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friedNEWS
Litter alert
How many cats does it take for one to qualify as a crazy cat person? Two? Five? Maybe 10 or 12? Those numbers are small kibble compared to what one Midwest City woman was recently able to accumulate. According to a recent story by KOCO News 5, Central Oklahoma Humane Society is currently looking for new homes for 52 cats found living in a woman’s home. The woman did not want to be identified or speak on camera, but she did tell the local news station that she rescued all the animals because she cares deeply for them. “I just like cats,” she said in an off-camera quote. We here at Chicken-Fried News are not sure “like” is quite enough to cover 52 cats. Was she trying to collect enough cats to start a new feline paradise somewhere far removed from mankind? You know, we’ve thought about that in the past, too. But even Noah knew to stop at just two of every animal. The woman also told KOCO that she had no idea how many cats were living in her home. “I just like cats, and cats multiply a lot,” she said. “Quite fast.” Oh, so that’s what this is: a cat brothel. We’re not sure just how fast cats can procreate, but we will take the word of a woman who has lived with more cats than there are states in the U.S. as the authority on that subject. As of Feb. 14, 31 of the cats were receiving treatment in Central Oklahoma Humane Society custody. The rest are in Midwest City Animal Shelter, and some might be adopted. The woman in question does not face any criminal charges. And even if she were, it is unlikely she would have faced a punishment any worse than sharing a house with more than four dozen strays.
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Alcohol procrastination
Who else is excited for October? After two long years of waiting, low-point beer is finally going the way of the flip phone! Hurray! Why has it taken so long for the rule to go into to effect? It was passed with a two-year wait to allow the state’s dry counties to comply. Under the old law, restaurants in dry counties were allowed to sell low-point beer with food. Dry counties will have to approve liquor-by-the-drink sales by Oct. 1 to continue such practice. If they take no action during the June 26 election, as many as 14 Oklahoma counties could lose the right to sell alcohol with food. The new law has been a burden on the state’s Alcoholic Beverage Laws Enforcement (ABLE) Commission, which is encouraging counties to use the primary election because it will have high turnout due to the gubernatorial election, according to director Keith Burt. “There are people in dry counties that are used to having a beer with their pizza, and when 3.2 beer goes away, that won’t be possible,” Burt told The Journal Record. When contacted by The Journal Record, Harper and Alfalfa counties said they expect to have liquor-bythe-drink votes on June 26. So that leaves 12 counties that have had two
years to become compliant and are waiting until the last minute. Who knew that county administrators take the same approach to elections as an undergrad does to a research paper deadline?
Cracking jokes
We at Chicken-Fried News have decided it’s time. Every day, we comb through the headlines and learn of how drastic cuts to vital state services are having dire consequences. Case in point: implementing four-day school weeks, eliminating child abuse prevention programs, raising college tuition, limiting state troopers on their daily mileage, growing service wait times — by years — for the developmentally disabled, cutting mental health services, slashing provider rates for Medicaid — need we say more?