Light Me Up

By Beck Reed SCAN

to listen to the story read by Jill Bold

It was beautiful, really. All chrome handlebars with sleek blue panels lining the sides. Washed and polished to perfection, it stood proudly on its kickstand and gleamed in the orange evening sun. She could almost see herself banking a sharp turn, the wind whipping through her shirt, her hair in tangles behind her.

Yeah, right, Josie thought. Me on a motorcycle. I know jack-all about motorcycles. But the price tag saved her. She glanced at it once and quickly turned away from all those zeroes. Far beyond what she could pay.

Still, Josie stopped for a moment to admire the machine, just as she did every day on her walk home from work. Daydreaming didn’t cost anything.

She told herself it wasn’t so bad to walk everywhere. Chicago was an amazing city, a place where, no matter where you looked, something was always happening. That was what had attracted her to it. She had been fresh out of college, and the world had looked so impossibly big. Anywhere but Houston was what she had said she wanted. Even UT in Austin hadn’t been far enough away, and she’d fled farther north as soon as she graduated. Chicago, with its flashing lights and incredible skyline, had seemed the perfect place to make her own. She settled down and started law school, envisioning a future as a kickass lawyer. Josie didn’t think her mother had ever forgiven her for dropping out halfway through. Some visions just weren’t meant to be a reality.

It was a good life, she had decided. Her job wasn’t half-bad, and the hours allowed her time with the book club her old grad school friends had formed after they had outgrown student life. It was a good group — even though Danny and Linda talked of nothing but their perfect little life since they returned from their honeymoon, and the twins, Jenny and Chris, missed meetings more often than not. Jacob was a bright spot, always brimming with jokes and insights about the novel they were discussing this week.

Lots to appreciate. And having a motorcycle wouldn’t improve anything, she scolded herself. Besides, her roommate, Denise, would kill her if she used her savings for anything but finding her own apartment.

The sun was setting by the time Josie reached her building, a tiny apartment complex in the middle of downtown. Her phone started playing a Frank Sinatra tune as she got off the elevator. She groaned when she saw the name Sharron Parker on the screen. Josie propped the phone between her cheek and shoulder so she could dig in her bag for her keychain.

“Hi, Mom.”

“Jocelyn! How’s the paralegal?”

Josie ignored the twinge of annoyance at her mother’s insistence on using her full name. “Fine, I’m just getting home from work.” She could hear pots and pans clanging in the background as her mother spoke. Sharron always had been proud of her elaborate cooking. Josie tried to ignore it as she dropped her bag in the front hall and went to the kitchen to examine the contents of the freezer. She chipped the purple nail polish on her index finger as she rummaged through the frozen food and microwave dinners.

“Good, that’s good to hear.” Sharron’s focus was obviously on whatever dish she was preparing. “Listen, I’m going to be in town in a couple of days, and I’d like to meet with you for coffee while I’m there.”

Josie frowned. Sharron usually wanted to meet in person when she needed to ask for something. She pushed Sodapop the cat off the counter and tried not to crinkle the cellophane wrapping of her instant mashed potatoes too loudly. “Um, sure, that’s fine. I’m free at three on Saturday.”

“Perfect, text me the address of a place that you’d like to go. It’s my treat. Also, I wanted to ask you: Have you spoken with your sister lately?”

“With Katy? Um…” Josie couldn’t remember the last time her mother had asked about Katy. Usually she said no news was good news, and if Katy wanted to ruin her life with partying and nightclubs and cigarettes, that was her choice. Communication in the family had been scattered since Josie and Katy’s father had passed away. Lung cancer tends to mess things up. “No, I haven’t heard from her recently.”

“Hmm,” was all Sharron had to say to that. “OK, I’ll see you this weekend.” And she hung up. Brisk as usual.

Sliding her phone into her pocket, Josie tied her messy brown hair back and picked up the pack of cigarettes sitting on the counter. Denise hated her smoking in the apartment, so she tried to keep it outside on the patio. She smoked her first cigarette in high school, sometime around sophomore year. She and Katy had grown up with the smell of smoke, and picking up the habit themselves seemed only natural. Josie had always managed to keep it hidden from Sharron, but Katy was far more open about it. By the time their father was diagnosed, Josie was already hooked. She gave up trying to quit maybe a week after his funeral.

She turned and caught sight of a calendar on the wall, full of appointments in Denise’s swirling, half-cursive handwriting. Bridal shower, cake sampling, dress alterations. She curled her lip and walked away. While she was excited for her roommate, marriage wasn’t entirely appealing to Josie. She could still see Denise’s glowing smile when she came home one night with a ring on her left hand. It shouldn’t have come as a shock when Denise had asked her to move out. The lease was in Denise’s name.

Ignoring the guilty twist in her stomach, Josie headed for the back patio, opening the pack of cigarettes. What her mother didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her.

Josie should’ve known agreeing to coffee with her mother was a mistake. She sat down and Sharron handed her a steaming mocha along with those smiling words. A command in the form of a request. “Your sister is being evicted. She needs a place to stay. Only for a week. Your roommate won’t mind, will she?” Josie should’ve seen this coming.

“Why don’t you take her?” she asked. “You and Katy get along a lot better than she and I do.”

“I don’t see why this is so difficult, Jocelyn. It’s just a week of watching your sister.”

“Mom, Katy’s 20; she shouldn’t even need to be watched.” Josie leaned over the coffee and scones her mother had bought even though neither of them were hungry. Sharron frowned at Josie’s elbows on the table but said nothing about it.

“It could be fun. Show her around the city, let her see what a real adult life is like. Not the crazy way she lives in Miami — partying, drinking, smoking God knows what with God knows who …” Sharron’s buzzing phone cut her off. Picking it up off the table, she began to tap out a reply text. “Sorry, it’s my client.”

Josie fell back in her chair and pulled her jacket sleeve down to try to cover the stamp on the back of her hand. The club logo from the night before had yet to wash off, but she was relatively certain Sharron hadn’t noticed the halffaded ink. “Smoking doesn’t seem that terrible to me. Lots of people from work do it, and none of them have dropped dead yet.” Josie thought of the pack of Marlboro Lights in the inner pocket of her handbag, right next to a bag of the strongest mints she could find.

Sharron’s eyes snapped up from the phone. “Sweetheart, cigarettes are slow-moving poison. They cook you from the inside out, and make you feel good while they’re doing it. Have you ever seen an X-ray of a smoker’s lungs?”

“Yeah, I’ve seen them. It just seems like there are worse things to do to yourself. It doesn’t kill you right away, does it?”

“I didn’t come all the way up here from Houston to argue with you about smoking.” Her mother hit send and put the phone down. She spread her hands in a placating gesture. “I wanted to get coffee and have a nice conversation with you for once.”

No, you came here for a business meeting, Josie wanted to reply. She fiddled with her napkin, twisting it around to give her fingers something to do. “I just don’t think the way Katy lives is completely her fault. When you think about the example we grew up with …”

Sharron scoffed and rolled her eyes. “That again. A father with unhealthy habits isn’t a good excuse to go into a tailspin. He smoked, he didn’t beat her.”

“But did you ever think there might be a reason why Katy started smoking so young? Why she lit up right after his damn funeral?” She began to tear bits off the corner of the napkin.

Sharron recoiled like she’d been slapped. “Don’t you swear at me. Your father was a good man, and I refuse to believe that his one bad habit was the cause of my daughter’s delinquency.”

“Mom, he left me alone in a department store so he could have a smoke break when I was 6!” Josie lurched forward again, this time with her palms flat on the table between them.

Sharron mirrored her. “This isn’t about you; this is about your sister! Katy is flying to Chicago in a week, and you’re going to keep an eye on her and try to talk some sense into her until she goes home, do you understand me?”

Josie fell back into her chair. It was useless. “Yeah, I understand.” Her napkin was in shreds.

Sharron’s phone buzzed and she stood up, still leaning over the table. “I have to meet my client. Katy will text you her flight details in a couple of days.” She plucked her purse off the back of her chair and scooped up her phone from the table.

“That’s fine,” Josie said, but Sharron was already hurrying away, typing out more text messages as she went. Josie waited to be sure she was gone, sizing up the cold coffee and pastries left on the table. She grabbed her belongings and headed for the door, digging her lighter out of her pocket as she went.

Sharron always got what she wanted. A week later, Josie was helping Katy load her suitcase in the back of a taxi idling outside O’Hare. Katy had been easy to spot in the crowd of tourists — her hair, always dyed a bright color, was royal purple. Silver studs shone in both of her ears.

“How’ve you been?” Josie asked as they settled into the backseat and the driver pulled away from the curb.

Katy blinked owlishly before shifting to look out the window. Her eyes had always been unsettling — cold and gray. Like their father’s had been. “Good, I guess. Sorry Mom dumped me on you for a week.”

Josie leaned back against the headrest and closed her eyes.

This was OK. The week was going to go just fine. Maybe bringing Katy to the book club wasn’t such a great idea after all, Josie reflected. Everyone had been welcoming enough when they had first gotten here, but Katy turned down all attempts at conversation and sat in a sullen silence. She was in a bad mood because Josie had woken her up and made her come to the meeting, even though Katy came home at three that morning drunk and smelling like a nightclub. Now, Josie wished she had just let her sister sleep. The meeting was only 10 minutes in, and she could already feel the awkwardness pressing down on her chest. Having her sister here at the book club made Josie feel like she had felt all week — wrong. Like an alien presence had invaded her life.

Josie decided to get the ball rolling. She turned to Jacob and asked, “So what did you think of this week’s reading?”

His eyes brightened, just like she knew they would. “I loved it! It has so much to say about youth and the loss of innocence. And Johnny’s death scene? It gets me every time.” They were finishing up the last few chapters of The Outsiders

It had been one of Josie’s favorite stories since high school, and she’d been looking forward to this discussion for weeks.

“I loved the exploration of the idea that being scared is what makes you human,” Linda said from across the picnic table, where she sat holding Danny’s hand. Jenny and Chris, who had made it to the meeting for once but clearly hadn’t done the reading, both nodded their agreement.

“There was actually a quote along those lines that I highlighted…” Jacob trailed off as he thumbed through his well-worn copy. Maybe this was one of his favorite stories, too. “‘Things were rough all over, but it was better that way. That way you could tell the other guy was human, too.’ I think that almost sums up the entire story in those two sentences.”

From her corner of the table, Katy let out a snort. All eyes turned to her. Josie braced herself.

“Katy, do you have something to add?” Jacob asked, not unkindly.

Katy rolled her eyes. “The Outsiders isn’t about being scared or any of that shit. It’s about growing up and making your own damn decisions.”

After an awkward silence, Josie remarked, “Katy, that’s not … have you even read The Outsiders? You don’t like reading.”

“I’ve seen the movie,” Katy said evenly.

Josie groaned. “But we’re not discussing the movie; we’re talking about…”

“No, this could be interesting,” Jacob said, grinning. “A book versus movie discussion. So what makes you say The Outsiders is about making your own decisions, Katy?”

“Jacob, we all know that’s not what the story is about,” Josie interrupted. She turned a glare on Katy. “Don’t we, Katy?”

Katy stared back for a moment, unperturbed. She looked like she was making a decision. Turning to Jacob, she said, “Josie wants to ask you out. She’s just too scared to do it.”

“Katy!” Josie felt heat rise to her cheeks. What was her sister thinking?

Katy shrugged. “Well, it’s true, isn’t it?”

Josie glanced at Jacob apologetically. He looked just as confused as everyone else at the table did. All copies of The Outsiders lay on the table, forgotten. “She’s kidding,” Josie said, trying to laugh it off. “She’s just kidding,” she announced again, after clearing her throat.

There was another awkward silence. Katy sat back, looking pleased with herself. Josie rubbed her temples and avoided eye contact with everyone. Three days, she reminded herself. You only have three days left until she goes home.

“Why do you still work there?”

Katy asked one afternoon when the two of them were leaving the law firm. It was her last day here, as Josie had been reminding herself since she got up that morning.

Josie glanced around, wincing, hoping that none of her coworkers were nearby. “Because it’s a good company and a good job. You should consider having a solid job yourself.” Her answer came out harsher than she’d meant; she was still smarting from the book club meeting the other day.

Katy seemed unaffected by the jab. “At least I enjoy my jobs when I have them. That place felt like a prison. Like sitting in a box all day.”

“You weren’t there all day; you were there for half an hour while I finished up. It’s really not…” Josie trailed off as she realized they were nearing the corner with the motorcycle on it. There it was, coated with a thin layer of dust from sitting out so long. The For

Sale sign was starting to fade in the sun. It still looked beautiful.

Katy looked where Josie was staring. “What, the bike?”

“It’s just something I look at on my way home. I thought the color was pretty.”

“You want to buy it,” Katy said matter-of-factly. “Just like you want to quit your job.”

“I don’t want to …”

“You’re so full of shit.” Katy walked off, crossing the sidewalk toward the motorcycle. She stood admiring it for a moment, running her fingers along the handlebars.

“Katy, you should leave it alone. It’s not yours.”

“So?” Katy shrugged and then went closer and mounted the bike.

“Katy!”

She grinned wickedly. “Wanna take it for a ride? We could probably hotwire it.”

“Get off of it! Someone could see!”

Katy shrugged again, dismounting and pulling a pack of Camel Lights out of her pocket. “Whatever you say.” She lit up and inhaled as they started walking again, watching to see if Josie would stop her.

Katy kept up with her. “You’re so full of shit,” she said again.

That evening arrived with an almost palpable sense of relief. Tomorrow, Katy was going home. No more arguments. No more pretending that she hated smoking. No more of those gray eyes looking down at everything they saw.

Josie had just finished the first few chapters of The Book Thief for the book club when she smelled it. Cigarette smoke. She groaned. If Katy was smoking on the back patio again…

But Katy wasn’t smoking on the patio. She was smoking in the living room.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Josie stood gazing at the smoke curling into the air. Soaking into the walls, the couch. Denise is going to kill me. “I told you not to smoke, especially in the apartment!”

Katy shrugged indifferently. “I always do things I’m told not to. Have I listened to you once this week?”

Josie marched over and tried to snatch the cigarette from Katy’s hand. “Put that out. It’ll kill you just like it killed Dad. And it makes Mom furious.”

Katy held the cigarette out of reach. “I know you smoke too! You smell like it all the time, and you hide a pack in your purse! I’m not stupid!”

“It’s none of your business what I do!” Josie felt her voice rising in pitch. “Now put that damn thing out!!”

Katy maintained even eye contact — and buried the cigarette butt in the middle of the white couch cushion. It went out in a soot-streaked crunch.

Josie’s vision went red. “That’s it. Go back to Florida and do whatever the hell you want to do — smoke, spend all your money on drugs, kill yourself for all I care!” She wanted to break something.

Katy leapt to her feet. “Maybe I will kill myself; you wouldn’t give a damn!”

Josie grabbed the ashtray from the coffee table and threw it against the wall behind Katy’s head. Glass and gray flecks of ash exploded everywhere. “Get out!” she screamed in her sister’s face. She didn’t care where Katy went. She just wanted her gone; she wanted her to stop looking at her life through those dead gray eyes.

Katy stared back at her for a moment, her mouth pressed in a hard, thin line. Then she turned abruptly and headed for the back patio, slamming the sliding door shut, rattling the glass.

Half an hour later, neither of them had moved or looked at each other. Josie had been sitting on the edge of the couch, her head in her hands. When she finally looked up, Katy was halfway through another cigarette.

Katy didn’t move when she heard the glass door open or when Josie sat down next to her with a blanket around her shoulders.

“Aren’t you cold?” Josie asked. Katy only shook her head.

Josie held out a cigarette. “Light me up.”

Katy raised her eyebrows and held out her lighter in response. Josie stuck the cigarette in her mouth, taking a deep breath as she leaned back against the door.

“I’m buying that damn motorcycle,” she said after a moment. “To hell with what Mom or Denise or anyone else thinks.”

“You should buy it,” Katy said. “It’s the only reason you’ve smiled since I got here.”

For a moment, the only sounds were their soft exhales and the murmur of traffic in the street far below them. Then Katy said, “Can I share that blanket?”

“Sure,” Josie said, moving over. They finished smoking like that, huddled together under the stars. Their trails of smoke rose through the chilly night air, curling into paths through the darkness.