr. hires based on values and leads with a spiritual focus.

Ancient Wisdom: Shempa The Tibetan Buddhist Concept of Being Hooked.


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ISSUE 4 | MAY 2016

Paragon Road PUBLISHER Laura Roser EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Brian C. Hailes ART DIRECTOR Marko Nedeljkovic DESIGN Matthew Roser CONTENT EDITOR

Jim Anthony, CEO of Colliers International Joseph K. Hart, Jr., CEO of Dale Carnegie Training Joan Lonegran, Broker/Owner of Coldwell Banker Village Green Realty Matthew Wesley, Founder of The Wesley Group

Dale Carnegie Training Mike Bishop Martha Hartney Amanda Kelly Rachael Rifkin

Paragon Road Rady School of Management University of California, San Diego Collier’s International

Laura Roser Matthew Roser

Share your product or service with thousands of real estate investors around the world through our digital magazine and main website. Email: advertising@paragonroad.com

Have a good idea for an article, feedback or suggestions for our magazine? Email the editor directly: editor@paragonroad.com


A Legacy Worthy of Carnegie: How President and CEO of Dale Carnegie Training, Joe Hart, incorporates lessons he learned in his 20s to this day.

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uch of Hart’s sense of purpose is tied to the work he does. He said he often thinks about the question: “What leads to a happy life?”—“I believe we all have hardwired in us a desire to do something meaningful and significant, and to help other people.”

In 1998, Hart generated a plan for this system that would become his first business endeavor, InfoAlly. The company offered online programs to supplement Dale Carnegie courses. He sold InfoAlly in 2005 and went on to help start yet another company called Health Asset where he served as President until joining Dale Carnegie in 2015.

He goes on to add, “I love what I do because it is a huge opportunity to make a difference and it is an unbelievable honor to be a part of the Dale Carnegie legacy.”

His only regret is that he didn’t experience the Dale Carnegie training sooner, which is why he encouraged his daughters at 14 and 15 to enroll.

Utilizing Carnegie Values to Build Character, Confidence and a Successful Enterprise

Even as a young man in his 20s, Hart played to his strengths and demonstrated a profound amount of dedication to his work. He recognized what he excelled at, pursued law school, and then started practicing law with a major firm. At 27, he enrolled in a Dale Carnegie course. “It unlocked all sorts of things within me. I recognized that a lot of times you when you experience something, you don’t apply what you’ve learned. As a result, I developed a system to make those things that I learned habitual in my everyday life.”

“It has just been unbelievable to see what Dale Carnegie has done for them,” he says. “I mean you talk about legacy and impact—it’s amazing to see kids talking about how they lacked confidence, how they were bullied, whatever it might be, and then they had this Dale Carnegie experience and it really unlocked something inside of them and changed the trajectory of their lives.”

Hart Family Values

Embracing core values such as personal integrity, respect for others and gratitude is essential to how Hart and his wife have raised their children. He admits it is not always a perfect system, but nevertheless as parents, they’ve reinforced these principles as often as possible.

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Joe Hart, is the President and CEO of Dale Carnegie Training, a worldwide leader in professional development, leadership training and employee engagement. As a Dale Carnegie graduate himself, Hart worked with the company as a strategic partner for ten years prior to assuming his present role as President and CEO. He lives in New York with his wife and six children.

“Respect is a very important part of what we believe as a family. Additionally, I think it is hard to be happy if you’re not grateful, so we emphasize the importance of gratitude and responsibility—do what you say you’re going to do.”

Making the Most of Our Time

“My personal path has been very winding,” Hart says, “so if I could go back and tell my younger self anything it would be to learn as much as you can, stay positive and be enthusiastic about the future because life is great. We are fortunate for the time that we have. Believe in yourself and trust yourself—you’re going to make mistakes and that’s okay, just keep on moving.” At this stage of his life, Hart does not envision a retirement date. He hopes to continue contributing to the Dale Carnegie legacy for years to come. “I have one life here and I want to live it to its fullest. For me, part of that means that I’m contributing in some way. I love what I’m doing and I hope to continue doing it for a long time.”

Dale Carnegie (1888-1955)

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Developing the Attitudes of Leadership The Most Successful People are Engaged at Work and in Life. Dale Carnegie Course Graduates are 62% More Engaged. Find Out More! www.dalecarnegie.com



The Meaning of Life is

WHAT YOU MAKE OF IT How real estate superstar, Joan Lonergan, cultivates a passion for the arts, manages a successful residential sales enterprise and gives back to her community.

by Amanda Kelly

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y artistic and creative side says that part of what makes me happy is working on my own personal development, allowing for a journey of self-discovery to unfold without any perceived pressure of ‘greatness,’” Joan Lonergan says. “The other part of me, the more business-oriented side, finds great joy in helping to change someone’s life. I’m very much a give-back person.” Lonergan grew up “wading through the streams and wandering the woods of the Catskill Mountains.” After earning her degree in fine arts and working successfully as a graphic designer in New York City, she returned to Woodstock in the late 80s. By 1990, she had acquired her real

estate license and started her own business, Village Green Realty. “I never took a business course in my life, but early on I wholly embraced the idea that the simplest way to do well is to put yourself in the place of a consumer and ask what do they want and how can I create an extraordinary experience for someone? I wasn’t thinking about starting a company back then. This whole process has been extremely organic.” She goes on, “If you had told me back then that I would be sitting where I am today, doing what I am doing, I wouldn’t have believed you.” Lonergan joined Coldwell Banker in 2001. Her company has expanded to be the largest real estate agency in Ulster and Greene counties, N.Y. “It’s amazing what doing your best can accomplish.”

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Planning for the Future Early On “I think legacy starts with identifying that you’re not going to live forever,” she says. As a self-declared “planner” Lonergan knew by the time she turned 55 (she’s now 61) that she’d be either grooming someone to inherit her business or she would sell it altogether. “It was important to me, in terms of my legacy, to have and orchestrate this plan. Most of my competitors don’t think ahead about who will lead their companies if something were to happen to them,” she explains. “I


Joan Lonergan is the Broker/Owner of Coldwell Banker Village Green Realty. Her company is the largest real estate agency in Ulster and Greene Counties, NY, with 100 agents and support staff. Lonergan has served on a number of local boards in her community, including Woodstock Byrdcliffe Guild. She lives in Woodstock with her husband Jim.

feel responsible for the people that work for me and I always thought that if I didn’t set it up so that this could continue with the same company culture, with someone that can move it forward, the business would fail. It is my goal to be fully confident that there is a total transition before I step away.”

Balancing a Creative Passion with Work-Life Reality Lonergan opened her real estate offices to artists in Woodstock from the beginning; it was a way for her to maintain her commitment to the arts community, speak to her artistic

training and also make a living. “I get a chance to offer more than just real estate to my community. My love of art has remained a constant throughout my life. All of our offices are galleries where I exhibit my own photography and the work of other local artists.”

Mexican highlands. She rents a studio, immerses herself in the city’s vibrant artistic community and devotes time to her ceramic projects. In the future, once she’s certain her real estate company has transitioned into capable hands, Lonergan hopes to spend more time in Mexico.

Since 2010, Lonergan has served as a board member at Woodstock Byrdcliffe Guild, which offers one of the oldest continuing artist-inresidence programs. “I would love to leave a legacy with this organization of developing a ceramics program that is great for the community and for artists. I love not only the medium, but also that I get to give something that will enhance the lives of a whole bunch of other people.”

“I have found that going away for a month gives me that concentrated time to do my work,” she says. “But I don’t think I have balanced that side of my life as well as I could have. When you have a business that you’re passionate about, the other things have a tendency to take a backseat, but you have to make the time for them one way or another. I think I’ll have to reinvent myself a bit when I retire, you know, because when I walk out of the door in Woodstock people know me as a real estate broker, and so going someplace new and reestablishing myself as an artist is what I see for the future.” n

As far as her personal projects, Lonergan currently spends one month of the year in San Miguel de Allende nestled in the central

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Cultural Preservation in Korea by Matthew Roser

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orea, the ancient “Hermit” Kingdom, as it was once called, remained enshrouded in mystery for much of its time. Romantic tales told of a land that wore the ocean fog like a pale cloak. A strange people emerged from behind its veil, bearing gifts of ginseng and other tribute for the mighty emperor of China. Bandits and lurking dangers often roamed the path to that unknown land for those brave enough to wander the Peninsula. This enigmatic kingdom would see many invaders over its history: China, Russia, Japan, and even the Mongols. Yet, nothing prepared Korea and its people for the challenges it would face when Japan annexed it in 1910. During a 35-year occupation, much of the country’s identity would become threatened. And even after its liberation, Korea would have to survive an all-consuming war as it struggled to piece itself back together in a tenuous modern world. General Douglas MacArthur remarked in his 1951 farewell speech to Congress: “of the nations of the world, Korea alone, up to now, is the sole one which has risked its all against communism. The magnificence of the courage and fortitude of the Korean people defies description. They have chosen to risk death rather than slavery.”

Born out of Heaven

There is evidence of pottery on the Korean Peninsula dating back to the year 10,000 B.C. in the Paleolithic Era. Yet, what we have coined as “Korean” culture supposedly only took place from the year 2,333 B.C. Hwanin (환인), the “Lord of Heaven”, had a restless son named Hwanung (환웅) who yearned to live among the earth. Hwanin permitted his son to descend onto Paektu Mountain (백두산) with 3,000 followers. There he established the “City of God” upon that mountain and called it Sinsi (신시). With the aid of the three holy spirits: clouds, rain, and wind, he instituted laws, moral codes, and taught humans of art, medicine, agriculture, and other various wisdom. The legend continues that a bear and tiger prayed to Hwanung that they might become human. After hearing their prayers, Hwanung gave the two animals twenty cloves of garlic and a bundle of mugwort. He commanded that they only eat these foods and stay out of sunlight for one hundred days. The tiger gave up after twenty days and left the cave, but the bear persevered for all one hundred days. She was transformed into a human woman named Ungnyeo (웅녀). But the bear-woman grew lonely and prayed again to Hwanung that she might have a

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husband in order to bear a child. Moved by her supplication, the mighty lord took Ungnyeo for his wife and she soon bore him a son named Dangun Wanggeom (단군왕검). Dangun succeeded his father and founded the kingdom of Gojoseon (고조선). There he reigned for 1,500 years until he surrendered his throne at the age of 1,908. Dangun then fled into the mountains and became an immortal spirit (Sanshin, 산신). The earliest written record of this creation myth was found in the 13-century Samguk Yusa (삼국유사).

A Robust Nature Many cultures have preservation methods for their food, but few employ those methods as prevalently as the Korean people. We have all heard of kimchi, but dismiss the food as commonplace and then trivialize it with the existence of German sauerkraut. But Korean ingenuity does not end with cabbage; there are salted seafoods, fermented pepper pastes, soybean pastes, soy sauces, endless aged vegetables, onions, garlic, and brewed rice wines. Indeed, these preserving techniques command such respect that they are even found within the creation myth of Korea. If the bear-woman Ungnyeo had to survive for one-hundred days only on mugwort and garlic, these

foods must have been prepared in such a way that would have allowed them to endure. And certainly the enduring quality of these foods is a reflection of the Korean spirit. These seasonal foods may be eaten and enjoyed throughout the year, regardless of the bitter winters and sweltering summers. They are the cornerstone of every meal. They cut with sharp sourness, a salty tang, and that lovable, lingering spice. And these dishes fill the tables and bellies of the Korean people today as much as they did 100 years ago.

An Adversity-Driven Identity These unique recipes are not simply a means of food preservation, but also a symbol for preserving culture. Japan did what any smart invader would do: they sought to rob the Korean people of their cultural identity; but this aggression was not met without resistance. All publications were censored and many innocent people were drafted into labor camps or forced into prostitution. Resistors were reprimanded by beatings and imprisonment, and often executed or raped. The traditional top-knot male hairstyle was phased out and many of Korea’s artifacts and other cultural treasures were plundered or destroyed. The occupation brought a total upheaval as to even force some 80% of Koreans to change their names to those of a Japanese etymology. But a fiery resentment nestled itself in the hearts of the people and a yearning for independence – for the old days of their kin would compel the people to resist their oppressors. Christianity and communistic ideologies would flood into the Peninsula, liken to the words of Moses among the Hebrews of Egypt. One undoing measure for the Japanese was the removal of Chinese from Korean education. Surprisingly, the Japanese instituted that Korean language be the sole and mandatory written system used among the Korean people.

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This renewal of their national tongue bolstered the resolve of the people to fight and gave them greater leverage in their resistance. In addition, literacy and school attendance rates increased dramatically, which also furthered anti-Japanese activities. Like the salty, sour, delicious flavors of a well-aged kimchi being plucked from out its earthen vessel, the people would endure and discover the ancient beauty that had been hidden away for those lost decades. It was old and withered, but strong and ready for the sunlight.

Though neither one side was much better in terms of humanitarian regards at the time, this state of confusion left a wounded people with a blind-folded vision. Five years later, war would rock the Peninsula. Stalinistbacked invaders from the north would invade the south. Unlike the foreign Japanese, these foes were kinsmen. They wore the same face, sang all the familiar songs, and called the misty mountains “home”. Yet, two fiery ideologies would join brother against brother in bloodshed to poison the land of their forefathers. If the Japanese impoverished the spirit of the people, Wandering in the Wilderness then the Korean War of 1950-1953 made decrepit the After the defeat of Japan, Korea was left with a body. In the aftermath, this seemingly tiny nation was confused identity. It would be split by pro-capitalist decimated and made a smoldering wasteland. and pro-communist leaders.

Out of the Ashes

Surprisingly, the story did not end there. Like all great tales, and perhaps similar to the small embers of a spent fire, the faith and determination of the children of Heaven glowed and whirred under settling dust. With their heritage nearly blotted out and their rocky home a glowing inferno, what was left to cling to? What legacy could possibly survive?

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But it was their very hard, unwillingness to give in to the temptation of defeat that was their inheritance. They had already seen the abyss and now any effort or small victory meant only a brighter tomorrow, no matter how meager the action. With little to no natural resources and a severe lack of education and other proper technological systems, Korean had to rapidly change its focus. The country quickly became education-obsessed and the excessive working schedule of its citizens brought about a socioeconomic change unlike any other in history. These later years of course can be debated as negative in many senses, but there is indiscriminate proof that these actions produced the abundant reality we see today. From one of the poorest nations in the world, Korea rose to 11th largest economy in less than 40 years.

Legacy of Nothing

for improvement stretches itself to gyms, bonelengthening procedures, and plastic surgery clinics. The cosmetic industry is booming and zounds of young people regularly adjust their hair in mirrors and windows, always eyeing that “perfect” look. But there comes a time when any people must sit a while and enjoy the fruits of their labors. It is the opinion of this author that the Korean people need to seal up that legacy — that will to endure — back into the crock and place it among the other kimchis. There it will rest and become even more powerful for the time when the people need its galvanizing flavor when pitted against the odds of adversity. But today is not that day. Now is the time for the people to enjoy their bounty and rediscover the taste of freedom and a world that is not so hard. Now is the time for a legacy that is not born from destruction, but out of life. n

It was the attitude that anyone could improve themselves that changed Korea. There was always a way to become better. And this trait is still very much alive today. Koreans regularly go to academies after their work is finished or their classes are over to further themselves in a certain subject, most notably English. The quest

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ENDURING There are families of enduring greatness. They have achieved excellence in times past, yet continue to pursue what made them great. They have stories to tell. They embody high character, are celebrated throughout history and loved by all who know them.

What’s your legacy?

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Meaningful ESTATE PLANNING by Martha Hartney Planning for Death Gives Us Courage to Live Fully Since childhood, death has been kind of a constant companion for me—I’ve lost friends and family, had older parents that I constantly worried would die early (they didn’t). I’ve learned that keeping death in the forefront of my mind has the effect of making me live very carefully and fully. When I got out of law school, as a newly divorced mother of two boys, I wanted to serve families who are doing their best in the world. It seemed like estate planning would be a good practice through which I could support the betterment of the world, one parent at a time. I found out later that planning for death and disability is a very powerful moment in a parent’s life. It’s the one time when we take stock of where we’ve been, what we have accomplished, and what we want to do with our precious time on earth before it all comes to a screeching halt. When parents who have children at home plan, they have the experience of a great weight being lifted off their shoulders. They know that if something happens to them, at least their family could go on, that their children would be cared for. When we can let our worry go, we experience a powerful return of our energy and get back our courage to live a full life.

and valuable lessons that our consciousness-dwelling bodies have, gathering our wisdom along the way. By this definition, true estate planning must also send our inner treasure trove of wisdom into the future, as well as provide financial resources and caretakers for our families. As an estate planner, I would be failing miserably if I did not give our clients an opportunity to transport their teachings and wisdom into the future using technology. We can use our digital wealth to make sure that children and grandchildren can see, hear, and learn from their ancestors. So important is this to our clientele that we devote a significant amount of our firm’s resources to ensuring these stories are captured and transported into the future.

Common Estate Planning Mistakes The mistakes my firm has seen would curl your hair. But the first and biggest mistake is doing nothing. The courts are

The Difference Between Wealth and Money In our practice, we define “wealth” as the consciousness that resides in our body. We define “money” as the fuel that propels the body through life, having the experiences

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clogged with people who figured they could procrastinate on their planning only to find that life has a different idea. We call this, “The Do Nothing Plan.” The Do Nothing Plan works. There’s a system designed to handle it--it’s called the probate system--which is a court-supervised disposition or management of someone’s estate, that caters first to one’s creditors, and only after to their family. By failing to plan, we assure that at some point, someone will have to be in front of a judge. It’s that simple. There are far too many mistakes to include here. But here are a few: Trying to DIY an estate plan. DIYing might work for a few people (though I don’t know any). It’s kind of like trying to perform an appendectomy on yourself. People who DIY either spend precious time and energy researching something they can’t possibly become an expert in, which leaves their families at risk all the while; or they actually do it themselves with forms they find in the office store or online. I have yet to read any online forms that are very good. Passable, maybe, and rarely that. And the DIY plan certainly does not come with the expertise a strong planner can offer. Not having a revocable living trust when your assets reach a modestly successful level. I believe some people are simply mistrustful when an attorney says they should have a revocable living trust. In my experience, there is no more powerful way to maintain governance over one’s own life than a revocable living trust. Many families would be well served by living trusts. Not everyone, but many.

Believing when someone says “probate in this state is easy.” This is pure fiction. No court proceeding is easy unless you’re an attorney and you know the ropes. Why some lawyers are fond of saying this is probably because they heard it somewhere and are parroting it. Or…they are probate attorneys who will benefit more when they can charge their hourly rate for taking an estate through probate. Wealthy families rarely allow their estates to go through probate. Families of moderate means should not either. Families are better served by keeping their affairs privately managed by carefully chosen successors using mindful planning techniques. Letting our estates go through probate is leaving a mess for someone to clean up later. It’s sloppy. Waiting until it’s too late. We often get panicked calls from spouses saying they need a power of attorney because an injury or illness has landed their spouse in the hospital. Or from an adult child with a mother or father who is mentally slipping and can’t manage their own affairs and they need an estate plan pronto. I’m sorry to tell you, there is no emergency estate plan like this. Estate plans are preventive only. Once a problem has started, it’s very difficult and sometimes impossible to stop that problem from entering the court system. Failing to transfer wealth in a thoughtful and intentional way. If you search for Marilyn Monroe’s or James Dean’s estates online, you’ll read how failure to plan thoughtfully lead to their wealth being lost in most unsettling ways. Most of us aren’t famous, but we still need to use a long

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Believing that estate planning is painful like a root canal. Okay, working with some lawyers is like getting a root canal. I know. I was a consumer of legal services long before I was a lawyer. Ugh! It’s like chewing paper! But it doesn’t have to be that way. Many lawyers are pleasant to be around, sometimes fun. We make our planning process about as enjoyable as it can be. We take it seriously, but not so seriously that we can’t laugh and have a good time at it. It is intricate. It is detailed. And, when you get it done, it’s a weight off your shoulders that feels so good, it’s almost hard to believe we let the fears of leaving behind a mess stay for so long.

Gratitude is the Key to Excellence I’m a fan of Brene Brown’s work. She observes in her book “The Gift of Imperfect Parenting” there is one difference between entitlement and privilege. Gratitude. Gratitude is a skill we can cultivate like any other. Parents can teach their children this skill—but only if they cultivate it in themselves first. It’s when we believe that the world owes us something, that our life is not good enough as it is, or wealthy enough, or popular enough, that people get lost in the weeds. Gratitude is the antidote to the soul illness of entitlement. By taking notice each day of the blessings we have in our lives, then what springs from our hearts is a desire for more of that—the pursuit of excellence. In our definition, the pursuit of wealth becomes making the most excellent self we can possibly offer the world. What else is there really? My tip is to wake up every day, no matter how messed up one’s life feels, and notice ten blessings within your perception. Then throughout the day, pay attention to your surroundings. Not just passing attention, but focused, clear, directed attention. Notice the intricate veins in a leaf, the precise shade of blue in the sky peaking between clouds, the quality of light as it passes through a window. Life happens all around us while we’re all running around thinking that life is happening in our heads. But stopping for these brief glimpses of beauty, we increase the vital life energy within us and around us. Increased vitality leads to positive actions that have generous effects. Gratitude is the key excellence.

Adding Meaning to Your Estate Plan There has not been one client who didn’t yearn for a sense of meaning in the context of estate planning. I’m on a mission to educate lawyers that people are longing to be supported in deeper ways as they address the certainty of their own deaths. We look death right in the eye when we do an estate plan. When a lawyer fails to “feel into” this vulnerable place with their clients, they only solidify the belief that lawyers are unfeeling and not to be trusted. Some lawyers simply do not have the skill to meet their clients in a human way. That’s unfortunate and a lost opportunity to truly enjoy the work we do for people.

Martha started Hartney Law to serve people she loves most—parents and children. She is committed to helping parents bring their greatest gifts into life fearlessly and with joy and making sure children are completely cared for if something happens to their parents. Martha graduated from the University of Denver School of Law while being a full time, single mother of two sons. She has also supported new mothers as a La Leche League Leader and been an advocate of attachment and natural parenting. She is a contributor to estateplanning.com, a member of the Colorado Bar’s Trust Code Committee, and has won Yellow Scene Magazine’s Best of the West (Attorney) five years in a row. Hartney Law’s website is www.hartneylaw.com

My firm’s practice is itself grounded in gratitude. Our process for harvesting our clients’ wisdom and experience fosters their gratitude for where they’ve been in life. Even when it has been abusive, deficient, or filled with challenge, each client has a chance to know the fullness of their experience, to be seen by a trusted advisor who cares deeply for them and can reflect to them their rightness of being. Some of this may sound “woo-woo”. But at a practical level, this is what people want, need, and will reap many benefits from when they hire an estate planner who thinks like I do. A tip for consumers is to interview qualified estate planners to see who offers a unique and meaningful client experience, rather than simply document preparation. There are plenty of document preparers, plenty of excellent legal technicians out there. Too few are paying attention to the deeper work around meaning. I suggest asking straight up what offerings an attorney has to ensure that not just financial wealth is passed on to the future but the real, inner wealth as well. n

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Edge of the Universe Photography

lens in deciding how our financial resources will travel into the future. How will it affect children and grandchildren? Will it help or harm? Inadvertent effects of poorly designed plans can cripple an heir’s life.


5 Stories to Enhance Yo CHILDREN’S SELF-EST by Laura A. Roser

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everal weeks ago, I had a call with a man who has become inundated with too much information. “I have boxes and boxes of memories,” he said. “My mom saved everything when I was growing up—tests from grade school, yearbooks, certificates, art projects, soccer trophies—I’ve got it all.” He sighed. “My wife says I should just throw it all away, but what if I get rid of something that’s really important?” “Here’s the thing,” I told him, “future generations need the most important parts of you. You don’t want your kids to have to dig through eighteen boxes of memorabilia to try to figure out what matters.” Sure, we could take pictures of all his stuff and archive it, which is what I recommended. But in order for this man to have a purposeful legacy, he needs to highlight the essential pieces of his life that will most help his children and grandchildren. In his book, The Secrets of Happy Families, Bruce Feiler writes about the “Do You Know Scale.” The Do You Know Scale is a list of twenty questions asked of children in over four dozen families in a study conducted by Dr. Duke and Dr. Fivush at Emory University. What they found is that children who have an idea about their family’s past have higher levels of self-esteem, an internal locust of control, better family functioning, lower anxiety, fewer behavioral problems and better resiliency. It’s extremely important to document your roots to give you an anchor. Where did you come from? What are key family stories throughout the years? What is your family lineage? What are significant events that shaped your heritage? There are ways to document and archive this information that is engaging for your family. Ongoing family milestones—such as births, marriages, and graduations— should also be documented to give a sense of time and place to future generations. Doing this correctly can be a little tricky because you can become bogged down with too much inconsequential information like the man who called me. Does anyone care that he earned a B+ on one of his many spelling tests in fourth grade? It’s similar to saving a newspaper from last year. When you look back at the stock market fluctuations, who cares Apple was down 1.45%?

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Your STEEM

Essential Stories Your Kids Need To Know

So, what should you pass on? Photos and mementos are fantastic – especially if you’ve found the best ones and compiled them into a book or some sort of slideshow and then given those images further meaning by explaining who is in the photos, when they were taken, etc. But what’s really going to enhance the lives of your children are stories that give them a foundation of self value. The following are the top five stories your children need to know in order to build their self-esteem. Your goal should always be to create a positive continuing dialog with your children and these stories will get the conversation started.

Story 1: Life Before Them

Your children need to know how their parents met, what it was like for you as a child growing up and early memories you have about your childhood, teen years, what school you went to, etc.

Story 2: Their History

Your children need to know about each side of their family tree—their grandparents, great grandparents and anything you can tell them about where they came from. Why did you pick their name? What significance does it have? What was it like in the hospital when they were born?

Story 3: The Tough Times

Explain to your children about difficult times members of your family have gotten through. For example, how their great grandfather made it through the depression and started a business. Tell them about your personal struggles and how you persevered. This will give them a sense that they can preserver as well.

Story 4: The Happy Times

Tell your children about what makes you happy—your greatest loves, your passions, people you’ve loved and goals you’ve striven for and accomplished.

Story 5: Lessons to Live By

If you could only give your children 2 to 3 main principles to guide their lives, what would those be in short, concise statements? Now, think of a story to illustrate each principle and tell the story to reinforce it.

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Storytelling Guidelines Make It Fun

If you encounter above-average resistance (i.e. extreme eye rolling, whining or anger), don’t force your stories on your family. Wait until the time is right. Otherwise, you run the risk of your family associating your stories with drudgery.

make them feel like they’ve said a dumb thing or shouldn’t be allowed to respond.

Don’t Act Like a Dictator

Your kids will have their own ideas and want to develop into their own people. The idea of telling these stories is not to force your kids to follow your principles to the letter, but to give them a solid foundation upon which to Allow for Feedback base their growth. One hopes that if they are taught right The idea of telling your stories is to create open and grow up in a home with parents of high character, communication. If your kids have questions or would they will follow those footsteps, but they must be trusted like to make comments, be open and accepting. Never to act independently as they grow and mature. n

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Laura A. Roser is the founder and CEO of Paragon Road, the #1 authority in meaning legacy planning. For more information about meaning legacy planning services, visit www.paragonroad.com.

Questions from the “Do You Know Scale” study: 1. Do you know how your parents met? 2. Do you know where your mother grew up? 3. Do you know where your father grew up? 4. Do you know where some of your grandparents grew up? 5. Do you know where some of your grandparents met? 6. Do you know where your parents were married? 7. Do you know what went on when you were being born? 8. Do you know the source of your name? 9. Do you know some things about what happened when your brothers or sisters were being born? 10. Do you know which person in your family you look most like? 11. Do you know which person in the family you act most like? 12. Do you know some illnesses and injuries your parents experienced when they were younger?

13. Do you know some of the lessons that your parents learned from good or bad experiences? 14. Do you know some things that happened to your mom or dad when they were in school? 15. Do you know the national background of your family (such as English, German, Russian, etc)? 16. Do you know some of the jobs that your parents had when they were young? 17. Do you know some awards that your parents received when they were young? 18. Do you know the names of the schools that your mom went to? 19. Do you know the names of the schools that your dad went to? 20. Do you know about a relative whose face “froze” in a grumpy position because he or she did not smile enough? Source: Huffington Post: http://www. huffingtonpost.com/marshall-p-duke/ the-stories-that-bind-us-_b_2918975.html

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Sharing Family Stories ON MOTHER’S DAY H by Rachael Rifkin

olidays that gather family members together are great opportunities for family storytelling. Everyone is already there. All you have to do is steer the conversation in the right direction. With Mother’s Day coming up this month, here are some suggestions to get the story sharing started.

Some simple and easy memory-making traditions to add to your Mother’s Day: l Buy a blank journal and every year write one sentence about what you did on Mother’s Day and why you are grateful for your mom. l Devote a photo album to Mother’s Day pictures. l Create a Mother’s Day cards memento by punching a hole in the left-hand corner of each one and putting them on a metal ring. l Ask your mom for a Mother’s Day wish list. Have her add to it every year. Between breakfast-in-bed, flowers, and brunch, there’s plenty of time for family stories on Mother’s Day. 

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Questions to inspire conversation and stories:

(These questions are for everyone celebrating to answer.) l Growing up, what did you make your mom for Mother’s Day?

Rachael Rifkin is a ghostwriter/ personal historian who blogs about the traits we inherit, whether genetically or environmentally, and the qualities that we find only in ourselves. Her favorite things are reading, random acts of kindness, high fives, playing with her dogs, and laughing with her husband. www.lifestoriestoday.com/blog

l How did you celebrate Mother’s Day when you were young? l What do you love about your mom and why? l How does your mom make you feel loved and appreciated? l What do you do to make your mom feel loved and appreciated? l What is the best gift you’ve ever given or received on Mother’s Day? l Ask the mothers in the group how they found out they were going to be parents.

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How Family Dynamics Affects Wealth Transfer Q&A with Family Cultural Expert, Matthew Wesley

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M

atthew Wesley has spent the last twenty-eight years working with wealthy families as an estate planning attorney and family advisor, facilitator and catalyst for improved communication and successful wealth transfer.

LR: How did you become an expert in shifting family cultural dynamics? MW: I have had two careers – first as a minister and then as a lawyer. My first career sensitized me to how hard it is to get communities of people with different personalities and agendas to successfully work together. Difficult, but not impossible, if you understand group dynamics and methods of community building. Leading is largely a process of facilitation and the dynamics of religious communities (and in fact all groups) have elements similar to how most families function. When I became a lawyer, I saw the same dynamics in law firms: getting competent and often headstrong people to create a common culture required real grit and determination. Some law firms excel at this. Many don’t. Those that do are wildly successful. Those that don’t sputter. The techniques of community building in both community and professional domains are complex, but forging culture is key to successful team building and organizational development. Or in this case, shifting family culture. As a lawyer, I became deeply aware that the central fact in families of wealth are structures created by lawyers. They create trusts, various entities and foundations that are often designed to last for generations. Families must live with these structures and the advisors who accompany them. In many families, these structures prove to be damaging to individuals in the family and to the family as a whole. It would be ideal if lawyers were more sensitive to these issues, but most are not. Lawyers are experts providing solutions to a very narrow set of technical problems – usually related to tax or governance issues. The only way for families to succeed in the face of these structures is to develop a robust and resilient family culture that can serve as a counterweight to the powerful forces of the structures and the advisory network. What I learned in ministry is that for a group to work effectively, they must have a grounded commitment to what I refer to as “a deep moral purpose.” This means that they develop a commitment to the each other and to the world that will creatively withstand ambiguity and uncertainty. This is what keeps families together, instead of running for an exit at the first sign of difficulty. Shifting family culture moves a family from the singular focus of independence to one of both independence and interdependence. There are various ways to move cultures in this direction. It is this work that was the focus of my career in ministry and is now the focus of my wholly secular work with families. It is deeply human work.

LR: What types of families do you work with and how do you help them? MW: I work with many different types of families – no two families are the same. Most often the families I work with are

in a state of transition. They may be passing on wealth to the next generation, they may have a charitable foundation that isn’t working as well as it could or they may be transitioning a business to the rising generation. All of these present significant challenges or complex problems that can spark a lot of familial anxiety. Anxious families are often brittle, they display the normal responses to anxiety – fight, flight, flock, freeze and fix. (Flocking is seeking emotional support and building coalitions and fixing is that knee-jerk move to action that often makes problems worse). My model for working with families is to “walk beside – leave behind.” This means that I am with a family for a time, helping first to bring clarity to a situation, calm the system down, and then work to build skills and competencies that enable the family to develop to their capacity. Typically, this is a 3-5 year process. The problem I am called in to solve is almost never the real problem. Therefore, the goal is not to solve a problem, but to equip the family so that it can solve today’s issue and also ensure that it stands ready to face problems of tomorrow. If I can leave a family with the skills to navigate the inevitable issues that will arise, I will have done my work well. This takes time and effort on the part of the family – and not all families are cut out for it – but for those that are, it is emotionally and financially rewarding. It is not about singing kumbaya – the process walks the harder edges of preserving and growing wealth and forging an approach that satisfies all stakeholders. Just as corporations have found that culture is critical to high performance, in families, culture has tangible ROI in the form of long-term financial viability and, in rare cases, economic growth over generations. Preserving and growing wealth is not simply a matter of getting the right legal and succession structures, but has everything to do with the skills and competencies of the people in the system. It is not as much about planning as it is about preparation. I find particularly that patriarchs and matriarchs may resist some of these changes at the outset, but over time they gain great peace in knowing that their family will be just fine without them because of the skills they have gained.

LR: How is a family like a tribe? MW: Families are tribal. Too often family consultants treat their client families as though they are corporations – they instruct them to create mission statements, do values clarification exercises and generate governance structures that are borrowed mostly from corporate contexts. In my experience, virtually none of this works. It is a waste of time and, worse, it causes families to grow cynical when they see it doesn’t work. Families are based on marriages, child-rearing, divorces, deaths, anniversaries, common history together and so on. They are kinship systems. From anthropologists we know that in kinship systems, stories, rituals, wise elders, councils and gatherings are critical to the health of the tribe. Families create meaning for themselves out of these sorts of experiences. In the United States, families of wealth tend to follow three paths in the generations after the creation of the wealth:

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separation, preservation and growth. Separation is the cultural norm. Individuals split off from their families and go their separate ways. The problem in wealthy families is that legal structures designed to avoid taxes force the family to move in a countercultural direction – preservation of wealth requires a kind of cooperation that an ordinary modern family simply doesn’t have to deal with. The paths of Preservation and Growth both require that a family of wealth act like a tribe – it must gain a sense of tribal cohesion for it to be successful. Without that sense of tribal connection, wealth lasts only for a generation or two. With it, wealth can endure and even grow for many generations. Reaching 100 years as a family is how we define greatness. Families that make it that long (for more than three generations) are doing so based on cultural work – the family has learned to function as tribe. The path of Growth absolutely requires a working culture. The path of Preservation, if it is to endure through a second or third generation, must learn this as well. The costs of cultural failure are high – entitlement, family strife and wasted human and economic potential. Creating tribal identity and becoming an effective tribe helps to minimize, control or even eliminate these consequences.

LR: Here at Paragon Road we stress to clients the importance of creating a positive and open family narrative. What’s your best tip(s) for building a positive family narrative? MW: Let me begin by saying that every family faces challenges. While I have seen my share of “dysfunctional” families (fraught with chemical dependency and real abuse), my sense is that the vast majority of families are simply dealing with very complex problems as best they can. They are not so much “dysfunctional” as they are socially complex. Social complexity arises from bringing people who have very different perspectives, personalities and agendas together to solve tough problems when outcomes are inherently uncertain. This first step of reframing “dysfunction” as complexity is helpful for many

families – they move from a story of themselves as “broken” or “unhealthy” to one in which they are a group of passionate, well-meaning people dealing with difficult problems who need to work together to meet their common challenges. This is what a good story does – it reframes and thus changes the narrative from one of brokenness to one of empowerment. The best family stories I know are the ones that see the family – and its individual members – in some form of what Joseph Campbell called the “hero’s journey.” In the hero’s journey, a likable and relatable hero is called from his or her normal existence to face a daunting challenge. The hero heeds the call and moves through circumstances of real difficulty and even darkness to arrive at a place of great reward. The hero then returns to the ordinary world transformed and ready to help others. This is the classic plot of every successful story whether it be a drama or comedy (And doesn’t life consist of a little bit of both?). If everyone in the family is someone that faces challenges and overcomes them – with the help and support of one another – some key messages are instilled. People see that adversity is normal, that wealth will not protect them from the normal trials of being human and that indeed the best parts of oneself have little to do with wealth. Rather, wealth helps to free a person to find and express their potential not substitute for it. They also understand that while wealth can be given, making meaning— found by building competence and connection. They cannot go at it alone. There are companions on the journey, whether these are family members, friends or trusted advisors. They learn that triumph in life involves some degree of service to the world – creating something of value for others as well as for oneself. In the end, the truly great story narratives of wealth are initially forged in the creation of that wealth but also in subsequent generations and in dealing with the brute fact of wealth in heroic ways. Every family that endures has within it a family of champions who are committed to remaining together as a family (and accessing the skills to pull it off). Nathan

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Rothschild said, “It takes a great deal of wit to create a great fortune, and twice as much to keep it.” I have found that to be true in the families I advise.

LR: How can people overcome a bad family dynamic in relationship to money or passing on their businesses? MW: I mentioned before that there are three basic pathways: separation, preservation and growth. In some families, the natural move is toward separation. When a family is artificially held together by businesses or trusts, often the question is how to help that family separate without doing great inter-personal and economic damage. Many people think that I want to keep families together. Although that is often the ideal outcome, it is not always practical or possible. In those cases, I try to help the family find ways to preserve value as they find a path toward ending well. Families can opt for another path altogether—toward Preservation or Growth. In cases of family business, this is often a culture problem. For example, in G1 to G2 transitions, the business and the family constitute two different systems. The business is based on a culture of performance whereas the family is a culture of inclusion. Each has its own operating software. When it comes time to transition, these cultures collide. The family must navigate this crash of cultures. For example, in the business culture, promotion and salary are based on merit. The family culture would say something different—perhaps that family members should be given positions for which they are not qualified for or for which they are paid more than markets would pay. The role of an outside consultant is to tease these cultures apart – to make the family the family and the business the business. This involves role negotiation, principles of engagement, creating different ways of thinking and educating family members to the varying roles of governance, management, ownership and family membership. It also involves forging common purpose in ways that meet the varying needs of family members. With families of wealth, the challenges are different. Here the modeling behavior of the parents is critical. So too is the management of their anxieties about their children and how they use money to “soothe and smooth” the ordinary challenges their children face. To mature and grow, people need to face challenges and overcome them. This builds character and skill sets necessary to “wear wealth well.” To be successful, children in wealthy families must learn not only how money works, but also how wealth works. They must learn how to work with their siblings and cousins – even if they don’t particularly like them — and understand the world of business and how to be wise philanthropists. This is a tall order. It is not driven by the kinds of middle-class values that create wealth. It requires a different set of skills – skills of self-awareness, self-discipline, stewardship and collaboration. Children raised in wealth are often not well-served by the values that created wealth. In one family I worked with, it was

Matthew Wesley’s work with families spans a twentyeight year career as an estate planning attorney and family advisor, facilitator and catalyst. He has effectively worked with iconic and billionaire families. His client families have had as many as 90 family members, but many are much smaller. Typically, his clients face significant challenges in preparing for generational transitions of wealth, enterprise or philanthropy. In other cases, client families face challenges that require the rapid development of trust, commitment and capacity. To learn more about Matthew and his firm, visit www.thewesleygroup.com suggested by a previous financial advisor that my client would want her daughter to learn how to work hard and apply herself in a career. The wise matriarch said, “No, you don’t understand, I want my daughter to become an excellent heiress.” She went on to say that this meant that her daughter would steward her wealth wisely and humbly, would be committed to making the world a better place, would carry the family reputation with dignity and care as a civic leader, and would raise her children to be worthy stewards as well. If she wanted to work for her fulfillment, then that was good, but that it wasn’t necessary since the primary purpose of a career is to earn a living and that was not an issue for her. She noted that to pretend otherwise was to deny the reality of the situation and leave her daughter unprepared for the life she would lead. This was a woman who had made peace with her wealth and had recognized that the game had fundamentally and radically changed for her daughter.

LR: What would you say the biggest mistake you see in wealthy families? MW: In families new to wealth — first generation families — there is the belief that planning is the same as preparation. There are many advisors that will help a family plan, but all too often there is a massive gap between planning and execution. I call this gap “The Chasm.” As my good friend, Tom Rogerson, says, “Often there is great care put into preparing the money for the family, but virtually no work put into preparing the family for the money.” Without preparation, the money can become a powerfully destructive force. Preparing the family is partially about preparing individuals in the family to understand both how money works and how wealth works (and these are two distinct things). It is also about creating family cohesion so that the family can work together. Preparation is about creating a strong, vibrant family culture. Failure to build culture summons failure. Building a family culture sets the table for success.n

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SPIRITUALITY AND BUSINESS

Why James I. Anthony Jr. Hires Based On Values and Leads with a Spiritual Focus by Laura A. Roser

“I

have strong opinions about legacy,” Jim Anthony announced on a recent phone call I had with him.

“Oh, really?” I asked, instantly intrigued. Many people I speak with have a vague idea about legacy at best. But, Mr. Anthony has thought about it at length. He was a student of Comparative Religion at Duke University and has spent a lot of time analyzing what he believes and what he would like to leave behind as his legacy. To Jim, the most important aspect of life is what is unseen, like one’s inner life—self development, values and a focus on God as a highly engaged creator/ redeemer/sustainer. “I had my period of personal doubt—agnosticism, atheism,” Jim says, “but I realized, through personal experiences, that there really is a unviversal force also known as God.” And Jim says it’s that faith-based belief system that has transformed his office into something special. “We care about people here,” he says. “I’ve had people leave for higher paying jobs and then come back, and take pay cuts a few years later because they couldn’t stand the shock of moving out of our familycentric, traditional, spiritual, values-based culture. Leaving the warmth of that womb and going out into a cold, hard-edged, and dark workplace where everybody’s out for themselves is just too much pain for some people to take. They’d rather opt for quality of life. We’ve had that happen so many times, it’s quite amazing actually.”

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Personal values take precedence over skills. “We can train someone to learn a skill,” says Jim, “but it’s quite difficult to teach values.” When Jim mentioned praying in the office, I asked, “So... what is the response to that? Do you get push back?” “People love it,” he said. “They are craving a sense of spirituality and meaning throughout life. It brings our working environment to a whole new level. But we’re never going to attract a militant atheist.” Jim chuckles. “We tell people from the get-go what our culture is about. I tell them we pray in this office. We talk about big topics. We are not politically correct. We are conservatives and someone who is a militant progressive or atheist simply isn’t going to be happy here.”

A Sacramental Paradigm Jim believes each individual is made up of four core components: spiritual, intellectual, emotional, and physical. He tells his children these are the four pillars on which they should build their lives and relationships. Intentional pursuit of continued health in each area turns you into a life-long learner and builds a strong character. “The really important stuff in the universe is what we can’t see,” says Jim, “and that is what’s influencing the seen world.” Time spent contemplating that unseen world leads to not only deeper understanding of oneself, but also better results in the seen world.

reality is, it’s potentially life changing for me.” The leaves that have sprouted from the trees are collections of little machines—cells that are factories that take in carbon dioxide (a waste product) and process it as oxygen. Jim recommends asking the simple question, “How can I apply that to my life? What kinds of waste products are you taking into your life and how can a spiritual perspective change it into something that is productive and life giving? How can you take your tragedies or mistakes and use them for good?”

Legacy Transmission Mr. Anthony has set up a family donor advised fund that takes 20% of the profits from the primary family LLC and distributes the cash to charities that his family discusses and engages with. “We try to be personally involved with the charity so that we know the people and their purpose deeply,” he says.

A Spiritual Legacy Whether it’s talking with his children, hiring a new employee or meditating on the inner workings of trees, Jim Anthony has cultivated a deep belief in the power of the unseen. As he admits freely, he has had his struggles like everyone else, but his strong beliefs serve as the rock upon which he builds his legacy. n

James I. Anthony Jr. serves as CEO of Anthony Property Group. Jim’s responsibilities include: company vision and strategy, client representation, business development and chief investment strategist. Jim has one of the most diverse and distinguished commercial real estate track records in the Southeastern US. For over 35 years he has worked with nearly every property type in ten states. His expertise is highly sought after by institutions, businesses, investors, developers and government.

“This is one of the things I love about the old orthodox Catholic high church worldview that’s called sacramental thinking,” he says. “A sacramental approach to the world says that I might see the leaves of the trees outside my window right now, but there is an unseen reality behind those leaves. If I contemplate what that unseen

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Ancient Wisdom: Shempa The Tibetan Buddhist Concept of Being Hooked by Laura A. Roser

H

ave you ever been hooked by a negative narrative? Someone says something and your mind goes into a tailspin of destructive thoughts.

Let’s say your neighbor says, “That’s an interesting choice.” And he points to your newly planted flowers. You smile, not quite knowing what he means and you go inside your house. You sit down on the couch and start channel surfing, but you can’t seem to let go of his comment. What did he mean? Was he making fun of me? Why wouldn’t he like my flowers? Soon, you’ve built up a whole story in your head. You remember the time your neighbor rolled his eyes when you walked by his house and all the times he complained about your barking dog. “That judgmental prick!” you think to yourself. He’s always targeting me. It’s not like he’s all that great. His flowers aren’t that wonderful! And your mind goes around and around and around spinning a web of thoughts.

In Tibetan Buddhism this negative thought pattern is known as “Shempa”. It’s something that gets under your skin, that works its way into your mind and you can’t stop thinking about it. Once you’re on a role, letting it go is difficult. Shempas are little annoyances that work away at the mind. They can, if nourished, become very strong and powerful. It’s an addiction to a way of thinking – a (seemingly) justified projection – that threatens to weaken your sense of mindfulness and destroy your peace of mind. Buddhist teacher, Pema Chodron suggests catching yourself in these negative thought patterns as soon as you feel yourself being sucked into the downward spiral. Focus on your breath, take a walk, listen to some music and try to pry your mind away. n

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ISSUE 4 | MAY 2016

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