OMAHA MAGAZINE
NOT FUNNY
A HOLE TRUTH BY OTIS TWELVE PHOTOGRAPHY BY BILL SITZMANN
“T
HERE ARE TWO things every-
Now, it is also true that most of the opinbody has…” Those are the ions we have are not original. Mostly, we wise words of my grandfather, just parrot other people’s opinions that our Johannes, who hated Kaiser Bill, sources are repeating from other sources that loved bacon ends, and worked are sourced somewhere in the same mysterithe hard soil of northern Iowa ous underworld where dirty jokes come from. for most of his life. I won’t For example, it’s likely that we all have some complete his sentence political opinion that because people are easily pithy, made-up quote SURVEYS AND POLLS SUGGEST afrom offended these days by Abraham Lincoln, references to certain Thomas Jefferson, or THAT 95 PERCENT OF US anatomical features of Nelson Mandela will HAVE AN OPINION ABOUT the human animal. back up. As Lincoln himself once said, “There are EVERYTHING. WE OPINE One of those things is an things everybody ABOUT SUBJECTS LEFT AND two opinion. I’ve got one— has…” Again, I can’t an opinion that is—that RIGHT WITH BARELY A BREATH complete the sentence. matches up with about IN BETWEEN. any subject. So do you. You may have noticed We’re all opinionated. that I have not mentioned religion. That’s because Faith is a special case. Our own In fact, we live in the Golden Age of religious beliefs are just that, beliefs deeply Opinions. They’ve never been easier to access: held—a whole different basket of loaves and Facebook, Twitter, blogs, pundit TV, talk fishes. Our creeds are beyond any mere earthly radio, YouTube, and your inebriated uncle opinion, except perhaps what we thought at every family gathering no matter whether about last week’s sermon. We do, however, it’s a funeral or a feast. have any number of opinions about other people’s religions because…well, just because. Surveys and polls suggest that 95 percent of us have an opinion about everything. We You may have also noticed that I have not opine about subjects left and right with barely mentioned “facts.” There is a simple explaa breath in between. Vapor trails in the sky, nation for that. When it comes to opinions, head football coaches, the kids today, whether “facts” don’t matter. They are troublesome pumpkin spice flavor has any place in a sane things that, most of the time, don’t fit comworld, and politics—whatever the subject, fortably into our mental pockets. Besides we have our own personal take on the matter. when my grandfather said, “There are two The five percent who answer “no opinion” are things everybody has…” trust me, he was bald-faced liars. At least, that’s my opinion. As stating a fact. O for “undecided” voters, don’t get me started. As the Mean Farmer once said, “They know. Anyway, that’s my opinion. Oh, you know they know.”
SEPTEMBER
// OCTOBER • 2016 / 214 / OMAHAMAGAZINE.COM