Marriage, Inc. Magazine '16 by Olivet Nazarene University

MARRIAGE February 2016

INC

Healthy Marriages = Healthy Communities

MAGAZINE

THIS ISSUE: · Invest & Protect · When the Spark Burns Low · Beyond Luck PLUS resources to make the most of YOUR marriage!

FEATURING: A Celebration of Marriage

2016

COVER AND INSIDE FRONT COVER: © SYDA PRODUCTIONS/DOLLAR PHOTO CLUB

MARRIAGE

INC

CONTENTS

MAGAZINE

Marriage, Inc. Magazine

is published yearly by Marriage, Inc. in conjunction with Date Night. Volume 5, Issue 1

Welcome to Date Night

Invest & Protect

Marriage Renewed

Program Coordinator Kylee Miller

Q&A with Ryan Leak

When the Spark Burns Low

Marriage Education Coordinator Kathy Heck

Marriage, Inc. Staff Executive Directors Dr. Kent and Beth Olney

Greetings from Olivet! February 20, 2016

Beyond Luck

Impact Award 2016

Help Along the Way: Marriage Resources

Sponsors

A Prayer for Marriage

On behalf of Olivet Nazarene University, Jill and I are pleased to welcome you to Centennial Chapel for the eighth annual community Date Night. We count it a true privilege to open these doors to friends new and old, from Kankakee County, Chicagoland, and beyond. The more we get together, the more we feel like family. Marriage, Inc., the nonprofit organization that partners with Olivet to make this evening possible, has a motto: Healthy Marriages = Healthy Communities. This is a great community of friends, and we hope you’ll find that being part of it helps your marriage. Tonight’s event focuses on strengthening marriages and serves as a tangible reminder that these relationships are foundational to the well-being of all society. We are in for a great evening, with Jeff and Debby McElroy and Ron McGehee and Kerri Pomarolli here to entertain us and inspire us to give our best in our own marriages. Enjoy Date Night! Sincerely, John & Jill President and Mrs. John C. Bowling Olivet Nazarene University

Marketing Coordinator Ian Matthews Editorial Support Sheryl Feminis Luke Olney Laura Wasson Warfel Photography as credited

Contact Us Marriage, Inc. One University Avenue Bourbonnais, IL 60914 www.marriageinc.org info@marriageinc.org 815-939-5385

Magazine Design Matthew Moore Whitesand Graphics

SAFEGUARDING YOUR MARRIAGE Forty years ago this spring we were preparing for our wedding day. (Yes, we plan to celebrate this milestone!) Looking back on how we began, we still remember the pastor who provided our premarital counseling, challenging us to make our marriage last for a lifetime. “No divorce. Don’t threaten, tease or even joke about it,” he told us.

how to guard against Internet relationships and much more. Perhaps the thoughts written on these pages will cause you to think about ways you and your spouse can begin to put up hedges and protect your relationship. Or maybe you will be reminded of the need to strengthen the measures you put in place long ago but haven’t followed faithfully.

We listened intently, determined to follow his instructions. But, truth be told, there were few specifics shared on how to achieve a lifetime marriage.

As you may have already learned, the rewards of protecting and sustaining a marriage are incalculable. Children grow up more secure when Mom and Dad continue to live in a healthy relationship with each other. On average, both spouses benefit from a strong and intact marriage by being more productive, enjoying better health, and earning higher levels of income.

“Safeguarding your marriage.” That’s the theme of this year’s Marriage, Inc. Date Night magazine. With nearly every grocery store tabloid revealing the latest Hollywood affair and break up, as well as the calls we receive in the Marriage, Inc. office about troubled marriages, we felt it a worthy and timely topic to address. In this issue, you will find a variety of articles that address how to protect your marriage from boredom,

Beyond these personal benefits, the entire community benefits. A strong marriage means one less family unit that will need to depend on the government and other outside sources to care for them. This year, we challenge couples to: • keep the marriage vows made to each other; • put safeguards in place that will protect their union; • tell others what they are doing and why, as an accountability measure; • commit to remain married for life; and • enjoy their journey. Your marriage is worth protecting! Join us in building healthier marriages and healthier communities. In it for life, Kent and Beth Olney

Executive Directors, Marriage, Inc.

A celebration of marriage on the campus of Olivet Nazarene University Research shows that couples who devote regular time to each other are more likely to have a higher quality relationship and a lower chance of divorce. That’s why Marriage, Inc. organizes and hosts the annual community Date Night. It’s an evening we hope will inspire and encourage couples to keep each other a priority for the sake of their own marriage and family as well as the community as a whole. We all win when marriages are strong.

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What makes this gathering unique is that it seeks to educate, entertain, strengthen and renew marital relationships while helping couples relax and enjoy an evening spent with other married folks who are all on the same journey. No explanations are needed. We â&#x20AC;&#x153;getâ&#x20AC;? the humor and the jokes because all in attendance know what it is like to be married. For eight years, Marriage, Inc. has brought to Kankakee County relevant speakers who share truth about building godly relationships, as well as family-friendly comedians who keep the evening light and entertaining.

featuring: Jeff and Debby McElroy Ron McGehee and Kerri Pomarolli The Dave King Quintet

Past speakers include: 2009: Dan Seaborn 2010: Bill and Pam Farrel 2011: Les & Leslie Parrott 2012: Kevin Leman 2013: Michael & Amy Smalley 2014: Acts of Renewal (Jim Shores & Carol AndersonShores) and Jeff Allen 2015: Jay & Laura Laffoon and Michael, Jr Date Night is sponsored and underwritten by Marriage, Inc., Olivet Nazarene University, local churches and businesses and individual donors whose combined contributions help keep the ticket price affordable. Held once a year on the campus of Olivet Nazarene University in Centennial Chapel, Date Night consistently draws approximately 2,000 people together to celebrate marriage. Couples come from Kankakee County and beyond, traveling from Wisconsin, Michigan, and Indiana for this highly anticipated gathering. Make it a tradition to join us every Date Night for what we hope will be one of the highlights of your year and an event your relationship anticipates.

Marriage, Inc. is a nonprofit ministry of Olivet Nazarene University which seeks to build a culture of marriage in Kankakee County and beyond. . We believe marriage is a public good and the cornerstone for a healthy society. . We believe God created marriage between a man and a woman to last a lifetime. . We believe healthy marriages produce healthy communities. Therefore, we provide the following: . Premarital preparation for engaged couples . Marriage mentoring for distressed marriages . Counseling referrals for distressed marriages . Training to become marriage mentors . Community Date Night events . Workshops, speakers and resources for churches

Join us next year for Date Night 2017!

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INVEST& PROTECT: by Jackson Dunn

Getting the most out of any date night

When we hear the words “invest” and “protect,” we typically think of our finances. It’s definitely a good idea to do these things with your money and to strengthen your financial picture.

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To strengthen your marriage, you, as a couple, need to bring these concepts into your date nights and any other activities you may do together. Let me explain what I mean by this and how these things relate to this “Date Night” event and, ultimately, to your marriage. >

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My great friend and mentor, Dr. Greg Smalley, has always said that marriage doesn’t have an autopilot. He emphasizes that it’s tempting to just sort of sit back and hope everything works out. I have taken that to heart, both in my own marriage and in the work I’ve done with marriages over the years because it’s so true! Having been married for over 12 years and raising two little guys with my sweet bride, I’m tempted to sort of coast and hope things work out — especially as we deal with the typical stress and busyness of life. I’ve learned that Greg is right. There really isn’t an autopilot for our marriages. How does this apply to your date night experiences? Well, you’re actually going to have to put some intentional effort into these beyond just showing up. Please, hear me, though. Showing up is something to be celebrated, as many folks never even go on a date night. So, I want to praise you for getting dressed up and getting out of the house to actually go on a date. Well done! Now, there are some very simple ways to make sure you’re investing in these experiences: • Ask each other both fun and check-in types of questions. Good questions will spark some great conversation, and ensure you’re not just sitting in silence and staring at each other. • If you’re at something like the Date Night event, do what the speaker says. If you’re asked to talk, interact or even snuggle up, just do it! Invest your energy in the event to make sure you get everything out of it you can. • When you’re together, turn toward each other as much as you can. Instead of slightly turning your head to the side to talk, face each other. Being engaged with each other is more than just talking and asking questions. Body language is a big part of this. Before you go out and try these things, however, there’s one other thing you need to do in order to

make sure your date night is everything you hoped it would be. You also need to “protect” your time. Although typically subtle, issues from the outside quite often seep into our date nights and completely derail us. These distractions, such as finances, kids, in-laws, work and many other things, cause stress and tension. Getting derailed can be especially frustrating since the whole point of going on our date was to laugh, have fun and connect. So, we basically end up paying to go out and argue when we could have done that for free at home! Thankfully, there are some simple ways to guard against this derailment. • Start by being aware that this can happen, and don’t be frustrated when it does. It’s normal. We experience many stressors and make many decisions throughout a day. If you just expect it, it’s much easier to deal with it when it does happen. • When you do feel yourselves veering off the path toward conflict and disagreement, pause and identify what’s going on. If it is an issue that needs to be resolved or a decision that truly needs to be made, take note of it and commit to dealing with it later. Your date isn’t a business meeting, but it’s perfectly fine to identify a later time when you can deal with these issues and make important decisions. • Go into your date night with some specific plans for activities and even goals of things you want to learn about each other. Dr. Smalley has also instilled in me that we should seek to be lifelong learners in getting to know our spouse. With a plan and some goals, you’ll find it even easier to guard against outside distractions and to take advantage of your time together. With these two things in mind, you’re ready to get the most out of this and other date nights. So get out there and enjoy yourselves!

During his tenure as Director of Marriage and Family Formation at Focus on the Family, JACKSON DUNN oversaw the programs, strategies and initiatives of the Marriage Division. He and his team were responsible for providing resources to help prepare couples for marriage, enrich the lives of married couples and assist couples in crisis. He has spoken internationally, providing marriage enrichment for the U.S. Armed Forces. Jackson is now the Director of Operations at Adair Creative Group. In this role, he oversees the day-to-day functions of the business, builds and maintains relationships with clients, and ensures that the Adair Creative team is positioned for success. He also leads retreats and seminars for churches and universities. This new opportunity has allowed their family to move back to their home state of Arkansas, where his wife, Krista, teaches kindergarten. Their sons, Jack and Sam, are elementary school students.

SUBMITTED

Jackson and Krista, recently led a group of young married couples from Olivet in a weekend marriage retreat focusing on conflict management. This retreat was sponsored and underwritten by Marriage, Inc. and The Center for Healthy Relationships on the campus of John Brown University and hosted by the Manteno Church of the Nazarene. 8 | MARRIAGE INC. MAGAZINE

BOOK RESOURCE

ok, we know only read the bo t no e e’v W y. or so chock- full of love st — and viral — g story, but it’s al g in in at az in sc am fa y r ul ei tr th lls da have a deal. The One te .” “Ryan and Aman they are the real d for lifelong love an g , ly in al ok on lo rs ne pe yo le an up r co fo is es th re It Starts oach d practical appr ur Marriage Befo an Yo s ng tip vi le Sa ab of lu s va in author d Leslie Parrott, — Drs. Les an “Ryan and Amanda Leak’s story is both insp iring and insightful. It’s spontaneous rom ance coupled with historic wisdom from Scripture, making their story enticing to over one million people on YouT ube. In The One, you’ll discover the ingredients to their story that will also help make your story a success!” — Ron Luce, president/CEO of Teen Mania International

“Upon meeting the Leaks, you can’t help but see how they both reflect Jesus. From how they met to how they live now, it’s amazing to see the way they use their gifts and talents as communicators to reinforce what love is: it’s a surprise and a commitment. Both Amanda and Ryan are continuously sharing this message in all that they do.”

— Bianca Juarez Olthoff, speaker and chief storyteller at The A21 Campaign

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Ryan and Amanda Leak will be guest speakers for Olivet Nazarene University’s relationship week chapel services on March 2-3, 2016.

SUBMITTED

Questions & Answers with Ryan Leak

Filmmaker, entrepreneur and motivational speaker

Marriage Inc (MI): How long have you and Amanda been married? How long did you date before your big day?

Ryan Leak (RL): We have been married for almost

three years, and we dated for exactly five years before we got married.

MI: You had a “flashy” start to your marriage with the viral

You may have met Ryan before today. He recently made headlines for getting engaged and married on the same day to his now wife, Amanda (Roman) Leak. For two years, he secretly planned their entire wedding without her knowing a thing. Ryan and his team captured the entire day on video to produce “The Surprise Wedding,” which went viral a few short months after the wedding. Not surprisingly, we had a few questions for him — and he was glad to give the answers.

video documenting the same-day proposal and wedding. What were some of the benefits for you? Any challenges?

RL: Doing it the way that we did afforded us the opportunity

not just to do life together, but to make our careers one. Most couples don’t get to work together, but we do. The downside of it all is that we struggle to find normal. We don’t have a normal schedule, income or rhythm. We’re in for the ride of our lives, but the train we’re on doesn’t make many stops. We have to force ourselves to take vacations and have times of rest.

MI: What advice do you share with unmarried folks on how to safeguard their marriage before it starts? RL: Create good habits. So many people think they’ll change

when they get married and that marriage solves single people problems. Live as if your spouse was already there with you. We are unashamedly anti-pornography people. It’s awkward for people to talk about, but it has destroyed so many marriages and lives that we have to talk about it. Change before you have to. You don’t want to change your diet because you’re having health issues. Eat and live healthy now so you never HAVE to change your lifestyle.

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MI: What challenges do you face as a two-career couple? What advice do you have for other couples in your situation? RL: We both work from home. That can be amazing, yet complicated, when you have a child in the mix. Our advice is to set working hours and stick to a schedule. When you’re working, let your spouse work, too. When you’re off work, really be off and be present with your family. MI: Are there any rules that you and Amanda have in place to protect your marriage? RL: We don’t have any “rules,” but we do have “best practices.” Here are a couple of examples. We have a lot of young adults in and out of our home because we lead a young adult ministry at our church. All of the females know that I don’t hug any of them. There are moments when I will give a hug on a special occasion, but from a brotherly/fatherly place. Another best practice is that neither of us rides in a car alone with a person of the opposite sex. MI: You live far away from both of your families. What challenges has this created? What benefits have you experienced? RL: This became challenging once we had our son. But before that, we were fairly independent from our families. We love spending time with them, but being far away from them equates to their not really ever meddling in our private life.

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PHOTOS: © YELLOWJ/DOLLAR PHOTO CLUB

MI: What encouragement do you share with parents who have teens entering the dating scene?

MI: Is there a mentor couple that walks alongside you and Amanda?

RL: We only have a toddler, who’s quite the looker, but he hasn’t started dating yet. Although a few families have inquired about an arranged marriage. =)

RL: We are all the sum total of the friends and family we’ve

We speak to teenagers all around the country. To parents, we’d say that your role is to GUIDE more than CONTROL. Yes, you are responsible for your teens. And yes, you can MAKE them do what you want them to do as long as they’re in your household. But statistics show that doesn’t always work out well. I think the best thing a parent can do is SHOW and TELL. Show your kids what it looks like to be a man of God and a woman of God. And then show them what women and men of God look for in a mate. You want your teens to learn how to recognize a person who’s in love with Jesus and living that out on a daily basis.

had growing up. We inherently see things through a bias lens, and we have a hard time seeing. We all have blind spots, especially when it comes to relationships. What’s important is that couples, or even individuals, have people in their lives to give them another healthy perspective.

We have mentors in our life who, quite honestly, don’t even know they’re mentoring us. We’re constantly pulling healthy perspectives from pastors at our church, as well as from other mentors we’ve had since before we were even dating.

MI: What was your inspiration for writing The One?

MI: What advice, tips or rules do you suggest for parenting

RL: Our family, friends and fans asked us to do it. We never considered ourselves to be authors. But our community constantly encouraged us to tell our story. So we decided to take steps in that direction. We feel like God put His hand on our story and took it from there.

RL: Most adults who look at pornography say they were

MI: And since we’re in the Chicago metro area, what’s your favorite place to eat when you’re in Chicago?

teenagers?

introduced to it at age 13 or younger. Give the teenagers the space to tell you when they’ve messed up. They will lie because they don’t want to get in trouble. Create the grace space for your child to talk to you. The worst situation is living with a teenager you THINK is doing amazing, but who is privately sabotaging his or her future.

RL: We are unashamedly obsessed with Portillo’s.

RYAN LEAK is the Young Adults Director at Covenant Church in Dallas, Texas. He also owns an animation company called Park Bench Pro. He and his wife, Amanda, have been featured on “Good Morning America,” “The Today Show,” CNN, “The Queen Latifah Show,” and many other media outlets. Together, they travel and speak around the country to encourage healthy relationships. Ryan’s motto for changing the world is to ask every single person you meet one question: “Is there anything I can do for you?”

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When the Spark Burns Low

by Kylee Miller

Beating boredom in your marriage

Imagine this. After a long day of work, school, errands and practices, everyone arrives home. A meal is chosen, and preparations begin. The family gathers at the table and shares an uneventful dinner. Clean up, homework, chores and other duties get done. Kids have some free time before bedtime. Then, the nightly routine of getting ready for bed begins, followed by lights out for the kids. You and your spouse settle in for the evening. Turn on the TV. Answer a few emails or texts. Read a few pages of a book. Spend time on a few social media sites. Share some intermittent conversation in between. Before you know it, it’s time to call it a day. Sounds quaint and relaxing, right? Multiply this by two or three, or the number of nights a similar scenario happens in your home each week. Now, multiply it by 52 (weeks in a year). And then multiply it by how many years you’ve been married. Does the laid-back night sound tedious? Predictable? Boring? > MARRIAGE INC. MAGAZINE | 15

Any relationship — even our walk with the Lord — can lose passion or “pop” if we aren’t purposeful and mindful. Preventing marital boredom is important in order to keep your relationship interesting. If not addressed, boredom can become a gateway drug to other issues many married couples face: communication breakdown, conflict, even infidelity or addiction to pornography. How do you fight boredom in a relationship? Glad you asked!

Identify the boredom If you sense a day, night or weekend was boring, ask your spouse if he/she had similar feelings. A mundane night for you may have been the reprieve your spouse needed from a hectic day at work. Be sure to accept similar input in response, and try not to be overly sensitive. If both of you recognize a pattern of boredom, do something about it. More about this later.

Face what’s missing Spend time reflecting on what each of you is craving from your relationship. Be respectful and considerate of your spouse’s feelings and ideas. Try not to defend yourself or your current situation, but look toward the future and seek solutions. Be ready to compromise, if it comes to that.

Let’s face it. Sometimes there just might not be much to talk about! Here are a few conversation starters for practice or inspiration for your own topics. • What are three wishes you have for (our kids, our marriage, our nation, our future, our next vacation, etc.)? • What was the highlight and lowlight of your day/week? • If you could do one super romantic thing this week, what would it be? • Was there anything I did last week that bothered you? Why? • I’m really interested in hearing your opinion on (our next vacation, presidential candidates, current events, last week’s sermon, etc.).

In her book, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, Shaunti Feldhahn reveals that married couples who spent time talking or sharing an activity at least once a week were five times more likely to be “very happy” in their marriages than those who didn’t. Take time to identify activities in which both of you are willing to participate — not necessarily enjoy. You might surprise yourself and find pleasure in something you wouldn’t have guessed you would! Here are some ideas:

The best way to handle boredom or any marital issues you’re facing is to prepare and equip yourselves before problems arise. Prevent a marital breakdown by spending deliberate time on strengthening your marriage.

Now, some specific ideas for banishing boredom.

Intellectual stimulation

Conversation

Sometimes what you need from your spouse is the opposite of what you experience while the two of you are apart during the day. Identify activities that both of you are willing to try. How about reading a book together and discussing chapters as you progress? Or learning a trade or skill together through a community class. Or spending an afternoon at a science, history or art museum. Or watching a documentary together.

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Re-watch a movie or TV series both of you find humorous. Take in a comical play or a stand-up comedian’s performance. Listen to a streaming app of a favorite comedian. Devote a night to watching online videos of funny people or animals. Have a tickle fight.

Bottom Line

Before you try more new ideas to spice up your relationship, schedule a check-in time with your spouse to evaluate your efforts and results. Are they worth continuing? Do you have new ideas you want to try? Are your efforts too overwhelming? Too expensive? Too time-consuming? Do you need something more? Be open and honest. Then make a plan for what to do next.

To get the most out of your relationship, it’s important to share ideas, opinions and dreams. Set aside time on a weekly basis to have discussions together and, as a conclusion, select the following week’s topic so you have time to think about it.

One of the best stress relievers doesn’t cost a thing and pays benefits immediately. Humor can provide an important emotional outlet and can revitalize your attitude toward life and love. Even if you and your spouse don’t have the exact same sense of humor, you will probably have fun finding things that make both of you laugh out loud.

Recreation

• A child or grandchild’s performance, recital or sporting event • A monthly grocery or shopping trip together • A home improvement project • A new adventure, such as a day or weekend trip to a new or not fully discovered place • Volunteering time with people or an organization you’re passionate about • A motorcycle cruise or trip • A simple walk or run in the neighborhood

Follow up with your spouse

Laughter

When the Spark Burns Low

If you think you’re past the point of preventing, you may need experienced or professional outside help. Check out the page in this magazine that features area life coaches and counselors. Or contact the Marriage, Inc. office. We have over 80 couples in our local community who serve as marriage mentors. We’re here to help you strengthen your marriage!

KYLEE MILLER started as the Program Coordinator at Marriage, Inc. in July 2015. No stranger to healthy marriage organziations, Kylee worked for Marriage Matters in Jackson, Michigan, prior to her position at Marriage, Inc. Her husband of 10 years Mark, serves as a Track & Field assistant coach at Olivet. Mark and Kylee reside in Bourbonnais with their three-year-old daughter, Mae.

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by Kent and Beth Olney

BEYOND LUCK Six Steps for Protecting Your Marriage

Meet Ron and Kristy.* They, along with their two young boys, moved over 2,000 miles to assume their new roles as senior pastor and pastorâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s wife. Ron was a gifted leader and preacher. Kristy was a trained and talented singer. Together, they were winsome and admired. Everyone who knew them anticipated their long, bright future with limitless possibilities. Then, the unthinkable happened. Less than five years into his new role, Pastor Ron announced his resignation. He left Kristy and his sons, and drove off with the church secretary. Kristy and her boys, along with hundreds of church members, were numb. How could something so unexpected have happened right in front of their own eyes? Perhaps more troubling, if this could happen to community models like Ron and Kristy, it could happen to other couples, too. >

PHOTOS: ÂŠ ALIS PHOTO/DOLLAR PHOTO CLUB

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What could they do to prevent it from happening to them? Those questions plagued our friends — and us — for years. That experience and its distressing emotions were still fresh when a college student said to us: “You are lucky. You have found a trusted and faithful partner.” The student’s comment implied that some, perhaps many just like Kristy and Ron, are not so “lucky.” We have thought about the student’s remark often since then. Was she right? Is marriage success the result of luck?

Over our 40 years of marriage, we have made a number of intentional decisions to help us protect each other and our marriage. 1. Healthy spiritual habits. We regularly begin our days by kneeling to pray together and asking God to guide our decisions and actions. We read the Bible together daily and attend church as a couple. Believe me, it is hard to betray someone with whom you regularly pray and worship. 2. Physical fitness. Exercise is good for the heart. Our own exercise and fitness also have a profound influence on our spouse’s heart. The way we care for ourselves quickens the heart rate — not just our own, but our marriage partner’s as well. Staying healthy, fit and attractive is a practical way to keep interest focused at home. 3. Travel. Early on in our marriage, we made a decision never to travel alone with a person of the opposite sex. If a third person comes along, no problem. Otherwise, we politely

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agree to meet at the designated location and travel there alone. This decision has removed suspicion and has eliminated awkward situations, uncomfortable questions and defensive explanations. 4. Electronic gadgets. This is a critical and sensitive area that requires honesty and courage. Not everyone will take the same approach. Computers, smartphones, TVs and other electronic devices have the potential to interfere with marital communication. Potential risks include pornography, excessive time spent on social media, and the fantasy that results from renewing relationships with friends or lovers from younger days. In our marriage, I (Kent) do not have a smartphone. I do not trust myself with one. My office computer monitor faces the door. People who enter or stand outside my door’s window can always see my activity. At home, we do not have Internet access. We have one TV located in the most public area of our house. The results are that we limit our time with electronics, and our screens are visible and accessible to others. Public accountability has served us well and prevented untold heartache. 5. Shared activities. We enjoy doing things together. Whether walking, traveling, watching a ballgame, doing yard work, or reading a good book, we are typically together. We like sharing our discoveries and thoughts. Shared activities keep us connected. Over the years, we have developed new mutual interests and projects. Yes, we still appreciate having individual time alone. We are aware, however, that excessive isolation — even doing noble tasks — has relational risks.

6. Touch. Research points to the health potential of human touch. A tender caress or hug releases a chemical known as oxytocin which, in turn, strengthens bonds and increases trust between two people.

So go ahead and hold hands or put your arm around your spouse. It’s good for you, your marriage and everyone around you.

Touch enriches your family relationships in four ways:

Establishing intentional and preemptive safeguards is necessary along the way. So why leave the health of your marriage to luck?

• Communicating the quality of your relationship with your spouse. • Putting your children at ease (even if they occasionally roll their eyes) because they see that mom and dad are doing well. • Letting your spouse know that your relationship is on solid ground. • Reminding you and others of your lifetime commitment to your spouse.

Talk it over and create your own list of nonnegotiables. Be specific. Identify your limits. Develop a plan. Four decades of marriage have convinced us of two realities. One, marriage takes more than just luck. Two, the effort of investing in each other is well worth the time and energy!

*Names changed to protect identity.

DR. KENT AND BETH OLNEY serve as Executive Directors of Marriage, Inc. Both are employed at Olivet Nazarene University, where Kent is professor of sociology and chair of the Department of Behavioral Sciences. Beth directs The Elwood Center for Student Success. They are parents to Luke and Kyle, and grandparents to Autumn and Kamden, the children of Kyle and his wife, Amber.

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IMPACT AWARD ‘16 The Marriage, Inc. Impact Award is given annually to an individual or couple who has made significant investments in the marriages of couples in the greater Kankakee County area. This year’s recipients are Ronald and Tammie Ponton. The Pontons volunteer as marriage mentors for Marriage, Inc. and are very passionate about their role and this ministry. We interviewed them about their life and ministry. >

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How long have you been married? Where do you work? Ron: We’ve been married for 22 blissful years. And I’m not exaggerating! No marriage is free of difference of opinion or disagreement. But how you choose to resolve it can make or break a marriage. Tammie: We’ve both enjoyed being positive role models for marriage to our friends and co-workers. I’ve been a R.N. for 20 years and work at the Center for Digestive Health in Bourbonnais. Ron has been a police officer with the Bradley Police Department for 20 years. How did you meet? Ron: I had always admired Tammie from afar at our church, River Valley Christian Fellowship Church. I confess that I found out what Sunday School class she was attending and began attending the class, too. At first, I sat one row behind her. Then, I moved to the same row with her and sat several seats away. Finally, I got up the courage to sit next to her. I guess my persistence paid off. How, why and when did you get involved with marriage mentoring? Tammie: When our church asked for volunteers to do marriage mentoring, we saw a new opportunity. We were excited about the possibility of reaching couples before marriage and helping them learn skills that would make their marriages successful.

Why is marriage mentoring valuable and important for couples?

What advice do you have for couples who are considering becoming marriage mentors?

Tammie: As mentors, we can prepare couples for marriage and support them as they enter marriage. We can also be there for them years down the road when they have times of conflict. Ron and I have one daughter, Ashley. Before she got married recently, we coached her and her then fiancé, Michael, in conflict resolution skills during their engagement and wedding planning process.

Tammie: If a couple has a heart for seeing other marriages succeed, they should explore this opportunity. Coming alongside a couple before marriage is a humbling and rewarding experience. You can’t be afraid to be transparent about your own conflicts and how you resolved those conflicts.

Ron: Couples will have conflict. All couples do. This mentoring program is designed to help them learn how to resolve a conflict before it escalates. During our daughter’s years with us at home, she was able to witness the importance of healthy conflict resolution. I have done my best to model for her how a husband should love and treat his wife, and Tammie has modeled for her how a wife respects her husband as head of the household. What do you enjoy most about mentoring couples? Tammie: I like knowing that we’re helping these couples have a head start in establishing their new life together. They are better equipped to face the challenges they’re going to encounter. Ron: I like sharing with couples what we have learned about how to have a successful marriage. It makes our journey more valuable to me.

Ron: We were both previously married and divorced. After our failed first marriages, we both were determined to obtain all the information we could get to have a successful marriage. We both read a lot of books on relationships and communication. Then I met Tammie, and the rest is joyful history!

How has marriage mentoring impacted your own relationship?

Tammie: We were DivorceCare facilitators for six years. With marriage mentoring, we saw an opportunity to share our knowledge and possibly prevent couples’ issues before they resulted in divorce.

Ron: I am often reminded of what we need to do as a couple to keep our own romance alive. That is important, no matter how long a couple has been married.

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Tammie: This experience has definitely deepened and enhanced our relationship. I think we are more aware now of the example we are setting for other married couples.

Ron: Couples who are happily married often have a strong desire to help other couples have happy marriages. Marriage mentoring gives them the opportunity to share tools and insights with other couples. We want to see all couples experience the joys of a healthy marriage. What advice do you have for engaged couples who are considering marriage mentoring? Tammie: Mentoring couples believe so strongly in the importance of healthy marriages that they volunteer their time to mentor. They want to share their own experiences and help couples keep their marriages growing. Marriage mentoring will also help you understand why your partner thinks and responds the way he/she does. Ron: I encourage them to take advantage of having this mentoring program available at no cost to them. They can learn from the years of experience that mentoring couples have to share. When a couple says “I do” at the altar, that is when the real work begins to keep their relationship alive and growing. Marriage mentoring is here to help couples develop their own strategies to keep their marriages thriving.

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Have you ever used the expression “Can’t live with him, can’t live without him” in regard to your mate? Most of us probably have. If you find yourself in a rough spot in your marriage journey, take heart. Every relationship has been there at one time or another. The difference between those that survive and those that bail is how the rough spots are handled. In the following section, you will find resources that can help you through these challenging times. We’ve listed Marriage, Inc.-endorsed professional counselors and coaches, as well as other marriage organizations and events that can provide you the encouragement and support you need at this time. Our staff is also available to assist you in any way we can. Whichever resource you choose, we applaud you for taking the necessary steps to strengthen, heal and safeguard your marriage. It will be worth it! >

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Diana Bartling Diana is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor with a master’s degree in counseling from Governors State University. She has over 20 years of experience in helping families find creative solutions to their problems. Diana is a member of the American Counseling Association, and the American Association of Christian Counselors. She is certified in Stress Management, Critical Incident Stress Management and Divorce Mediation/Conflict Resolution. 815-928-8573

Jorge Bonilla As a marriage coach, Jorge’s desire is to share what he has learned and bring couples from the brink of divorce to the center of fun. He teaches them skills for more effective communication and open expression of affection. He gives them biblical principles to deal with strong personalities and self-centeredness. Using strategies for goal setting, he helps couples get rid of limitations that are interfering with their relationship. He works with them to address the issues of ego, self-respect, forgiveness, empathy, assumptions and more, equiping them with the ability to see what can, and will, be different. 815-351-1476

Laura DeYoung Responding to life’s many unique situations, stresses and challenges can be difficult, even overwhelming, at times. Through helpful insight and awareness, Laura desires to assist others in gaining a renewed understanding of their current situation and, more importantly, develop strategies to effectively deal with current and future life circumstances. She places a high value on the worth of each individual and brings a sense of warmth and compassion to each counseling session. Laura is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor with over 14 years of experience. 815-768-6545

Family Bridges provides everyone in the community an opportunity to learn healthy relationship skills. As one of our participants so aptly said, when it comes to your relationship and your family “Give it all you got. Don’t ever give up.” Join us at one of our workshops, family conferences, retreats or other events and get to strengthening your relationship today! Our workshops and events are offered all throughout Chicagoland in both Spanish and English. For information, visit familybridgesusa.org or follow us on social media @familybridges

The Ravines Ministry is a retreat center for marriages in crisis, when life’s obstacles seem overwhelming. Through our gifted and trained counselors, we offer the life-changing power of Jesus Christ, giving guidance to couples in ways to strengthen their marriage through new methods of communication. For information, visit TheRavines.org or call 219-864-5063.

Jon Dodds People of all walks of life utilize Jon for their counseling and coaching needs. Jon cares deeply toward all people. His patient, yet honest feedback offers clients ample opportunity to experience personal growth. In recent years, Jon has added trauma work to his repertoire. He is a trained and certified EMDR therapist and is highly effective in working with people who have been traumatized. jondoddscounseling.com

Ben Kunz Ben Kunz’s clinical interests include relational problems in marriage and family, parent coaching, assistance with life transitions, low self-esteem, abuse recovery, addiction recovery, mood and anxiety disorders, and integration of faith and psychology. Engaging and compassionate, Dr. Kunz utilizes a holistic, practical and collaborative approach that is strength-based and integrates many theoretical orientations. He challenges and encourages his patients toward healthy balance in the psychological, physical, social and spiritual realms. www.legacyclinical.com; 815-214-9872; benk@legacyclinical.com

Marriage Matters Jackson (Michigan) offers workshops, overnight getaways and events for married couples. MMJ offers an upbeat and comfortable approach to marriage education. More information and a complete list of upcoming events can be found at MarriageMattersJackson.com or by calling 517-796-5116.

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