The Bubba Letters
A
certain unnamed presidential candidate whose brain resembles a busted watermelon recently told a bunch of millionaire supporters: “What this country really needs is a great corporate CEO — not a gentleman farmer-philosopher.” Well, those of us who proudly hail from good rural North Carolina farm stock naturally shook our heads at such a dumb-ass thing to say. We actually believe a philosophical gentleman farmer — like, say, the country bumpkin who wrote the Declaration of Independence — is EXACTLY what this country needs to put it back on the right rack. Not long ago, we heard about just such a fellow living out in beautiful Climax, North Carolina, a retired soybean farmer and rural renaissance man of letters named Junius T. Greene who goes by the friendly nickname of “Bubba.” As the following real letters to political hacks and various corporate big shots attest, Bubba Greene is a man who dearly loves his country and the rural Ilium he calls home. He is, among other things, a prodigious letter-writer and original thinker in the tradition of Thomas Payne, an endless watering hose of splendid ideas. As this political season grows more tedious by the hour, we asked Bubba if we might share a few of his clear-headed letters to selected corporate and political types. Being the gentleman farmer he is, Bubba not only gave us permission to do so but also a nice big basket of poke salat.
JUNIUS GREENE
Mr. Tim Cook, Chief Ex ecutive Officer Apple Inc. One Infinite Loop Cupertino, CA 95014
Dear Mr. Cook, My name is Junius Gr eene, a retired soybean farmer who now lives Inez and her husband Do with my baby sister yle, who is a part owne r of our local farm supp famous in these parts fo ly store and sort of r being a real “chicken whisperer,” widely know being able to calm agita n for his talent of ted hens on laying day. (Doyle claims his gift one bit, I guess becaus do es n’t work on Inez e she’s naturally high str ung. Ha! Ha! But that’ if you know what I mea s a whole other story, n.) Anyway, I just though t you’d like to know th at I am one happy user tastic MacBook Pro lap of your fan-dangtop computer. You mig ht even say that I’ve be fool on this thing. come a letter writing Please permit me to ex plain. Late last year wh en I retired and was pa to my hometown of Cl cking up to move imax, my buddies in th e Lost Creek Fish and and bought me an Appl Hu nt Club chipped in e MacBook Pro laptop computer as a going aw that once I got used to ay gift. They swore writing on this thing I’d be hooked on staying in Between you and me, touch with them. Mr. Cook, I had my do ub ts about this. In fact I th their money on someth ought they’d wasted ing I would simply neve r use. (I’d much rather Branson, Missouri, or have had a trip to even Dollywood.) But, brother, were they ever right! Since I figu red out how easy it is wr emails and such on this ite letters and laptop of yours, why, I’v e been writing everybod of people I don’t. In a y I know and lots nutshell, sir, this wond erful machine has chan Since December I’ve se ge d m y entire life. nt personal letters and emails to everyone fro state to the president of m the governor of this a major candy company . I’m thinking of even minister of England ne writing to the prime xt – just to prove I can! Anyway, to cut to the chase, I just read in the Time Magazine that yo $46 billion in just thre u made a record e months of selling yo ur wo nderful Apple computer amazing but doesn’t su s, which is truly rprise me one bit. My point is, if you’d ever computer in our farm su lik e to sell your pply store (where I no w run the checkout co pleased to personally sp un ter part time) I’d be eak about the possibili ty to my brother-in-law imaginative thinker. La Doyle. He’s a pretty st year he put in an auto matic cappuccino mac have about plumb worn hi ne that customers out. Anyway, please think about it and thank you for your time. Your friend and bigges t fan,
Junius “Bubba” Greene P.O. Box 159 Climax, NC 27233-91 53
62 O.Henry
April/May 2012
The Art & Soul of Greensboro