Advice from
Mama Goodmanners By Celia Rivenbark
In the spirit of April Fools’ — and to remedy the palpable desperation pulsing through a handful of letters from readers seeking authentic social guidance — we asked the ever tasteful Celia Rivenbark to channel advice from Mama Goodmanners, an imperious woman of a certain age (but not too old) who isn’t afraid to serve it raw, so to speak. We found her advice most helpful. Hope you will too.
Dear Mama Goodmanners, I have spent many years faithfully sending birthday gifts to my niece and nephew and they never bother to thank me in writing or in person. They are otherwise quite lovely people. How can I move past this and not be angry about this etiquette lapse? Signed, Aunt Fran-tic Dear Clueless AF: The kids will know what that means . . . Ahem. Anyway, your phrase “They are otherwise quite lovely people” is rather like Jeffrey Dahmer’s relatives referring to him as “a likable chap except for all the decapitations and whatnot.” Of course, I exaggerate for effect. I don’t honestly believe that your niece and nephew’s transgressions equate to a serial killer with a standing Kenmore full of body parts. No, no. But it is a close second in my estimation. Please save yourself further stress by donating the amount you would have given to these millennial brats to a respectable charity. This will assure you that you will not only get a thank-you in the mail, but you will also spend many, many hours opening subsequent mailings asking for more gifts and answering many telemarketing calls to ostensibly “thank you again for that generous gift.”
Mama G
78 O.Henry
April 2016
The Art & Soul of Greensboro