President’sMessage

Love Languages in the Workplace?

his past weekend was our annual OCBA Board Retreat, and I chose Longboat Key for the location. Longboat Key is my happy place in Florida. As soon as we drive over the bridge from Sarasota to Longboat, I can literally feel all the stress in my life melt away. I wanted to share this little slice of heaven with my board, which is why I chose Longboat. We had a wonderful time on the retreat this weekend which was mixed with fun, teambuilding, brainstorming and strategic planning.

During the retreat, one of my icebreakers was for everyone to write a few questions on a beach ball and throw it from one person to another and each person had to answer at least two questions on the beach ball. One of the questions was, what is your favorite book? Like I said in my prior article, I love to read so it is hard to pick a favorite, but if I absolutely had to, I would choose The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. This is a book Ryan and I read together during pre-marriage counseling at our church at the time. I never thought one book could change my life as much as this one did. It was eye opening for both of us to learn about each love language, what our love languages are, and what each other’s love language is. Fast forward 14 years later, and I use this book to learn my children’s love languages, parents, brother, associates, and staff. Knowing someone’s love language is key to having a successful relationship whether that is a romantic relationship, friendship, or work relationship.

In this book, Chapman, a marriage counselor, discovered after many years of counseling that that there are five ways that people speak and understand emotional love. Chapman believes that once you identify and learn to speak your spouse’s love language, you will discover the key to a lasting marriage. The five love languages are:

1. Words of affirmation

2. Quality time

3. Receiving gifts

4. Acts of service

5. Physical touch

It may seem unusual to discuss love languages and work, but the general concepts translate to the workplace as well and can help in developing a strong team. Business relationships, just like marriages, need work to make sure they flourish. Chapman in fact wrote a book dedicated to the workplace titled The Five Love Languages in the Workplace, which is predicated on the same concepts, but has examples specifically tied to the workplace. Words of affirmation come in two different forms, verbal compliments and encouraging words. Verbal compliments are a powerful way to show love, admiration, respect, and support for

Tsomeone. Giving verbal compliments is one way to show words of affirmation and another is through encouraging words. If your spouse, significant other, friend or staff member’s love language is words of affirmation, you can show appreciation and love to them, depending on the circumstances, by saying things like “you look handsome,” “I really like your dress,” “great job on that project,” and “thank you for your insight.” If your paralegal’s love language is words of affirmation, you must choose your words wisely, but you can also use this to your advantage when they do well. Let them know and others at the firm how great they are, and they will be committed to you in a way you have never seen before. Quality time as your primary love language means you enjoy spending time and doing things with the people you love. To be considered “quality time,” at least one of you has to want to do the activity, the other must be willing to do it, and both of you are doing it to spend time together. Quality time is an easy one for me and Ryan. We love doing just about anything together whether it is sports, traveling, boating, or playing poker…yes, I said poker. One of our first trips together was to Las Vegas and I’m pretty sure he fell in love with me when he realized not only that I knew how to play Texas Hold ‘Em, but also that I was actually pretty good. To apply this in the workplace, if this is your paralegal or associate’s love language, he or she may prefer to be recognized and appreciated by going to lunch, attending a firm outing, or having one-on-one meetings with you. For some people, all they want is some face time with you and would prefer that over being told they are doing a good job.

Receiving gifts doesn’t have to mean that you are spending a ton of money on your spouse or loved one. It simply means, for example, that if you go away on a business trip that you think of them and grab them something, even if it is small. This could be a memento that they could look at and remember that you bought it for them. Again, this is an easy one at work because you can bring in doughnuts in the morning, get your paralegal his or her favorite coffee, or buy a personalized gift for a birthday. For people whose primary love language is gift giving, these gestures are far more meaningful than verbal praise or one-on-one meetings. Acts of service means doing things you know your spouse would like you to do. If your spouse has been traveling for work and the house is a complete mess, acts of service include cleaning up the house, having dinner ready, washing his or her car, offering to get your spouse gas, or shopping for some groceries. Basically, this includes doing anything to take it off his or her plate and doing it because you know it will help your spouse and because you know your spouse will feel loved as a result. At work, this could include bringing your staff member a coffee from the break room, arranging to have a car washing service at the office, or having food delivered on occasion. Having food delivered checks three boxes, namely, acts of service, receiving gifts, and quality time if you stay in the conference room and eat with your colleagues.

Physical touch does not only mean the touch you are thinking about. Typically, people with physical touch as their primary love language hold hands all the time and sit next to each other in the