that they were miserable; it is no wonder they were questioning the foundation of their faith. How could they possibly feel whole when the message they are receiving from those closest to them is that their pain and grief are not real? Jewish laws of mourning are recognized as an anchor and a source of comfort and healing for the bereaved. Halachah, however, dictates that one does not mourn the loss of a baby less than thirty days old. I had always hoped that the recommendations I made in the book would afford mourners a spiritual outlet for their grief. Despite the numerous reprints of the book, it seems as if our community and religious leaders don’t fully understand the nature of the grief and have not yet learned how to respond appropriately. It saddens me that young couples continue to feel the need to suppress their grief because we have not provided a safe space as a conduit for mourners and the community. Without such a space the mourner’s loss is not validated even by those closest to them. I understand the difficulty of associating death with the smallest and most vulnerable. Babies represent life and are not supposed to die. The absurdity of it all repels sympathizers and, in so doing, the isolation of the bereaved grows denser. While there has been some progress in the Jewish community, it is mostly in the nonobservant sectors. Two years ago my wife and I were the keynote speakers at a conference sponsored by UJA-Federation of New York for clergy called “A Loss Worthy of Grief: Jewish Approaches to Bringing Comfort after Miscarriage, Stillbirth
and Neonatal Death.” The Orthodox community was poorly represented. All journeys begin with small steps. Ten years ago I was invited to give a session to graduating rabbis at Yeshiva University. I spoke about the impact the loss of a baby has, not only on the parents but also on the siblings, grandparents and community. As the session was coming to an end, a young man spoke up. “Permit me to add,” he said, “about the impact this loss has on one’s students.” As it turns out, I was this young man’s seventh grade rebbe at the Rabbi Pesach Raymon Yeshiva in Edison, New Jersey, when Nechama died. He recalled how the students observed that I was absent from davening on that overcast January morning. The entire seventh grade class planned a celebration for the next day. Some would bring chips, others soda, some would decorate the room while others prepared divrei Torah. Instead of “mazal tovs,” however, there was a great deal of silence. There was a time that I acted like a zealot when it came to speaking about my loss. People would ask me how many children I had and I would include Nechama in the list. It was as if I was carrying a bullhorn—who cared if it made some uncomfortable? Today I am much more restrained. Was I avoiding my own grief by expecting the world to listen? Could I find no other way to nurse a wound that doesn’t heal? I’m still learning and seeking answers. Maybe I have to find meaning in the silence. g Listen to Rabbi Yamin Levy discuss infant loss at ou.org/lossofbaby.
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