the Volume CXXIV, No. 6 / TMP 36.10 Katie Wiemeyer '21 & Emma Wright '21 After weeks of trolling the Gotcha Hacker on Omegle, we decided to make our move and find the answer to the burning question: who is this mysterious hacker, and why would they attempt to breach one of the most coveted systems on campus (other than the underground fight ring in the tunnels run by Dar)? Here is the overview of our journey: Following a heated debate that ended in both tears and outreach, the librarians in Cox consented to our using of the conference room since there are no more chairs and tables. The compromise was that, once a week, we feed the students the librarians locked in the Skills Center for breathing too loudly. Our interviewee, decked out in Nobles gear from head to toe, heelied in at exactly 4:20 PM. His eyes, the only body part visible, showed not a shred of remorse. We questioned him, and between rips
Friday, December 7th, 2018
Mysterious Gotcha Hacker Found
of his mango Juul, the hacker answered in 5-10 minute anecdotes that had nothing to do with the original question. Seeing our confused and aggravated faces, he then managed to relate the entire story back to the question. Suddenly, everything became clear. We experienced incredible deja vu from Monday’s assembly. We snatched the Juul from his grimy fingers in a swift movement. The hacker let out a cry comparable to a sophomore who has gotten their iPhone taken away by Stoach during assembly, and jolted forwards causing the rank Nobles gear to fall off his face, revealing his true identity: Mr. Ball. Needless to say, we were shocked. Before we could say anything, Mr. Ball threw a vegan, gluten-free “Intergalactic” Lush bath bomb onto the ground and, before snapping a quick VSCO pic, disappeared from the conference room. Librarians swarmed in like moths to a lamp as we escaped out the window. It didn’t take long for the tea to spread to the rest of the student body. We sat down with a few of
Damn it, David.
the prominent Gotcha names to get their views on the deceit. “I just can’t believe that someone we all trusted so much would do something like this” states Dillon Pang, “also, if he hadn’t interfered, maybe I could’ve won.” Alex Rodriguez, one of the creators of Gotcha, said with tear-filled eyes, “I thought
the first round of emails would stop whoever was the hacker. He was relentless. I expected this from Mr. Bland, but not Mr. Ball, never Mr. Ball.” We then corrected his megablunder before dismissing him. Brian Glennon, one of the last sophomores in Gotcha, claims, “Yeah, everyone was telling me I was
cheating by having a bunch of bodyguards, when the real cheater was in front of us talking nonsense this entire time.” He then stormed out of the room, flanked on all sides by his Axe-drenched loyal guards. The freshmen felt so strongly about this whole ordeal, they felt compelled to send out an All School email. The email stated, “We, the Class IV students totally understand, more than anybody, the first hand effects of excruciating stress, since we experience it in Workshop, and how it can drive one to make mistakes similar to those of Mr. Ball.” This email was followed by Mr. Ball’s response. Instead of a long, heartfelt apology, he simply tacked onto the freshmen’s excuse by saying, “Mr. Ball emphasizes ‘We, the Class IV students, totally understand, more than anybody, the first hand effects of excruciating stress, since we experience it in Workshop, and how it can drive one to make mistakes similar to those of Mr. Ball.’”. The date of Mr. Ball’s D.C. reading is still unknown. CONTINUED ON PAGE 3
Coming Soon: Reality Court Drama Judge Jackie
Abby Foster ‘19 & Lyndsey Mugford ‘19
This fall, Milton Academy revived its reality court drama Judge Jackie, loosely based on Law and Order SVU and the Shame Wizard’s trial from Big Mouth. The drama follows Judge Jackie, a real-life judge, as she rules over the Milton disciplinary system. Milton students love watching Judge Jackie. In fact, whenever a new episode is announced in a class assembly, a giddy hush falls over the crowd, along with some whispers of “tea!” One class III student said, “This show is like a drug! It’s such a rush to watch Judge Jackie suspend a kid in your French 1 class for Google Translating his ‘what I want for non-denominational Christmas’ project when you yourself did the exact same thing last week.” The student then noticed my recording device, and added, “I mean, I’m speculating. I don’t really know anything about that kind of
THIS WEEK’S PLEASURE
Judge Jackie's radiant complexion sears D.C.ed students
of God.” Some have likened Jude Jackie’s power in court to that displayed in the iconic vine where Chris Christie emphatically identifies “off topic questions.” Of course, we can’t forget her iconic monologue in which she sentenced Juulia, a boarder, to 5 days’ suspension for carrying a USB that “looked kind of sketchy and probably contained enough nicotine to kill a medium-sized moose,” citing the precedent of the Forbes v. Board case from a few years back. As Judge Jackie has released essentially three episodes each Tuesday and Friday for the entire fall, rave reviews have poured in nonstop. In fact, the word around the stu is that Milton is planning several spin-off shows, including the highly-anticipated Have You HEARD (That You’re Suspended?) and C-S-I Forgot that Sexual Harassment has to be Sneaky Now. I think I speak for all of us when I say that I’m excited to see what (and who) Judge Jackie will take on next!
stuff.” Beginning to sweat, he tearfully followed me around the stu, crying, “Please don’t tell Judge Jackie, I need to get into the Cornell Hotel Administration school or my dad will make me join the family band.” When asked about Judge Jackie’s latest season, one
SGA member said that “In an effort to boost ratings, Judge Jackie started trying way more cases. Like, way more cases. Now the problem is that there’s no one left to watch it. Because everyone’s suspended!” Judge Jackie isn’t only a source of public shaming
and hot gossip. This one-ofa-kind glimpse into Milton’s DC system is chock full of zingers and zippy one-liners, like when Judge Jackie bangs her gavel and boldly declares that “I AM THE LAW,” “steam showers are too much fun to be allowed,” and “it’s almost break, please stop for the love
How to be a DSB - Page 3
How to be WOKE - Page 6
David Ball - Page 11
Alignment Chart - Page 13
Smash or Dash - Page 4
Altered Schedule - Page 10
Steacher Teacher - Page 12
WSU Constitution- Page 15
Friday, December 7th, 2018
The Shallot est. 1738
Brought to you by The Milton Pleasure & The Milton Vaper
Page 2
Alternative Teaching Methods We’ve all been there. That moment, after staring at the blank wall for the majority of class for a book we defi-
Editors in “This ain’t it, Chief:� Andrew “Weight Room� D’Ambrosio John “thesaurus.com� Albright Rishi “not all men are trash� Dhir Pierce “Carabiner� Wilson
nitely “read,� we finally get that moment of clarity; that
LayClout Editors Derek "I can pass for 23, right?" Cui Jenab “Diablo� Diallo D.J “I need a shawty� Murrell
our ability to teach ourselves. We, The Milton Pleasure
Managing Dictators Nicholas "I can't think of one" Taborsky Jack “homeless energy� Delea Lyndsey “I want a better nickname� Mugford Natasha “Put him in a cage� Roy News Managers: Abby “Nancy Reagan� Foster Charlotte “big dictator energy� Kane We're Not Sure What They Do Kat “Costco? DOMINOS?� Stephan Serena “Truuuuuu� Fernandopulle Desi “I come to every meeting� Devaul Dariya “Big Clitoris Energy� Subkhanberdina Alana "I come to every meeting" Greenaway Eva “Violet� O’Marah How did she get here? Katherine “Please Include me on the Masthead� McDonough Website Editor Dillon “I should have won Gotcha� Pang Humorous Staff Shaniqua “Janelle� Davis Nate “educated black� Jean-Baptiste Drew “autism jokes ARE funny� Bartkus Annie “Class II (again)� Corcoran Andrew “He doesn’t even work here� Willwerth Seth “I'm not white, I'm gay� Gordon
moment where all of it makes sense. And, right at the moment, the teacher comes in to burst that though. We cannot stand idly by as teachers continue to undermine and The Milton Vaper, would like to use this editorial as a space for the advocacy of alternative teaching. Milton is known and celebrated for the Harkness table, which prioritizes a discussion-based learning style over the generic lecture. Recently, though, Milton Academy has embraced an even more progressive philosophy. The following teaching styles have been implemented over the past few months: Essays in the form of Spotify playlists. Visual Arts portfolios submitted through VSCO. As of 2019, the Health Center will replace its entire medicine supply with essential oils and replace nurses with trained acupuncturists. For your DYO, you must include the fermentation of Kombucha. Mr. Ball’s Monday morning assembly speeches will be communicated through interpretive dances from El Ritmo. We believe that this new format is exactly what Milton needs. It is completely irrelevant to read The Great Gatsby when we can instead analyze tweets from 21st century poet Yeezus. In keeping with this new philosophy, we have decided to complete this Editorial in Emojis, which will be added to the Modern Language department starting next year.
THE MILTON MEASURE IS ONLINE Electronic Copies of The Milton Measure
If you would like to begin receiving copies of the Measure via email, please send your email address to Niall Murphy at:
niall_murphy19@milton.edu Letters to the Editors Please either email our editors or mail to: john_albright19@milton.edu & andrew_dambrosio19@milton.edu The Milton Measure 170 Centre Street Milton, MA 02186
đ&#x;˜ƒđ&#x;˜ƒđ&#x;˜€đ&#x;˜€đ&#x;˜Šđ&#x;˜Šđ&#x;˜‰đ&#x;˜‰đ&#x;˜?đ&#x;˜?đ&#x;˜˜đ&#x;˜˜đ&#x;˜šđ&#x;˜šđ&#x;˜—đ&#x;˜—đ&#x;˜™đ&#x;˜™đ&#x;˜œđ&#x;˜œ đ&#x;˜›đ&#x;˜›đ&#x;˜łđ&#x;˜łđ&#x;˜ đ&#x;˜ đ&#x;˜”đ&#x;˜”đ&#x;˜Œđ&#x;˜Œđ&#x;˜’đ&#x;˜’đ&#x;˜žđ&#x;˜žđ&#x;˜Łđ&#x;˜Łđ&#x;˜˘đ&#x;˜˘đ&#x;˜‚đ&#x;˜‚đ&#x;˜đ&#x;˜ đ&#x;˜Şđ&#x;˜Şđ&#x;˜Ľđ&#x;˜Ľđ&#x;˜°đ&#x;˜°đ&#x;˜…đ&#x;˜…đ&#x;˜“đ&#x;˜“đ&#x;˜Šđ&#x;˜Šđ&#x;˜Ťđ&#x;˜Ťđ&#x;˜¨đ&#x;˜¨đ&#x;˜ąđ&#x;˜ąđ&#x;˜ đ&#x;˜ đ&#x;˜Ąđ&#x;˜Ąđ&#x;˜¤đ&#x;˜¤ đ&#x;˜–đ&#x;˜–đ&#x;˜†đ&#x;˜†đ&#x;˜‹đ&#x;˜‹đ&#x;˜ˇđ&#x;˜ˇđ&#x;˜Žđ&#x;˜Žđ&#x;˜´đ&#x;˜´đ&#x;˜ľđ&#x;˜ľđ&#x;˜˛đ&#x;˜˛đ&#x;˜&#x;đ&#x;˜&#x;đ&#x;˜Śđ&#x;˜Śđ&#x;˜§đ&#x;˜§đ&#x;˜ˆđ&#x;˜ˆ đ&#x;‘żđ&#x;‘żđ&#x;˜Žđ&#x;˜Žđ&#x;˜Źđ&#x;˜Źđ&#x;˜?đ&#x;˜?đ&#x;˜•đ&#x;˜•đ&#x;˜Żđ&#x;˜Żđ&#x;˜śđ&#x;˜śđ&#x;˜‡đ&#x;˜‡đ&#x;˜?đ&#x;˜?đ&#x;˜‘đ&#x;˜‘đ&#x;‘˛đ&#x;‘˛đ&#x;‘łđ&#x;‘ł
Friday, December 7th, 2018
Brouhaha
Class of 2019 Won’t Smoke Cigars after Graduation, Plans to Hit Juuls Instead Adiza Alasa '19 The Class of 2019 has always considered themselves to be a special, innovative group. To no surprise, this June they’ve decided to ditch the old fashioned cigars after tossing their *baseball* caps into the air and will start hitting their juuls instead. The decision has come after a great deal of deliberation, but the class has decided that after the two hour graduation ceremony,
most of them would be too close to withdrawal to go another second nicotine-free. Mr. Ball will hand out extra juuls for those unfortunate enough to not have one. An email will be sent to parents beforehand to warn relatives to wear gas masks to the ceremony - unless, of course, they want to catch a sick buzz - and to wait 15 minutes for the smoke plume to clear before they start taking pictures. We asked a senior,
who asked to remain anonymous, his thoughts on the plan. He said, “I think it’s a great idea. I’ve made so many close friends thanks to juuling, sharing in the bathroom between classes, while doing homework, and in the car on the way home from school. It’ll be nice to end high school the same way I went through it.” The senior class looks forward to this new tradition that we think will last for generations to come.
Page 3
How to be a DSB Kendelle Grubbs ‘21
Step 1: Own two Canada Gooses (and a Moncler...if you’re feeling bougie) Step 2: Wear shorts during the Nor’easter. Pants are for p*ssys! Step 3: Make an AIDS joke. The laughter is contagious. Step 4: Look down the railings at the freshman. It’s a compliment. While you’re at it, tell them to smile more. Step 5: Never talk during diversity workshops or affective ed classes. F*** that liberal propaganda! Step 6: Hit the Juul after every class. Only poor people can be addicts, sweetie ;) Step 7: Try out for varsity lacrosse because your mom said you’re D1 material. Step 8: Leave the Stu tables a mess. It’s what the maids are for.
Gotcha Hacker, Continued
Here is a copy of a note allegedly written by the Gotcha! Hacker. Crafted completely out of magazine scraps, it was submitted to Ms. Bell via sliding into the DMs.
To whom it may concernI have taken the math department hostage. If my demands are not met, I will shred an ice cream cake with the sheer force of ThE sTreSs of fResHmaN yeAr, and scatter the remains all over the second and third floors of the library. My demands: Bring FLIK back. We miss the Thanksgiving dinners. All D.C. statements must be told through interpretive dance. Bring clapping back to chapel. Take the toilets out of the juul room. #freenorris Teachers must ask for In Room Visitations if they would like to have people their classroom. Revoke the all school email from Class IV students.` Move the library tables back to their original places, it’s too hard to play Clash of Clans when you’re sitting so far away. I hope that my demands are met in a timely manner, for the most prestigious department at Milton is at stake. Sincerely, The Gotcha! Hacker Luckily, instead of having to meet these unreasonable requests, Mr. Bland took matters into his own hands and crafted this response:
Hello Gotcha! Hacker, Due to budget cuts, we are unable to meet your demands. We are currently saving money for the firepole that is being placed in the center of the Stu to allow students easier access to the Snack Bar. Sorry to disappoint, but luckily we have already replaced the Math Department with Khan Academy. Cheers! Mr. Bland Head of School
Friday, December 7th, 2018
Frou-frou
Page 4
SMASH OR DASH: Olivia and Eleni on Memes of 2018 Olivia Wang ‘20 & Eleni Mazareas ‘21
Hey, what’s up you guys? Yes. So first off, we would like to Press F for the passings of these following legends: - “WHAT ARE THOOOOOOOOSE?!?!?!!?” creator, Brandon Moore, died mysteriously in his sleep this Tuesday. Rip :( His legacy will live on in “vines that butter my crispy flake.” Link in bio. - Thank u, next: Steven Hillenberg, the creator of Spongebob, died this week due to a long battle with ALS. Thanks for giving us a great childhood. Xoxo. - Finally, one big F for those who failed November, if you know what we mean. 1 Like=1 Respect. For the entirety of a lunch period, we slaved, scrounging deep into the internet for “meme calendar 2018”. Here, we have presented some of our favorite #dank memes Yodelling boy Olivia: SMASH. An absolute unit of a song and of a boy. You can serenade me anytime @MasonRamsey. Eleni: SMASH. Literally such an icon that yodelled into every heart in America. Also he liked my meme page’s tweet (rip @thenakedcroc), so mad love for you Mason Ramsey.
Is this Loss/Pigeon Meme? Olivia: DASH. I didn’t know this meme existed until Eleni told me just now. Eleni: SMASH. Our CLIV English class made shakespeare memes using that template, and Ms. Goldenberg was here for it.
Selfie kid Olivia: DASH. Cringey asf but also me asf. Eleni: DASH. He unfollowed every single Derby person in my grade who knew him. FAKE. But also if I saw Justin Timberlake I wouldn’t give a heck. They did surgery on a grape Olivia: DASH. Watched the whole 2 min video, but still confusion. Is this what our humor has resorted to? Lmk. Eleni: SMASH-- peak Gen-Z humor, honestly. After viewing that meme I realized that that’s what my sense of humor has come to. I hope the grape is ok. Yanny v Laurel Olivia: SMASH. Listened to Yanny/Laurel 1 hour loop on Youtube. Fight me if you think it’s Yanny. Eleni: DASH. I heard both, and now I’m not the same. Team Laurel. Tide pods Olivia: SMASH. Health center told me to go back to class because I was “faking it”. Eleni: SMASH. Mom sent me texts asking if I was ok, and also gave me numerous articles telling me it was bad for me. Did that stop me from sniffing the Forbidden Fruit? No. Do u know de wey? Olivia: DASH. wHiCh fLipPin wEY? Eleni: DASH. Every single boarder boy was asking if we knew, and I still don’t know “de wey”.
FL prison Nek guy Olivia: SMASH. Thought he was a toe from afar. Was in for a surprise. Eleni: SMASH. Much girth. FBI Agent Olivia: lowkey SMASH. I wanna meet mine lmao. Eleni: DASH. Everyone I know has tape over their camera; nonetheless, but SMASH solely for FBI Milk Man
Friday, December 7th, 2018
Nincompoop
Mo Bamba Olivia: SMASHHHHHHHHHHHH. Recently changed ringtone to “Mo Bamba (Marimba Remix)”. I’m that 16 year old B****. Eleni: SMASH. When the oh F***. S***. B***! part comes on I snap. Mark Zucc/Elon Musk Olivia: SMASH, but only for Mark. RIP Facebook. Eleni: SMASH only for Thicc Zucc. I hope my mom’s Facebook is ok.
Page 5
Moth lamp Olivia: SMASH. Slide into my DMs if you have a lamp ;) Eleni: SMASH. I was a moth for meme day, which nobody participated in (disrespectful), but that meme has also made me start typing lïkë thïs. TikTok Olivia: DASH bc it replaced musical.ly. Also their ads are the absolute woat. Eleni: SMASH. I wanna be tracer. This ain’t it chief Olivia: SMASH. Oh naw. Eleni: SMASH. Chief called, he said this ain’t it. Tekashi 69 Olivia: SMASH. It’s F**KING TREYWEY. Eleni: DASH. He literally wrote a song called STOOPID I’m--
Celebs Real Names Olivia: SMASH. Cardiovascular Bronchitis and Snoopard Doggett > Eleni:SMASH. Lilliam Pumpanikel, please.
Car turning on highway Olivia: SMASH. My throwing myself a sad boi hours party instead of doing literally anything else. Eleni: SMASH. I relate to this meme spiritually, except for the one below.
Johnny Johnny Olivia: DASH. Death to all who bring up this meme in conversations and think they’re funny. Eleni: DASH. I am disgusted and disturbed. The talking fridge visits me during my sleep paralysis. Let’s get this bread Olivia: SMASH. Now THIS is what gets me out of bed in the morning. Let’s GRAB THIS GLUTEN. Eleni: DASH. I have celiacs. Big Dick Energy Olivia: SMASH. Crying in the club bc I’ve never found a phrase more fitting for some of the ~men~ at our school. Eleni: SMASH. I’ve never smelled more BDE than I do when I step into the ACC.
Me: People with blue eyes Olivia: DASH. PSA: Don’t even bother saying hi. Eleni: DASH. Her eyebrows are whack lmao
Canoodle
Friday, December 7th, 2018
Page 6
How to be WOKE Natasha Roy '19 & Pierce Wilson '19
Have one (1) black friend Buy a “Why Be Racist, Sexist, Homophobic, or Transphobic when you could just be Quiet” T-shirt. Extra points if you post a picture wearing it. Call Ms. Dukuly “queen” Go on a summer community service trip to a poor country. Post pictures with the children with the caption “my favs” because you don’t know how to spell their names. Give your Class IV Talk about your feminist icon, Susan B. Anthony Say your favorite book is Pride & Prejudice (even though you just skimmed it) Always order the hot salsa on your Chipotle because you care about the ~authentic~ experience Buy a “Coexist” sticker for your $1,200 computer Side with Ms. Wade!!!!! Because YOU SUPPORT BLACK PEPLE!! Call things problematic and don’t explain why Make sure all of your playlists feature at least one song by either Frank Ocean, SZA, or Jorja Smith. Talk about it constantly. You’re unique. Dye your hair black to seem more ethnic! Explain the immigrant struggle to an actual immigrant Take a DNA test and find out that insignificant amount of your heritage comes from a minority. Don’t think about what had to happen for it to get there, though. Answer for people of color, women, and the gays. Always.
Things you shouldn't be doing in December Freshman:
Juniors:
Studying for exam week. It’s gonna be suuuuper easy. Trust
Sleeping
me. Saying anything along the lines of “I think I’ve got this whole high school thing figured out! This is definitely the
Promising your sophomore friends you’ll take them to boat dance. Trying to become relevant. Give up sis-- it’s never going to happen. Anything other than crying.
hardest it will ever be.” Moving out of the cave.
Seniors: Caring about your reputation. You only have, like, four more
Sophomores: Asking your junior/senior friends to take you to boat dance/ prom. Trying to become relevant. Just wait for next year. Harassing the college office in an attempt to start the college process so you’re ~ahead of everyone else~ next year.
months with these losers. Going to class. That time could be better spent planning #SeniorPrank2k19. Reading this article. You don’t need anyone’s advice. You rule the goddamn school.
Friday, December 7th, 2018
Goombah
Page 7
Which Department Should You Teach In?
Fast News Freshman reports seeing Mr. Blanton walk at a normal pace. Mr. Ruiz offered Mr. Bland some “hot tea,” and Mr. Bland said he’ll “take coffee, please, but thanks for offering, José.” Katherine McDonough ‘19 and Natasha Roy ‘19 go viral for their Beto O’Rourke fanfiction. The New York Times calls Two Girls, One Beto a “disturbing yet brilliant feminist masterpiece.” DSBs have their backpacks surgically removed after 4 years of waiting in anticipation. Many are seen going through withdrawal. Jackie Bonenfant tackles student after seeing him import a USB into his computer. Ms. Sabin bakes cookies for God. History department incorporates student-based learning: “The American Revolution happened whenever your heart wants it to, Sam.” Mr. Duryea says “shawty snapped!” to explain a plant’s cellular respiration processes. Jazz students try to convince the school that “art” “matters.” Ms. Bargar goes from giving students hand hearts before tests to handing out pieces of her very own pulmonary artery. The health center is available for counseling for those affected. Ms. Bell finally awarded Nobel Peace Prize (not a joke… we <3 you!) Jackson Delea’s NPR podcast is cancelled out of lack of funding :( Please be a friend to the public radio. Students discover that the wandering white man with the camera isn’t actually hired by the school. He just likes hanging out around us :)
Friday, December 7th, 2018
Codswallop
Celebrity Lookalikes
Page 8
Friday, December 7th, 2018
Fuddy-duddy
Celebrity Lookalikes
Page 9
Friday, December 7th, 2018 Hi All,
Altered Schedule
I just wanted to give you a quick reminder about the modified schedule that will be coming our way later this week. Please make sure you let your students out on time so that each event can begin promptly. See below for the schedule: 8:00 - 8:02: Sleep in. Your MENTAL HEALTH matters! :) xoxo Dave and Todd. PS...you’re welcome 8:03 - 10:00: “You’re Sexist, and There’s Probably Nothing You Can Do About It” -- A Presentation by Woke Underclassmen 10:00 - 10:00: Productive Unpacking in Groups 10:00 - 10:15: Recess 10:15 - 10:20: First Period
10:25 - 11:15: Community Engagement! Venture into the slums of our lower school to sort crayons and disrupt lesson plans help teachers. 11:20 - 11:21: Second and Third period, simultaneously. Multitasking is a virtue. 11:22 - 12:00: Read DC statements. When we can’t finish them all, extend into lunch. 12:00 - 12:15: Lunch! Fight your friends for chicken fajitas! Cut the line or fall behind! 12:20 - 12:45: Help Rodney Glasgow move into Withington. He lives here now. 12:50 - 1:15: Semester Program Assembly: “The freshman cave gave me night terrors, so I fled to a farm, where you get to pay to perform manual labor.” 1:20 - 1:40: Free time (in case the Boston Globe drops an article about us that we need to address) 1:45 - 2:05: Fourth/
Question 1)
Lollygag
Fifth period, but no paper allowed (we will have a paper ceremony halfway through this period to recognize all the paper we waste as a society). 2:10 - 2:45: Deans’ Parade. Parade down the halls in silly costumes! Wave hello to the deans we love! We love our deans! 2:50 -3 :00: Sixth, Seventh, and Eighth period. To end the day, all students will gather in the FCC for a video by the SGA—“So Your Friend Is A Moderate: Spotting Modern-Day Nazism.” Everyone please make sure your syllabuses are on track and your kids will be ready for exams. Remember we are first and foremost an educational institution. Please reach out to someone else with any questions or concerns.
Page 10
Milton's Popular Opinions Juuling is addictive and the combustion causes heaps of damage to your lungs The math department is renowned! Ms. Engstrom’s son is enjoyable Dar’s truck stickers? Kinda lit Mr. Ball’s speeches are useful Stanning Christopher Columbus A Piece of Mind actually does something Azzad actually does something We NEED to end racism :/ Recruits are smart Mental illness isn’t for attention/trendy I’m content God Bullying should be brought back
Best, Ms. Flewelling
Actual Problems On My Math Test
If Kathy is walking at her own pace—because she is a unique individual goddamnit—and starts at the Stu and the distance between the stu and Forbes is a value that you will have to find inside your heart,
Before I get to the problem I want to tell you about my crippling childhood trauma that influenced my interpretation of how Sin is equal to the opposite side over adjacent. Actually, come see me on the fifth floor of Ware and we can go over the story. Extra participation points <3 What does x equal? Show ALL your work and your reasoning. For bonus, tell the WHOLE story about how you arrived at your answer – really tell a story with this one. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Question 2) Take the derivative of a banana! No, actually: think about the curvature of a banana and how it changes as x increases. Any and all answers will be accepted as correct but awarded no points to.
Friday, December 7th, 2018
Cattywampus
Page 11
Lyndsey Mugford (I)
Underrated Colleges
Freaked about finding colleges to apply to? Well here are 10 of the most underrated schools in America… 1. Hahgwahts. The Hogwarts of the Boston area, except instead of magic you learn how to find a decent pub that’s not overrun by Harvard trust funds “slumming” 2. Mime College. The application isn’t too hard, although I hear that sometimes the interview can put you in a box. 3. Y.A.L.E. College. Stands for: You’ll Always Love Explaining to people that no, you didn’t go to that Yale. 4. The School of Nicotine Addiction. I hear it’s really easy to get in (but really hard to get out). 5. School of Open Relationships. Pretty low-commitment and full of opportunities to meet new people, although I hear it’s not quite as good as you expect it to be. 6. The American Theatrical Conservatory Program of Disappointing Your Lawyer Parents 7. The School of Valuable, Applicable, and Preparatory Education (V.A.P.E). Voted #1 by teen boys all across the country! Partners with a law school: The School of Justice: Understanding Urban Law (J.U.U.L) 8. Trump University: Back and Better than Ever. Want to skip student loans and go straight to federal loans? Here’s your chance! 9. The Mining School of Hole-istic Admission. Because clean energy is for SUCKERS and HIPPIES who give their kids peeled grapes for a snack. We dropped out of the Paris Agreement for a reason, losers! 10. The U.S prison system. I hear they’re really into affirmative action :)
Friday, December 7th, 2018
Snickersnee
Page 12
Friday, December 7th, 2018
Wabbit
Shallot Alignment Chart
Club Venn Diagrams
Page 13
Friday, December 7th, 2018
Williwaw
Milton Needs More Clubs and Publications Each and every club and publication at Milton wholeheartedly fulfills its own respective individually unique purpose. We can all agree on that fact. However, I’m putting this out there because it needs to be said: Milton needs more. Why aren’t more students starting their own clubs? Have we all lost our drive to pad up our future college apps by pioneering groups of students into new and exciting discussions and potential board applications? I’m not talking about community engagement or any of those SGA fake “leadership” positions. I’m talking about the wholesome warmth of our *special*interest*clubs* (!!) Where is the day
that students involved in hobbies like acupuncture, action figure collecting, or Civil War battle reenactment can feel truly validated within our community with their own club to discuss said hobbies? And of course, I won’t ignore the elephant in the room when it comes to cultural clubs we are lacking. Creating a White Student Union would bridge every divide within our community. Day student/boarder? Boy/girl/ GNC? Upperclassman/ underclassman? Gone. We don’t even have labels anymore. Another thing: Milton! Where have our writers gone?! Why stop at 12 publications? Yes, we have a weekly news-
paper and a biweekly newspaper. But we need a monthly newspaper that informs us on the most important of that news. Why don’t we have a publication that serves as a highlight reel of all the rest of our publications? Perkys where you at? C’mon, Milton students, be more creative! If you see the opportunity to branch out and create an entirely new and exciting extra club, of which you are the automatic head (I mean: Hello, Harvard?), why not take it? New Student Handbook amendment proposal (listen in, administrators): every student should be required to, at some point in their Milton career, create a new club.
Page 14
Rejected Titles for My Memoir By: well meaning men
Speaking for Her: A Reflection on Healthy Relationships Marley in Me: An Exploration Of My Sexuality Sexposé: How to Have Sex that Pleases You (because women don’t orgasm anyways) Life in Full Color: How Rachel Dolezal Inspired Me to Embrace My Transracial Identity That New Geography: Exploring The Cultures of Every Continent in Africa Pulling Myself Up By My Bootstraps: The Story of One White Boy and His Trust Fund “They/Them/WHERE??”: Yes, your Pronouns are Selfish. Learning to love myself for who I am: The Incel movement and Me “But I paid for your Uber!” and 500 other grievances of the ‘Nice Guy’ Why Women Are Worse at Navigation: A Deep-Dive into the Evolution of Female Inferiority Becoming (The 1%) Straight & Narrow: How to Find Your Perfect Woman Nurture vs. Nature: Why My Son Won’t be Gay. LGBTQJKLMFAO: when the gays demand too much
Friday, December 7th, 2018
Geebung
Page 15
White Student Union CONSTITUTION I. Name The name of this organization shall be the White Student Union. II. Mission, Vision, and Goals When we have conversations about diversity, we can’t only include the voices of those who are oppressed; we need all voices at the table, including the white ones. The White Student Union is taking that idea one step further—we’re creating an entirely new table, with just white voices. III. Membership Along with being white (duh!), there are a few other qualities we look for in WSU members. We’ve also included some other clubs you can join if you have some, but not all, of the desired traits:
IV. Officers The White Student Union has two faculty sponsors: Dennis Febo and a loaf of Wonder Bread. V. Nomination and Elections In addition to using extremely scientific phrenological* calculations, the White Student Union (WSU) will also elect officers based on the following characteristics: Ability to recite all the words to “Cotton Eyed Joe” (or at least hum the Jeopardy theme) Lack of tolerance for spicy food—those who can tolerate anything more flavorful than an avocado are NOT eligible. Eagerness to redo a weak high-five Has uttered at least one of these phrases in the past month: “I just don’t see color!” “Ok, but do you have any statistics to back that up?” “I still don’t get why I can’t say it.” “I have tons of black friends!” “All lives matter!” Ability to score at least an 80% on a quiz that includes the following categories: ‘Friends Episodes,’ ‘The Cape/Vineyard,’ ‘WASP culture,’ and ‘Spring Break in a Nice Resort in an Impoverished Country.’ VI. Meetings The White Student Union convenes over brunch at Sweet Life under any of the following circumstances: Someone refers to “Columbus Day” as “Indigenous People’s Day,” or says “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas” Someone questions your undying love for Ritz Crackers SAGE puts too much seasoning on the food. Salt is a SPICE, guys! >:(
Friday, December 7th, 2018
Page 16
Actual Quotes from Teachers
*says random nickname* -George Duryea “Anaconda Mining Company (in spanish accent)” -Seññññor Bill Hamel “So uhhhhhhhhhhhh…… errmm…... “ - Andre Heard *falls* *shows up late* -Katherine Kelleher “What are those?!?! Monkeys? Kumquats?” -Michael Duseau “I grew up in the Midwest. Everyone is nicer there. Eventually, I realized I am white. Whiteness is a void” -Suzy Q DeBuhr “Mkah” - Kevin Moy “I hated Harvard. Two Ivy's down, six to go.” -Mark Heath “Also exit through the back doors. It is a hazard.” -Dar *follows @barstoolsports* -Jeff Natale *literally bullies me?* - Patty O “Let me be clear. No.” -Eric Idsvoog “Don’t bother sucking up to me.” -Eve Goldenberg “You shouldn’t have to simplify fractions to make them conform to patriarchal standards.” -Emily Bargar *Goes clubbing alone in Paris while on French exchange* - Jose Benitez