Operation Three-Legged Dolphin, Issue #4 by Operation Three-Legged Dolphin

Operation Three-Legged Dolphin Issue #4, FALL/WINTER 2010

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Some content and names from the print issue have been removed or modified from this digital issue at the request of the original author(s). Artwork, Indicia and Content (C) 2010 Operation Three-Legged Dolphin. Operation Three-Legged Dolphin created by Michael Young.

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Disclaime

Operation Three-Legged Dolphin is a student-funded non-profit organization dedicated to providing written entertainment to the College of Staten Island campus community and beyond. We freely distribute our magazine in the hopes that you will enjoy and share it with others, but will do so with respect to our Terms of Use for Digital Distribution: Digital issues of Operation Three-Legged Dolphin are distributed via Issuu.com and are available to the public, free of charge. They can only be shared and redistributed AS IS, without modification. If you want to directly link to any of the PDFs or the blog, or if you want to feature our magazine on your own blog or website, please let us know at our e-mail address: O3LD@live.com.

CONTENT DISCLAIMER:

Operation Three-Legged Dolphin is published by the students of the College of Staten Island. All works contained within this publication are the property of the creators and are protected by copyright law. No materials within this publication may be reprinted in whole or in part, in any form, without the permission of the editors. All content (articles, comic strips, etc.) published in this magazine are works of fiction. Any references to actual events or people are only for satirical purposes. Some works may contain direct or indirect references to certain registered trademarks and are only done so under terms of Fair Use. Opinions expressed herein are those of the writers, and are not necessarily shared by the Operation Three-Legged Dolphin staff or the College of Staten Island. Operation Three-Legged Dolphin is not a publication of the College of Staten Island or The City University of New York. The College of Staten Island and The City University of New York are not responsible for the contents of Operation Three-Legged Dolphin. Operation Three-Legged Dolphin is meant to appeal to a mature audience, and may contain material that parents may not find suitable for younger readers.

Operation Three-Legged Dolphin is a community effort, kept alive by the very creative and very talented individuals of CSI’s student body. We thank our staff for making the magazine what it is today through their hard work and dedication.

OPERATION THREE-LEGGED DOLPHIN STAFF as of ISSUE #4

Edward Peppe

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

ASSISTANT EDITOR

SECRETARY Andrew Oppenheimer FACULTY ADVISOR CONTRIBUTORS

MATT YOUNG ANDREW OPPENHEIMER DAVID DiLILLO JUDE REID ELIZABETH CHE

MICHAEL YOUNG ANTHONY LoGATTO MIKE BEYER NICK GONZALEZ KANIKA KHANNA

OPERATION THREE-LEGGED DOLPHIN created by

Operation Three-Legged Dolphin 2800 Victory Boulevard Staten Island, New York 10314 Building 1C, Room 230

Matt Young Catherine Lavender DAN FELDMAN EDWARD PEPPE ZACHARY SNYDER ALICIA REBELO MATT YOUNG’S SOCK

Michael Young

CONTACT THE MAGAZINE:

O3LD@live.com

michaelyoung21@gmail.com edward.peppe@cix.csi.cuny.edu

Illustration by Matt Young

Table of Contents

FALL/WINTER 2010

Introducing: THE WAFFLE! by DAN FELDMAN pg. 4 FEATURED ARTICLE FOR THIS ISSUE:

the humor magazine by DAVE DiLILLO, Illustrated by MIKE YOUNG pg. 5 Just how did Operation Three-Legged Dolphin get to where it is today? What started out as an idea for a club publication by two ambitious college students, now turned into something so controversial and complex that it was only a matter of time until someone had to make a movie write a short comic about it.

SOUTHERN SQUIRREL & DANDELION STEW by ANDREW OPPENHEIMER pg. 16 STUDENT SHOVES CAMERA PHONE UP HIS ASS by MATT YOUNG pg. 17 Do you hate Biology class? So does Dick Doodles. When you find out just how far this student went to

complete a class project, you may just realize how well you had it back when you cringed over dissecting a frog.

THE WORLD ACCORDING TO KATIE ANDERSON by ED PEPPE pg. 18, 26, 31, See the world from the perspective of a tomboyish social outcast as one girl, cursed with impulse but has a 36, 40, 42

pull-no-punches attitude to compensate, takes on a hectic college life, an awkward family, a creepy secret admirer and varying unpredictable circumstances in a way that only she knows how.

EVERYBODY’S FREE TO WATCH ANIME by ANTHONY “A-Log” LoGATTO

pg. 19

CSI ADVENTURES Episode 2: TALE OF THE OVERTALLY by ZACHARY SNYDER

pg. 22

Calling all geeks, freaks, nerds and dweebs everywhere! Want an outlet for your “nerdly” habits? Then watching anime is your solution! (Just know what you’re getting into before you actually try it, though...)

Our fellow students just can’t seem to catch a break! Our hero, the Average Joe ENS student needs to once again venture through this treacherous campus to register for his class, but this time, it’s up to you to help him! Complete the maze, or he may never get to his class in time!

Introducing: THE STEALTH PARKING SYSTEM! by MIKE BEYER pg. 27 JERSEY SHORE: Behind the Tan by NICK GONZALEZ pg. 28

MTV’s smash hit show “Jersey Shore” gave all of us Staten Islanders something else to be ashamed of. To find out what it’s really all about, one O3LD reporter went into the suntanned jungle to get interviews from the “stars” themselves, with surprising results!

STUPID INVENTOR Mini-Comic by ZACHARY SNYDER pg. 32

While most scientists desperately look for the secret to time-travel, our friendly neighborhood inventor and his assistant find the secret to traveling back in “comic” time in this unique cut-and-fold fun size story, exclusive to Operation Three-Legged Dolphin! Read more comics at www.StupidInventor.com

How to Make Your Own O3LD Sock Puppet! by ANDREW OPPENHEIMER, Inspired by ALICIA REBELO

pg. 35

CONCESSIONS AND COMPROMISES by DAVE DiLILLO pg. 37

Fresh from the presses and on its way to Oprah’s Book Club list, it’s the one self-help book that will be sure to deliver the much needed kick to your pants, your hopes and your dreams!

ONE DUCK, TWO DUCK, RED DUCK, BLUE DUCK by KANIKA KHANNA pg. 38

Have you ever seen a Dr. Seuss piece turn political? Neither have we. That’s why Operation Three-Legged Dolphin is proud to present a Dr. Seuss parody that shines a much-needed spotlight on partisan politics.

THE PLATYPUS MK II! by JUDE REID pg. 41 FROM THE O3LD WHITEBOARD by ED PEPPE, Photographed by ALICIA REBELO

As this semester’s issue comes to a close, we’d like to show you in a single page just what it took to bring O3LD4 to life. It took planning, courage, initiative, and lots of Chinese take-out!

pg. 44

Are you hungry? Do you wish you could

eat pancake-esque food without getting syrup everywhere? Introducing:

THE WAFFLE!

THE WAFFLE is dynamically designed with boxy crevices to perfectly hold your syrup! Less mess, more taste! Buy within the next three seconds, and you will get a saloon-full of Aunt Yosemiteâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Special Syrup (infused with real molasses, mutton and motor oil). Absolutely half off! Only $15.89 plus shipping and handling.

Call now! 1-555-IHOW By Dan Feldman, Illustrations by Michael Young

the humor magazine

In these hard economic times, itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s become difficult to find money even for basic grocery shopping. Costly ingredients like meat, vegetables, and spices can add up quickly, and seldom taste as lovely as freshly picked ingredients. This delicious stew recipe however costs next to nothing, and only requires a little thinking outside the box. It can feed a family of five with plenty of leftovers for the week too!

Southern Squirrel & Dandelion Stew

Ingredients: -

WRITTEN BY

Andrew Oppenheimer / ILLUSTRATION BY Edward Peppe

2 Squirrels (tire markings optional) 20 Dandelions 1 Gallon of Water 1/4 lb. Maple Bark Scrapings 2 cups of Small Stones (1) 4 inch. Human Hair Clipping 6 cups of Finely Ground Acorns 4 eggs (10 eggs if from a small bird)

Preparation Instructions: -

Remove all hair and road debris from squirrels. Make sure to squeeze any undesirable by-products from gallbladder, colon, and bladder. Put the squeezings in a bowl.

Blanch squirrels in a large pot with acorn powder. Submerge squirrels in water and bring to an angry simmer for 20 minutes.

Gracelessly throw in all dandelions and bark scrapings.

Stir every five minutes for 20 minutes, then lower the heat to next to nothing.

Pour in remaining acorn powder as thickener.

Crack all eggs into the stew and stir them until unrecognizable.

Pour stones and hair clipping into the stew carefully. Stir until you think the stones are hot. Caution! Boiling liquids can lead to injury if used improperly.

Serve and enjoy.

Hope your family likes this meal as much as the person that told me about it does. The stones aid digestion, and sometimes add additional flavors depending on the mineral deposit they were located in. Be careful when selecting stones not to take dirt-lumps, which sometimes look like stones.

-Leroy-William Garth Jameson

STUDENT SHOVES CAMERA PHONE UP HIS ASS

Student ShoveS Camera Phone uP hiS aSS PhotoS `Liked` on FaCebook

Matt Young

ick Doodles researched the excretory system for his Biology 170 project. But when the CSI Library failed to provide any helpful materials, he took matters into his own hands. “I put a camera phone up my ass to take pictures and it just got stuck up there,” said Doodles. As it passed through, the phone took camera shots that were mobile uploaded to Facebook. The photos instantly drew attention from Doodles’ peers, with about 1500 “likes” and 1400 comments saying, “I like this,” most of which were typed out as “I lik dis.” Doodles also stated that he got a strange vibrating sensation in his butt whenever he got a text message from someone. The camera phone has since slid out in what can be described as a memorable bathroom incident and now safely resides inside Dick Doodles’ back pocket. Doodles also presented his experiment at the Undergraduate Research Conference, where it was titled, “The Time I Stuck a Cell Phone up My Ass and Called It a Project.” The poster won the Tomás D. Morales award for Academic Excellence.

EVERYBODY’S FREE TO WATCH ANIME

EvErybody`s FrEE To WaTch animE by

Anthony LoGatto /

illusTraTions by

adies and Gentlemen, of the Otaku class of 2010 I have only one piece of advice for you... Watch anime! If I can offer you anything to watch as a geek, Anime would be it. A lot of anime you watch has been seen by millions Hence that my advice would be for the most part For an experienced lover of the animated arts. I will dispense this advice...for all of the newbies... Now. Enjoy the complexity of your dub Oh, nevermind, you would still think that anime is better When it’s in its original subtitled format. But trust me, in twenty years, you’ll see how a dub Can make the anime-watching experience Easier for those who have trouble reading... Let alone, watching both, like most normal people. You are not racist for watching a dub. Don’t worry of what the haters say. Or worry, but know that worrying Is about as effective as trying to watch Neon Genesis Evangelion in one sitting. The real troubles of an anime fan would Have to be which titles you can watch And which ones you don’t want to be Caught dead with the next day. The kind that you think has some hot girls But turns out to be loli. Always be careful of chibis that are short. Sometimes they are cute; sometimes they are annoying. They are short, but they’re on the hunt for smoked cheese.

Elizabeth Che

EVERYBODY’S FREE TO WATCH ANIME

Remember praise for your favorite anime Forget the insults from the haters. If you succeed in doing this Without having a troll infection... Tell me how. Keep your old manga, Throw away cheap knock-offs from Korea.

Baka... Don’t be guilty of what anime you’ll watch in life. The most interesting otaku I knew didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to watch. Some of the sadder 40-year-olds I know still don’t. Eat plenty of Pocky. Be kind to your knees. You’ll need them for bowing. Maybe you’ll marry; maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll have kids; but probably won’t. Maybe you’ll watch Lupin III at the age of thirty. Maybe you’ll dance while wearing nothing while waving a fan During a Cherry Blossom festival. Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much Or compare yourself to characters like Konata or Goku. Your choices are half-chance, but in the end You’ll get tired of the Yaoi fangirls. Enjoy your body. Most ladies are killing themselves By trying to replicate the bustiness of women like Faye Valentine or Rangiku Mastumoto.

Kawaii. There are plenty of these around in most anime. Read the directions, even if you don’t follow Do not piss off Lina Linverse She will blast you with a Dragon Slave. Get to know your manga-ka.

EVERYBODY’S FREE TO WATCH ANIME

You’ll never know when the ink may run out. Get to know your seiyuus. They are the best link to your entertainment As well as the American voices that do the dub. Understand the logistics of the Saiyans. They are the ones who know how to pull off The Kame-hame-ha. But God help you if they go Super Saiyan while Taking a crap. Voice act in New York City once But leave before you’re hired by 4Kids. Voice act in Texas once, but be concerned over the lack of black voice-actors in the talent pool.

Moe. Accept certain inalienable truths: Naruto’s a ninja Haruhi’s a god And you too will grow old. And when you do, you’ll fantasize that when you were younger... Ninjas wore black Students were anything but normal And people respected Veronica Taylor. Respect her and many others in the American scene. Don’t expect your viewing habits to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you live with your mother. But you’ll never know if either of them will run out.

Be careful of what anime you watch. Some anime might be good, sometimes a nice short OVA. Or a bad one, which makes you wish you were watching a hentai, Even though the hentai is about as fake as the breasts on a WWE Diva. But either way, you’re still having a good time.

But trust me on the anime.

Now if you’ll excuse me, the con is closed.

CSI ADVENTURES Episode 2

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Students, are you tired of receiving parking tickets just because your parking sticker is three minutes out of date? Parking on a college campus is stressful enough as it is.

Free yourself from the shackles of the Parking Lot Gestapo with the brand new Stealth Parking System! - Renders your vehicle invisible to parking patrollers and meter maids with a state-of-the-art invisibility cloak! - Uses patented light refraction technology to hide your car from anything, even laser rangefinders! - Stealth cloak comes equipped with a walkie-talkie and clipboard sensors that activate whenever approached by a patroller! - Adhesive invisibility cloak does not require bulky angled stealth armor or radar absorbing paint!

Order YOUR Stealth Parking System for only

15,000 easy payments of $19.95! Call toll-free: 5-555-STEALTH But wait! Simply mention Operation Three-Legged Dolphin and weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll also include our revolutionary point defense laser weapon system! Now your car can not only avoid receiving tickets from meter maids but also eliminate them entirely!

JERSEY SHORE: BEHIND THE TAN

Jersey shore: Behind the tan By

Nick Gonzalez / illustrated By Mike Young

ver the course of the past year, the eight cast members of MTV’s “Jersey Shore” have tanned, fistpumped and smushed their ways into our hearts and living rooms. I know I am not alone in wondering just what the hell this classy bunch does with their free time. Ever curious, we here at O3LD were lucky enough to get exclusive interviews with several cast members, in an effort to find out just that.

Ima Ninterviewer: So, Mr. Sorrentino… Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino: Call me “Situation”. Ninterviewer: Okay. Mr. Situation, you’ve risen to instant stardom thanks to exposure you’ve received from “Jersey Shore”, as well as sales from your workout DVD, clothing line, colognes, soaps, bath salts, baseball caps, trading cards, mops, toaster-ovens and various other household appliances. Your fans are just dying to know, what exactly is it that Mr. Situation does with his spare time? Situation: Yeah, bro, I try to keep busy. I’ll let you in on a little secret that most people might not know about The Situation.

JERSEY SHORE: BEHIND THE TAN

Ninterviewer: And what would that be?

about being rich and muscular?

Situation: If you will refer to Exhibit A (lifts shirt and gestures at abs), you will notice my situation. As you might guess, it’s not easy to get yourself abs like these. I do 10,000 crunches a day and workout at least 8 days a week.

Situation: Hey, I’m no hero. Someone’s gotta keep it fresh to death, dawg, and I’m just The Situation to do it (winks and lifts shirt once more for good measure).

Ninterviewer: But, that’s not possi…. Situation: WHOA! Bro, you never interrupt The Situation before he’s finished. Ninterviewer: My fault. Sorry, you were saying? Situation: Right. So you can imagine the kind of pressure it takes to be The Situation. Girls constantly takin’ their tops off when they see me, all the free meals and tans…..it’s hard to be me. Ninterviewer: Sure, sure…..

Ninterviewer: Okay, Snooki, how about you? What is something you’re willing to share about Situation: So, to feel better about myself, I take your life that the cameras haven’t already reone month every year to get “unsituated”. vealed? Ninterviewer: Come again?

Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi: Well, everyone knows that my favorite thing to eat in the whole wide world is pickles. What you probably don’t know is that there are at least 999 ways to cook a pickle….and I’ve detailed them all in my new book!

Situation: Yeah bro!!! Every year from October to November, I eat as much spaghetti and meatballs as my mom can cook. I try not to slip in crunches, but in moments of weakness, I’m known to pump out a few hundred, give or take. It feels good knowing I can give some- Ninterviewer: (reading cover) Pickles And thing back to all the less fortunate people who Poufs: The Diary of Snooki. Wait, I’m confused. want to be me. Is it a tell-all book or a book of recipes? Ninterviewer: So what you are basically telling me is you take one month out of the year to sit on your ass and let yourself go to feel better

JERSEY SHORE: BEHIND THE TAN

Snooki: Both! Chasin’ big, tan, muscle-bound walks on the beach, a good Nicholas Sparks guidos all day makes me hungry. In fact, wait a novel, and reading and interpreting poetry, minute….(looks through purse) Here it is. Try especially Shakespeare’s sonnets!!! one!!! Ronnie: (grunts) Ninterviewer: Is that…is that a chocolate covered pickle? Ronnie’s translator: Wait, what was that last part? Snickers: Mhm. My favorite!!! Ronnie: (grunts) Ninterviewer: (Aside) I don’t get paid nearly enough to do this…. Ronnie’s translator: Ah, heard that wrong, sorry. And big-pimpin’ with the ladies!!! Shnookz: You wanna smush? Ronnie would also like to point out that the terms juice-head and gorilla are offensive and Ninterviewer: …. hurtful. He hopes to one day live in a world where guidos and other, not as attractive people can co-exist in harmony. Ninterviewer: Duly noted. Well, that’s all the time we have today with the cast of Jersey Shore!!!

Ninterviewer: Sigh… Hello, Ronnie. Is there anything enlightening you’d care to share with avid readers and fans alike? What are some of your favorite things to do? Ronnie: (grunts) Ronnie’s translator: Ronnie says he enjoys long

While Angelina Pivarnick, Staten Island’s selfproclaimed “Kim Kardashian”, was unable to attend the interview, we contacted her management to find out what we could. While we received little to no substantial information concerning Angelina’s life post-Jersey Shore, we may or may not have been paid handsomely to say nice things about Ms. Pivarnick and promote her upcoming single, “I’m Hot.” Buy it today at your local music retailer!!!* *The opinions expressed above do not, in any way, shape or form, reflect those of the O3LD staff. We highly suggest you do NOT purchase this single. We also highly encourage you to keep reading this magazine.** **Shameless plugging ftw

Presents

C I M O C I N I M

DER By ZACHARY SNY VENTOR.com www.STUPIDIN

Cut, fold and staple to enjoy this fun-sized adventure! 1. Cut the page out of the magazine.

2. With the front of the page facing you, fold the page in half horizontally.

4. Cut through the fold in the paper to seperate the pages and create a booklet.

5. Close, re-open, and enjoy!

3. Staple the middle of the folded page twice vertically and close to create a â&#x20AC;&#x153;spineâ&#x20AC;?.

Artwork for this page by Edward Peppe, comic by Zachary Snyder

It's so easy, even H E can do it!

Are you lonely? Have all your friends abandoned you to move to France? Never feel alone again with your very own Three-Legged Dolphin!

How to Make Your Own O3LD Sock Puppet! AUTHOR:

Andrew Oppenheimer |

Alicia Rebelo | LIVE MODEL: Matt Young’s Sock* YADA YADA YADA: Google Images PHOTOGRAPHER:

step 1: Buy a pair of grey socks. step 2: Throw one away. step 3: Put the remaining sock on your hand. step 4: Sew buttons or googly-eyes into the sock for eyes. Don’t ask how. step 5: Remove sock from hand, realizing that you’ve stabbed yourself with the needle. step 6: Bandage hand. step 7: Return sock to hand, proceed to talk to it.

After a few short minutes, your dolphin will look something like this! Note: Finished product may not resemble picture, dolphin, or anything for that matter. Results may vary.

* All live O3LD models are above eighteen (18) years of age.

From the publishers of Way of the Complacent Warrior, comes the all-NEW self-help book that teaches you to PICK and CHOOSE your pleasures! Article and Illustration by Dave DiLillo

Can you have your cake and eat it, too?

NO!!! People hate overachievers!

Available at select Barnes & Noble locations everywhere Christmas 2011

One duck two duck red duck blue duck. Game duck tame duck aim duck lame duck. Some are red and some are blue. Some are lucky and some are screwed. Some sound meeker and some sound bleaker. At least one is a plain old trouble seeker. Why are they meeker and bleaker and a trouble seeker? I don’t know. Go ask the Speaker. Some ducks will stay and some will go. The one’s that go are fucked, they know. From House to Senate, from Senate to House, filibusters everywhere. Here are some who like to fight. They fight out of spite with fright and might. Oh me! Oh my! Oh me! Oh my! What a lack of legislation passes by. Some bills about taxes and some about DREAMs Some bills about Medicare and some about spending means. Will they proceed? I can’t say. But neither side wishes to take the President’s lead. We see him speak Some call him weak The ducks can’t fathom The Head of State’s technique.

Illustrations by Dave Di Lillo

SLAUGHTER BROS. PICTURES PRESEnTS In ASSOCIATIOn wITH BISnEY STUDIOS An O3LD InDEPEnDEnT FILMS PRODUCTIOn “THE HUMOR MAGAZInE” DAVE DI LILLO DAn FELDMAn ED PEPPE AnD MIKE YOUnG AS “MIKE ZUCKERYOUnG” MUSIC BY DAnnY ELFMAn wRITTEn BY DAVE DI LILLO SPECIAL EFFECTS SUPERVISOR MICHAEL BAY DIRECTED BY ROn HOwARD CREATIVE COnSULTAnTS MIKE YOUnG DAn FELDMAn RESTRICTED UNDER 17 REQUIRES ACCOMPANYING PARENT OR ADULT GUARDIAN

Contains partial nudity, drug use, coarse language and a violent computer-throwing scene, all involving minors.

A Time Slaughter Company

TheHumorMagazine-Movie.com O3LDIndependentFilms.com Facebook.com/TheHumorMag

the humor magazine (C) 2010 O3LD Independent Films, a subsidiary of Slaughter Bros. Pictures. Distributed by Slaughter Bros. Pictures, a Time Slaughter Company in association with The Bisney Company. All rights reserved.

INDEPENDENT

FILMS

FROM THE O3LD WHITEBOARD

From the by

Whiteboard

Ed Peppe / photographed by Alicia Rebelo

t takes all kinds to make up the unique bunch that is the Operation Three-Legged Dolphin staff, so it’s no surprise that the different members have different priorities, views and ideas for the magazine.

This photograph was taken at one of the meetings during the production of this issue. These individual pie charts show just what went through the staff members’ minds when they envisioned the magazine. The original formula for the content ratio of each issue was as follows: 50% articles, 13% comic strips, 12% picking on the Third Rail and 25% “other”. Whatever that “other” is, only former Editor-in-Chief Mike Young knows. Speaking of Mike, his idea for the magazine deviated a smidge by issue 3. A statistic taken

by an undisclosed source shows that issue 3 was meant to be 95% “penis”. The truth, reasoning and logic behind that statistic are best left unquestioned. When the current Editorin-Chief of Serpentine Magazine, Alicia Rebelo, came on board for this issue, all she could think of was “sock puppet,” much to the dismay of Assistant Editor Matt Young and his... socks. Due to an unforgettably hilarious accident by Matt Young, the same source shows that the only thing going through his mind was ordering enough Chinese food to feed 23 people for one of the meetings. Eight people showed up, and epic lulz ensued; thus causing the Great Chinese Food Calamity of 2010. A lot of things happened during the past two years. What will happen next with our humble little magazine remains to be seen, but until then, we can only hope you enjoy what we all have accomplished so far and what we will have planned soon. See you in 2011!

Illustration by Mike Young