On Dit 2011, Issue 0 (Mock-Up) by Sam Deere

On Dit Volume 79 Issue 0 Degrees of Knowledge The Law School Exposed

How To Hi-Fiving: Are You Truly Prepared?

Vox Pop The People Have Spoken

plus Music! Poetry! Pictures! Text!

Adelaide Universityâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s

very own magazine!

Campus

culture, local info, politics, music, no free samples

A WORD from the 2011 editors Dear member of our soon-to-be-adoring public, I’m Sam, one third of the incoming editorial team for Adelaide University’s venerable student rag, On Dit. My co-editors (Rory and Elizabeth) and I would like to humbly offer this mock-up edition of the magazine for your enjoyment and scrutiny. We’ve put together a mock-up for a number of reasons. Partly it’s because we’re narcissists and we can’t wait until the first edition to come out to see our name in lights. Partly, it’s because we don’t know how to use InDesign and really need the practice. Mostly, however, it’s because we wanted to get a feel for what you, the punters, think of our vision for 2011. We’ve come up with some brand-spankingnew, high-concept ideas, and reintroduced a few old favourites. We’ve chosen shiny

new fonts (which we’re a little bit too excited about) and commissioned brand new, totally original content (thanks to all the wonderful people who contributed). So, whether you’ve obsessively read every page of every edition of On Dit since you started Uni, or you’re fresh on the scene, we’d love you to hurl your two cents in our direction. Read on, then let us know what you like, what you loathe and what you’d like to see in On Dit next year. Either write your comments on our blog – ondit2011.tumblr.com – or email them to samuel.deere@student.adelaide.edu.au.

Stay awesome, Sam (and Elizabeth and Rory)

Solutions

C E R L D B A M

Targedoku

M D S A R C E B L

B E L M D S C R A

C R A B E L M S D

R A B L S M D C E

L S D E C A R M B

E M

1. Bee 2. Mango 3. Alcohol 4. Fan 5. Pursuit

Crypt-o-clues

C D B R A L S

1. It’s the Japanese word for green 2. Any of Marlon Brando, George C. Scott, Dudley Nichols 3. Lilac 4. Canada (Hamilton, Ontario to be precise). 5. Daniel Dumile 6. Victorinox 7. Chişinău 8. The tiger 9. 273º 10. Thomas the Tank Engine was narrated by Ringo Starr of the Beatles

TriviaRAMA

The copyright to this work resides with its respective authors,or with the editors.

This is not an official edition of On Dit, and is not affiliated with the 2010 On Dit editorial team or the Adelaide University Union.

No peeking until you’ve done the Diversions on page 23

Editors: Sam Deere Elizabeth Flux Rory Kennett-Lister

Contents Degrees Of Knowledge

Vox Pop

Feature: Euthanasia

Photography 12 How To...

Music 15 Columns 16 Artsy Bits

Diversions 23

Degrees of Knowledge:

LAW

Sujini Ramamurthy turns her critical eye on the fun and failings of the Adelaide Law School

Were I to tell you that I am studying a law degree for any other reason than my intense horror at the thought of spending my remaining years as a lifeless husk recording complaints at Adelaide Metro, only one day to be found with a sideboard filled with the heads of children and other small mammals labeled “Hat Collection,” then I would be lying. This is a terror endured by many law students, for whom the impetus to study is less a fondness for the thought of one day being able to speak exclusively in Latin maxims, and more a panic inspired by, “I just spent the last two years reading Heidegger and still don’t know what a ‘mitsein’ is. Halp!” There appears to be

an overwhelming amount of law students who have no intention or desire to actually practice, unsure of why they are at law school, what they will do once they have finished, or even whether they enjoy it. Many conceive of the degree as some sort of safety net, the procurement of which will provide a safeguard against unemployment. While some, perhaps somewhat incongruously, believe that obtaining a law degree will more readily qualify them for non-law jobs. This lack of interest in legal practice may be partially explained by the fact that those channels which could encourage such an interest are often not embraced by “casual” law students. Though there is a definite idea of a “law school community”, it is not necessarily easy to penetrate, and this can give rise to a sense of alienation amongst some law stu-

Ligertwood circa 1969. Progress really sucks

dents. It can be made all the more difficult if, like me, you have a morbid fear of pastel shirt/ tie combinations, the sight of which cause you to froth at the mouth. The law school features a large number of mooters, debaters, law revuers, advocators, and so on. Yet, the majority seem simply to dart in and out of the classes like moths to a flickering 60-watt bulb. As for how a typical law subject is structured, it will generally include the study of the historical development of the law, legislation and case law. These are applied to problem scenarios in exams which last only two hours and yet are worth terrifyingly large percentages of your final grade. It will also involve large numbers of students being stuffed like a flavourless Christmas ham into a tutorial room, in which the school knowingly disregards the occupational health and safety regulations they are teaching. “Welcome to Law of Work…Ps. Never do this.”

Most important to your law studies will be the acquisition of a decent set of exam notes for each subject. Note sharing is rife in the law school, and writing your own notes when someone else has done the work for you makes about as much sense as my Indian mum after a couple of southern comfort and cokes. Notes can be accessed online, from an older law student, or simply by looking on the computer screen of that guy sitting next to you. No, not that one…on the other side. That one, in the stripes. Yeah, that’s the one. Finally, I must make mention the sense that Adelaide University law has suffered a general decline in recent years. Aside from the obvious fact that certain courses have remained untouched by the editing shortcut keys for eons, this decline can be clearly evinced by the defection of several Adelaide law teachers to Uni SA. I’m picturing a Cold War on North Terrace, where Adelaide University bureaucracy has driven comrades to the Western Bloc.

Rory (Law) 1. “We say/pop vocals” 2. Verse, Chorus, Verse, Chorus, Bridge, Double Chorus or Verse, Chorus, Instrumental Breakdown, Discordant Noise Fadeout 3. Negative 3 4. Postpunk-neofunk-nuwavesludge-pop-noise-core 5. Adelaide band profiles, a fresh, unbiased insight into contemporary Australian politics and more creative stuff.

Kate (Science) 1. I think On Dit is French for ‘we say’; vox pop, no idea 2. Chemistry. Pretty stressed about it 3. I’ve played it, I’d rate myself 4/10 4. I dunno... fresh? 5. I liked ‘Disease of the week’

George (Science/Maths) 1. We say / no idea 2. Pure maths, I have a test... 3. I think some people are trying to bring it back. The wrong thing to do would be to start a club for it. 4. The word new turns me off - sounds a bit focus-groupy 5. I want my student newspapers to look shitty and worn out

We asked our panel of randomly selected students: 1. What do “On Dit” and “Vox Pop” mean 2. What’s on your mind? 3. How much hackey sack have you played? 4. What does “new” mean to you? 5. What should the new On Dit provide?

Garf (Law/International Studies) 1. On Dit is a magazine made through contributions from Adelaide Uni students. Vox pop – Is that a soft drink? 2. W hale hunting. We shouldn’t eat anything that’s bigger than us. 3. I played it once. It wasn’t a very good experience. 4. T he charisma is different. 5. It should be a bit more lighthearted. It should make you smile after you read it.

Simon (Dip. Lang) 1. Vox Pop: no idea, On Dit: a magazine 2. I’m hungry, craving Chinese food 3. Not much 4. A fresh start 5. Vouchers for cheap drinks / meals for friday

Emma (B. Music) 1. Voice popular (?), one says 2. My boyfriend’s flatmate being mean to him and going through his stuff 3. 2 games in high school 4. Fresh 5. Local music reviews & upcoming gigs

Matters of Life and Death Sam Deere explores the murky ethics of voluntary euthanasia

Death

is understandably a touchy subject for most people. The concept of total oblivion quite rightly frightens the shit out of us. If youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re of a slightly less secular persuasion than myself, death perhaps connotes everlasting happiness (and an awesome set of wings); however, thereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s also the possibility of eternal damnation to wrap your head around. A very basic, primal place in the human psyche tells us that death is scary; our survival instincts tell us to avoid it at all costs - even In conversation - lest we remind ourselves of our own mortality.

But what if your life was blighted by disease? What if every waking moment was agony? What if your body was slowly devouring itself, consumed by multiplying cancer cells, or paralysed by nervous system shutdown? What if the things that made life worth living – interaction with family and friends, creative expression, personal autonomy, dignity – were stripped from you? Perhaps you’d want the end to come a little sooner

automatically legal if Brown’s Bill is successful, but it gives the choice back to Territorians.)

The word euthanasia literally means ‘good death’, but (since we’re not in Ancient Greece anymore) the word is better understood as the process of ending someone’s life to alleviate their suffering. To some, it is the most humane option for people who have lost all quality of life and no longer wish to live. To others, it represents a violation of the sanctity of life, an unfair imposition on doctors, an untenable risk to people in very vulnerable situations, and a failure to properly care for those in pain.

In September, Labor MP Steph Key and Greens MLC Mark Parnell teamed up to introduce identical bills into their respective houses of parliament. The proposed legislation would give a terminally ill or chronically suffering patient the right to request that life-prolonging treatment be stopped, or for a doctor to administer a lethal dose of drugs.

Voluntary euthanasia (VE) is a subject that raises significant ethical questions. Moreover, for those who wish to see it legalised, it throws up plenty of thorny technical questions about how to implement it correctly. VE is legal in a number of jurisdictions: the Netherlands, Belgium, Luxembourg and Switzerland have all had state-sanctioned euthanasia for several years. Recently, the US states of Oregon, Washington and Montana also joined in. Efforts to legalise VE in Australia have been underway since the late 1970s, and support grows every year. This year, there are at least four parliaments debating the prospect. Although a Western Australian Bill was recently (and fairly emphatically) defeated, there is one before the Tasmanian parliament that has a reasonable prospect of success. At a Federal level, Greens Leader Senator Bob Brown will seek to repeal a law that prevents Territory governments from so much as thinking about euthanasia. (Euthanasia was legalised in the Northern Territory in 1995, but in 1996 Liberal backbencher Kevin Andrews used Federal government powers to overrule the Territory legislation. Euthanasia would not be

However, most relevant to you, dear reader, is a pro-VE bill that is now before the South Australian parliament. Given that a similar bill last year was only defeated by the slimmest of margins, SA might soon be the only place in Australia where a terminal patient can legally choose to die.

Headlines allude to controversy, to debate, to confrontation. However, public resistance to the Bill has been muted at best. Angry punters splashed the requisite amount of bile on AdelaideNow, but overall the general public have barely batted an eye. South Australians, it appears, are relatively comfortable with the idea of legalised voluntary euthanasia. Perhaps we shouldn’t be surprised. Last year, a Newspoll showed that roughly 85% of Australians think a physician should be able to administer a lethal dose of drugs to a suffering patient who requests it (interestingly, there was almost no difference between different age groups). Additionally, a recent survey commissioned by euthanasia advocacy group Exit International showed that nearly 75% of doctors were also in favour of legalisation. The name most synonymous with euthanasia in Australia is Dr Philip Nitschke, Exit International’s founder. Nitschke has been a passionate advocate for VE; he was instrumental in having it legalised in the NT, and assisted four patients to end their lives before the law was overturned. He now divides his time between advocacy, and providing information for those who wish to take their own lives as painlessly as possible.

When I asked if we’d soon see uniform VE legislation across Australia, Nitschke replied, “I think we probably will. My prediction is that we’ll see, probably South Australia or one of the other states bring in legislation fairly soon. That’s going to put a lot of pressure on the other states. All of these new models have got residency requirements – you have to be a resident [of the state] for some time; you can’t just jump on a plane and fly to Adelaide. That’s going to make people in other states somewhat envious, and I think you’ll see immense pressure for those states to follow suit.” Steph Key shares Nitschke’s optimism, and says that her bill is likely to pass, in spite of the conservative swing experienced in the March state election.. “You can never be totally confident, but in the discussions that I’ve had with members of the House of Assembly it looks like we have the support.” The road to this particular bill is littered with the wreckage of previous failed attempts. However, its drafters have taken heed. There are numerous safeguards, and a lengthy approval process once a patient makes a request. The attending physician must explain and offer all possible forms of treatment (in particular, palliative care). The doctor must then determine that the patient has no prospect of recovery, and a second doctor, who is a specialist in the patient’s condition, must provide the same opinion. If there is any question about mental incapacity or family duress influencing the decision, then a psychiatrist must also weigh in. Assuming the attending physicians agree, a witness signs off on the request. The case is then referred to a euthanasia review board – if the board approves the request, it may proceed. Nobody with an interest in the patient’s estate can be involved in proceedings, and anyone who abuses the process faces 20 years in jail. Opponents argue that safeguards cannot pos-

sibly offer enough protection. The first line of argument is that emotionally persuasive but logically questionable rhetorical device – the slippery slope argument. Once we make it okay to kill the terminally ill, where does it stop? What about the profoundly disabled, those with debilitating mental illness, or the longterm depressed? What about those who are killed without actually asking for it? This is around the point where comparisons to Nazi Germany’s Aktion T4 program creep in.

The road to this particular bill is littered with the wreckage of previous failed attempts. Margaret Tighe, founder of Right To Life Australia, explains her position: “Once we accept that principle, that someone’s life is no longer worthy to be lived, it’s very, very dangerous. It places at risk those in the community who are most vulnerable… You only have to look at countries where it has been practiced, particularly the Netherlands… where there has been a gradual increase in the numbers of patients having their lives ended, and an increase in the categories of killable patients.” Anne Hirsch, Secretary of the South Australian Voluntary Euthanasia Society (SAVES) counters this, arguing that pro-lifers misrepresent the statistics. Hirsch says that patients may have their lives shortened because of large doses of pain relief “That’s considered good medical practice in Australia – but those are the cases that they count as being ‘involuntary euthanasia.’” While no safeguards are totally foolproof, Hirsch notes that the Key/Parnell bill won’t make it any less illegal to kill someone against their will. “You have yet to invent a law that cannot be broken. We have red traffic lights and people drive through them every day… If you

Matters of Life and Death look at extensive research done by the medical profession, involuntary euthanasia happens far more frequently [in Australia] than in the Netherlands, but nobody takes any notice of that.” Pain relief resulting in death provides doctors with an interesting ethical loophole – the principle of ‘double effect’. The stated intention is pain relief; death is just a side effect (albeit a predictable one). Double effect is a jarring principle because it asks us to judge an action on its underlying intention, rather than its consequences. However, is a patient’s death truly incidental if the doctor knows they’re causing it? Obviously, those who argue against euthanasia aren’t deaf to the pleas of suffering patients. It’s not about denying care; it’s about considering the alternatives. For the most part, this alternative is palliative care – care designed to alleviate pain and suffering during the final phases of a terminal illness. This could be at a residential care facility, or in the patient’s own home. Right-to-life advocates say that modern medicine can relieve suffering amazingly well, and if all patients had access to a well-managed and properly funded palliative care program, nobody would be asking to die. Dr Yvonne Luxford, the President of Palliative Care Australia, doesn’t take a position on VE, but feels that we need to be more open to talking about death. She wants people to draw up advance care plans, and appointing substitute decision makers, so that they are in control of their own deaths. “Palliative Care Australia neither supports nor opposes voluntary euthanasia… We’re not entering into an adversarial discussion with the proponents of voluntary euthanasia. [However], we want to make it really clear that voluntary euthanasia is not part of palliative care, and make sure, that people are aware that people die with dignity while receiving palliative care.”

Despite being at pains to separate the two ideas, Luxford concedes that palliative care and VE could complement each other. “Voluntary euthanasia shouldn’t be the only choice that people are thinking of. I’m even reticent to use the word choice, because it makes it seem like it’s a one or the other thing, which it’s certainly not.” Prolife politicking aside, the two disciplines aren’t diametrically opposed. Palliative care is a viable, effective and dignified end-of-life solution, but it cannot always alleviate suffering sufficiently. Steph Key recognises the need for an expansive approach; Key told me that she is currently drafting legislation designed to greatly expand end-of-life choices, including better access to palliative care, advance and anticipatory directives, medical powers of attorney, and a formal register for organ and tissue donation. She hopes that this will put people in control of their own deaths. At time of print, the Key/Parnell bills were yet to go to Committee, a process that can take weeks, particularly for controversial legislation. Soon, however, the slow wheels of parliamentary bureaucracy will begin to turn, and both Houses will vote. The outcome is by no means assured; however, the tide of public opinion suggests that, if not this time, then soon. If it passes, we’ll be asked to think very differently about what happens to our elderly relatives, our parents, our friends and ourselves if life gets the better of our bodies. Some will always see a life as sacrosanct, irrespective of how much the person living it suffers. However, most of us want the power to make that terrifying choice. Perhaps the best way to move the debate forward is to follow Yvonne Luxford’s advice, to actually talk about death more often, and confront our mortality instead of denying it. Still, whether or not our parliament decides to legalise VE this year, I know what’s going in my advance directive.

Hipster Photos Like... yeah...

How To...

HIGH FIVE WITHOUT FAILING Carefully seek out an appropriate target. Adopt an opposing stance.

Raise right arm slightly, without follow through swing.

Fix gaze on target’s right elbow.

Follow through with forward swing.

Your hand should have connected with your target’s. Celebrate success with repetition of steps 1 through 4.

3. 4. 5.

Music

Local Band Bio: Jimmy And The Mirrors Words: Maverick Octavian Take U2, add the Temper trap, subtract A Place to Bury Strangers, times that by Powderfinger and divide the whole result by Robbie Williams and you’re somewhere near describing the sound that is, Jimmy and the Mirrors. People go batshit crazy for these lads, and for good reason. They are everything fun you remember about seeing a band live, they’ve got melody, they’ve got chill vibes, and they sing about girls and breaking up, so they’ve got relatable lyrics, too. The protagonist of the band (Bachelor of Laws candidate Jimmy Meegan) actually just chills on bass most of time whilst Banjo (a person – not the instrument) takes lead vocals and shreds, but from what I understand the song writing process is a collaborative one involving all the members of the band. This is acutely evidenced at their live shows; they all nail their own parts, whist remaining conscious that they are a collective, out to perform and entertain. I guess what I’m trying to say is that they are a ‘tight’ live band and that they’ll get your head bopping no matter how close or far you are from sobriety.

The boys have just returned from the road, having toured through rural Victoria, New South Wales and South Australia. Jimmy says that the experience was an “enlightening” one, and that they’ve “made some good friends in Coonabarabran”. Aussie mainstays You Am I are famous for their diligent work ethic and relentless touring; they put in hard yards over countless years to get to where they are. If Jimmy and the Mirrors keep contributing to the Adelaide music scene, their pathway could run mighty similar. And with JATM just announced as part of the Parklife festival melange, world domination can’t be far away.

Meet the Editors: Our Top Fives Rory

1. Silent Shout – The Knife 2. Fabulous Muscles – xiu xiu 3. Pinkerton – Weezer 4. Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain – Pavement

5. Standards – Tortoise

Elizabeth

Sam

Belle & Sebastian 2. Oh, Inverted World – The Shins 3. My Maudlin Career – Camera Obscura 4. Nothing 5. Elizabeth only owns three albums...

Valley – Kyuss 2. Beauty and the Beat – Edan 3. Rossz Csillag Alatt Született – Venetian Snares 4. S/T – The Herd 5. Demon Days – Gorillaz

1. The Life Pursuit –

1. Welcome To Sky

Columnist Illustrations by Billy Horn

Square Meals Southern Cross Food Court Words: Gemma Beale & George Stamatescu Scenario: It’s a Monday afternoon; The Casino’s ‘Man V Schnitzel’ isn’t for hours, what’s a hungry guy/gal to do? Solution: Southern Cross Food Court, not to be confused with its bigger, brighter (read: more expensive) neighbour City Cross Food Court, also located just off James Place. Now like many others you might have been avoiding this particular food outlet with its

mostly empty chairs and unpleasant decor, but like many others you’ve been making a mistake. You see it has been largely accepted (by the authors of this column) that food courts built over the top of establishments that boast prices as affordable as fried potato are bound to produce meals for similarly cheap prices. And Southern Cross does not disappoint as it becomes a hub of discount meals at about 3:30 every week day. For this reason, at about this time most days, like an old dog that knows its meal time, you will find George lurking on the opposite side of the seemingly defunct Tropical Delight not so subtly trying to see if Daily Choices has dropped the price of their rolls to $2.50. Don’t want to hang around the city til the late afternoon for a day old sandwich? Want to eat lunch at lunch time you say? Never fear, Southern Cross has got that covered too, which brings us to Pars Kebab (formerly of the North West corner of the court). Pars Kebab offers everything from yiros to yiros ingredients served on a pile of rice for $8. Not quite bargain basement price but it’s good food, it’s filling and you could conceivably split it between two and be alright. If that doesn’t take your fancy, Price’s Bakery has a pretty mean spinach and cheese parcel for an affordable $3, though it should be noted that their banana muffin ($2.4 0) leaves a lot to be desired.

Don’t fuck with George around delicious Persian food

So get off campus and head on down to Southern Cross Food Court; the overwhelmingly large and unnecessary plasma screens mean that (depending how enthusiastic you are about in-court dining) you could conceivably grab a discount sandwich and catch Darma and Greg. Sweet deal huh?

What’s the strangest place in the world? By Elizabeth Tien An Flux The houses are all the same; white brick with blue trimmings. Graffiti covers the walls, despite each property being surrounded by a razor wire fence. There is not a car to be seen, and each home is only big enough for one. Instead of the orderly winding roads of suburbia, a giant circle of houses surrounds the village green. In the centre rises a large stage, and a crowd of vaguely familiar people jostle to get to one of the many microphones positioned around. One girl finds a gap in the throng and pushes herself forward. She clears her throat. Hush rings out, as the town PA system screeches on. “Andrea Levy – is nver dirnking aginn”. Welcome to Facebook: where it isn’t stalking – it’s ‘networking’. The township of Facebook has paradoxical views on security and privacy. The council has decreed that no one may visit unless they own property surrounding the green, and one may not visit others unless they get their Mines of Moria on.

However, once one speaks “friend” and enters... ...It’s on like a stereo in a late model Douchemobile. In the outside world, if you haven’t seen someone in a while, you rejoice. Or call them to catch up. Whatever. Here however, without them being any the wiser, you can stroll through their gate, enter their house, rifle through their photo albums, listen to their answering machine messages, flip through their CD collection, and peruse their address book. You could even scribble on one of their walls. But you probably won’t. Fun as this healthy and social activity may be, chilling alone in someone’s house can get old pretty quickly. Long term residents know that the real action is out on the village green. Heading outside, you pass the council workers,

busy working on the next seemingly-obligatoryyet-redundant major revamp of the town. Small clusters of people eye them suspiciously, whilst talking about “the good old days”. One man declares that it is “inconceivable that the council can so blatantly ignore the public wishes in this way”. There is a hearty orchestra of responses consisting mostly of “hear hear” and “where’s our dislike button?” Towards the back, a young man determinedly tries to convince the crowd that the “the hottest kid in school will fall madly in love with you” if only they will pass on the story of a young girl who was eaten alive by an army of mutant cabbages. Failure to do so will, of course, result in a similar fate. Needless to say he is surrounded by a gaggle of 15 year old girls, all shouting about leafy vegetables.

“I LIKE THIS” the third girl blurts out, before running away. She almost knocks over two men as she flees, but they’re too busy laughing about how witty it is that they have declared their marriage to one another over the PA system to all their friends. See, it’s funny because they’re not really married. Ha. Off in the distance, a man is being handcuffed and placed into a squad car. Facebook keeps the grammar police busy. Suddenly, you feel a sharp pain in your side. “Can’t stop to chat”, shouts a sandy haired acquaintance over his shoulder as he runs off towards his house. His door slams, and you are left alone.

Further along, two girls are chatting together You have been poked. about what they did on the weekend. Another girl sidles up to them. They stop. There is silence. What’s on my mind? Mostly: W.T.F.

What’s The Biggest Lie You’ve Ever Been Told? Words: Emma Jones Kissing was something I had been looking forward to doing from a very early age. I watched, wide-eyed, as Jasmine and Aladdin locked lips on a magic carpet. I tenderly mashed Barbie’s face against Ken’s while Savage Garden’s Truly Madly Deeply played on cassette in the background. I memorised the first kisses of all the members of the Babysitter’s Club, listened enviously to the smooch stories of my older cousins, and, on one unfortunate occasion, tried to re-enact one with my pillow. I was tragically teenage, a hopeless, socially retarded romantic, and the world was promising me all the passion and intrigue a girl could hope for. My first kiss would be perfect, a symbol of true love fit to awaken any princess from her slumber… sigh, swoon, and so forth. Sadly, as anybody who’s ever had a first kiss would know, this romantic reverie was nothing but a magnet for certain disappointment. In short, my pre-teen dream was a pile of shit. Naturally, my disillusionment began at the beginning, with my very first kiss. I won’t dish the gory details, for anonymity’s sake (Adelaide is small, after all), but it should suffice to say that he wore braces, and my mouth bled. Our subsequent embraces were hardly an improvement, and my first case of heartbreak can probably be attributed to the fact that I pretty much sucked at sucking face. Embarrassingly, my romantic résumé from that point onwards features a series of similarly awkward moments. We’ve all had our fair

share of them. The tooth-knock, the inadvertent boob-squeeze, the parental walk-in, the misinterpreted gesture, the poor technique… not to mention the post-kiss moment, infinitely more awkward than the kiss itself. Nervous laughter and burning cheeks are a certainty. Fumbling removal of outer garments is a possibility. But not a necessity – I’ve had first kisses that have ended in everything from high-fives to tears. It may not be coincidence that most of these kisses were drunk kisses. Oh, drunk kisses. Ruiners of romance, spoilers of sweetness. I don’t know about you, but being drunk seems to strip me of my ability to make sound judgments. I’m pressed to think of a paralytic pash with less-than-disastrous consequences. Painful yet inevitable is that moment of terror as you feel your last, injudicious tequila shot rising in your throat while your tongue is halfway down someone else’s. Even more painful is the shoe-splattering that is sure to follow. It’s okay, though, kids. If alcohol’s going to ruin your childhood ideal of a first kiss, you might as well give it a chance to do it properly. It seems that all my childhood hopes have evaporated into bitter adult realities as my twenties have kicked into gear. I’m told this is called “life”. Ironically, this is not a big lie. The dreamy picture of my first kiss painted by the entertainment world was a giant lie. My friends tell me to be optimistic. They say that the fabled “one” is just around the corner, and with him, a first kiss that will knock my socks off. I roll my eyes. First kisses suck. It’s Adolescence 101. But it’s okay. Practise makes perfect.

No/Heading/Nowhere Words: Rory Kennett-Lister I’ve always been one to skip headings, instead bombing straight into the text. I get a few pages through then start to misinterpret what’s written, or at least think I’m misinterpreting it (a similar sort of disassociation, I guess). So I turn back, read the heading, turn forward and pick back up from the sentence I was on. Usually during the restart I’m thinking about what I’ve read up to that point in the context of the heading, and as a result I don’t notice what I’m reading at that time. By now you’ve probably looked back at the title of this rambling monstrosity, picked up the stalled sentence and done the same thing. Snap out of it! Concentrate! Affronted by this personal address you’re probably now asking, “Where is this heading?” Since you asked, I have three answers for you. If ‘this’ refers to the word itself, then nowhere — it is static on the page. If by ‘this’, you mean the article heading, the answer is easy — at the start of the piece. However, if you mean the article itself, I’m afraid I can’t be as definite. To be honest, it might be heading nowhere. Or, perhaps, this whole thing is a prolonged exercise in subconscious angst in the face of imminent entry into the ‘real world,’ written by one at the end of his uni degree, desperately trying to cling close to its nurturing bosom, having almost sucked dry the teat of tertiary education, teeth slipping off the saggy sack of scholarship.

If you’re the conspiratorial type, you might have figured this whole thing as a deliberate waste of your time written by someone with too much of his own. Think about it; there are indicators of a manipulative mind at work: a confessional opening tone to get you onside (you know how it is, you spend all this time writing and want somebody to not just read it, but agree with you); a shattering of the fourth wall, complete with exclamation marks (Yeah, I know it shocked you!); long, fractured sentences to get you rereading; a little bit of self-deprecation to (hopefully) keep alive in you the seed of doubt — “Maybe this guy isn’t a complete wanker”; an appeal to a common bond of anxious doubt. But if you thought any of that about this, and by extension, about me, you assume too much. On reflection, I guess all I really wanted to say was make sure you read the heading, otherwise you might find yourself reading some directionless drivel, and believe me, I know how aggravating that can be.

ArtSy BITS Restlessness Words: Deborah Packer / Illustration: Richard Seglenieks There is something inside me that dwells near my heart; It can bring me to life, it can tear me apart. It can lead wild adventures through worlds yet unknown, But it frequently leaves me in darkness – alone. It’s this something that constantly whispers to me Of the peak of the mountain, the depths of the sea. It’s the urge that compels me to keep asking, “Why?” And that tells me I must see the Nile ‘fore I die – See the pyramids raising their heads from the sand. Yes, let my sun set on some far distant land. With this voice in my ear I know I can be more And my birthright is dreams I’ve not dared dream before. I am walking the dirt of a poor village square; I am up ‘midst the clouds in the thin mountain air; I am lost in the song of the star when it sings; I can hold my head high among princes and kings. But the source of this hope about what I might win, Can’t but bring discontent to the state I’m now in. With such wealth at my fingertips how can I be Pleased to live out today in such ignominy? I seem never content with the home where I’m placed – For this life deep inside seeks a life more fast-paced. What’s this something that catches at every breath? Will it make my life splendid or hound me till death?

Diversions

Devious distractions, to disturb and delight.

TriviaRAMA

Awkword

1. Why is Midori called Midori? 2. Name one person who has

Fecund

turned down an Oscar 3. What is Gilderoy Lockhart’s favourite colour? 4. Which country hosted the inaugural Commonwealth Games? 5. What is avant-garde rapper MF DOOM’s real name? 6. Who is the official manufacturer of Swiss Army Knives 7. What is the capital of Moldova 8. Is the mother of a liger (tiger/lion hybrid) the lion or the tiger? 9. What is the boiling point of pure water at sea level, expressed in degrees Kelvin 10. Which of the following statements is true? • Tim Allen is a great actor • Thomas the Tank Engine was narrated by Ringo Starr of the Beatles • Apples contain more caffeine than coffee

Crypt-o-clues

What it means: producing or capable of producing an abundance of offspring or new growth What it sounds like it means: Dark, angry and eager for sex. Why is it awkward? Rolls of the tongue in a disturbing mix of two four-letter words too coarse for publication in this magazine. Sounds harsh and guttural, like being propositioned by a Neanderthal with his stonk on.

TargEdoku Find as many words as possible using the letters contained on the Sudoku grid, including the 9-letter word. Use the letters to solve the Sudoku – normal Sudoku rules apply (one of the Sudoku rows or columns contains the 9-letter word if you give up).

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1. After a nectar collector (3) 2. Go man, make yourself a tropical fruit! (5) 3. Local ho gets you drunk (7) 4. It’ll cool off an admirer (3) 5. Chase the cat’s noise first, if it’s convenient (7)

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