Page 10
OBSERVER
Fireside Chat
WEEKLY
May 21, 2014
If you heard someone say ‘That’s so gay’ what would you do? what really matters. It certainly was a learning opportunity for me.
By Wendell Hicks Executive Director SAAF
In the past, I might have made different choices. There is a time when I would have erred on the side of my doubt, maybe I had misheard. After all, I had been shipping items from that store for years and felt like I was coming to see friends. Not wishing to make a scene, I might have acted like nothing had happened. I might even have picked a card and bought it. And I would have further fed that secret shame and hidden stigma that there is something wrong with being gay.
Living here in Tucson, I’ve let my guard down a lot. I no longer live in that constant undercurrent of weariness, fearing to hear slurs like I did when I lived in East Texas. But I bet, even here in our community, you’ve heard it… “faggot” or “queer” in that tone of voice that stings or even worse, makes your gut clench and sets off ghostly warning bells. Earlier this month, I went to this place where I’ve been shipping packages back home to my family since I moved to Tucson, coming up on seven years. The mother and son who run the place know me by sight and by name. I had become more than a customer, something of a friend. So I stopped in to ship my mama her Mother’s Day gift. The son was standing behind the counter with a man I’d never seen before. There was a young woman across the counter. I heard them talking but ignored their conversation as I was looking for a card to send for my nephew’s birthday too. Then I heard “that’s so gay.” I stopped turning the rack, all thoughts of the birthday card gone. Even though I had not been following their conversation, my antenna for any hostile remark about sexual orientation was still on high alert. It brought back old feelings. And fears. Even here in Tucson a slur could still trigger the feeling of danger. I’m sure Nick, who lived in Tyler, Texas where I lived, heard “faggot” or “queer” and much worse before he was taken to an empty oil field. I’ve never forgotten that he was told to strip by his assailants and shot in the back of the head multiple times. Back then we didn’t call them hate crimes. The internal debate began… starting with doubt. Did I really hear what I thought I heard? I glanced over to the counter, my face flushing. The son and young woman were clearly embarrassed. She said “Quiet daddy,
Or I might have just walked out and never come back, an unspoken and half-hearted gesture that what was said was not OK. But you know how that goes. Have you ever walked away from a situation where you wanted to speak up, where you know you should have spoken up — and didn’t? Then afterwards spent time beating yourself up or thinking up clever things that you should have said?
you’re so bad.” Yup. I heard it right. It was the old man who said it. Once I allowed myself to believe that I heard correctly, I vacillated between just walking out or saying something. In the meantime, the son gave his dad the “stink eye” and the father scooted to the back of the store and out of sight. At the Southern Arizona AIDS Foundation, we have a group of young adults who provide LGBTQ 101 trainings in high schools to students and teachers, to mental health and social service providers and even to SAAF’s staff. They teach young people to speak up when their peers use slurs like “that’s so gay.” One of the thoughts that crossed my mind is “What would Jai or T or Angel do?” They would speak up of course. I turned to the counter and the son asked me “So, how are you doing?” I
told him “If I heard what I think I heard…” He affirmed “You did. That was my dad.” I told the son, what his father said was offensive. “Your dad is not 12 years old.” Then I left, my heart pounding. I was shaken, so I called my partner Kevin. His support soothed me and helped me get my bearings. When I hung up, I noticed that there was a message. Right after I had left, the son called his mother who had been working at another store and told her what happened. She apologized to me, instead of apologizing for her husband which is an important point. She did not make excuses for him. She said “He thinks he is funny, and he’s not. What he said was offensive. I’m very very sorry.” This may have been a learning situation for that family, but that isn’t
Where I came from, slurs about your sexual orientation could sting, could cause you to be ostracized by your entire community, could lead to a helluva beating or even death. Standing up for myself after years of reacting from fear was something new. I learned it from a younger generation. The son and daughter were clearly embarrassed and knew that what their father had said was offensive. They weren’t direct, but made him aware of it as best they could in a parent and child dynamic. I wanted to walk out, but then the question came in my mind: “What would Jai or T or Angel do?” What would you do if someone in your hearing said “That’s so gay?” It depends on the people involved, where you are at physically and internally. Trust your gut. There is no shame for walking away from a situation that could turn ugly or dangerous. But if it does feel right, speak up. By doing so, you may feel more empowered as you move on your path in life and you may also make the path easier for those who follow.
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT Narconon would like to remind families that the use of addicting drugs is on the rise, take steps to protect your family from drug use. If you know anyone who is struggling with drug addiction get them the help they need. Call for a free brochure on the signs of addiction for all drugs. Narconon also offers free screenings and referrals. 800-431-1754 or DrugAbuseSolution.com
This beautiful seven year old Calico loves to lounge on our geriatric patio. While Yoshi isn’t elder, herself, she vastly prefers the quiet, to the hustle and bustle of the “house” here at the Shelter. She loves company, however, and adores treats and bum scratches. If you pop in to see her, be a little patient, as she’s a little shy at first—but warms up very quickly.
Yoshi