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Alone, he stepped onto the Williamsburg Bridge. The wind found him alone and grinned the grin of someone who has spotted an opportunity. It tore into his hair and whipped it into his eyes. It dug its fingers into his jacket, refusing to let go. It did it’s best to drive him forward, towards the railing, that one spot. Jacob tried his best to not mind it, he walked on, course correcting after every blast. He ignored the wailing, ignored the whinig. Ignored the thoughts it brought up. Remember the last time we met? Not here, back in San Antonio. Remember how you cried back then? Wasn’t my fault, all yours. Remember how they looked when the pain struck them? You did that. And then alone, just like now. Because nobody sticks around someone so horrible, so toxic, so bloody demanding as you. “Shut up,” Jacob murmured, but neither his brain nor the wind really cared. The carousel went on and on until he was too dizzy to walk and fell against the railing, sliding down to the concrete, feeling like he’d have to scream to let out all those voices in his skull. He was burning up alive, spinning to fast to see. The ground seesawed beneath him and Jacob felt like he’d fall off the world any second now. Rescue came from a soft small hand on his shoulder. For just a heartbeat, Jacob allowed himself to stay down. To lean curled up against the railing of Williamsburge Bridge with a hand on his shoulder keeping him from falling out of this world. Then the voice dug its was through to him and he turned and looked. “Jacob?” Ellen. The gratitude came first, a wave of it crashing into him, pressing him to the coral floor, slicing him up. Then came the question. “What are you doing here?” God how weak his voice was. He cleared his throat and got up, somehow standing as the world slowed down around her. “Everything okay? How’re you doing?” Better. He spoke as if it wasn’t him falling apart. As if it wasn’t he who couldn’t keep his head and his heart. Ellen scoffed and scanned him for any outward signs that anything was wrong. Like usual, there were none. Madness didn’t leave any scars. “How I’m doing? You’re the one in the gutter, J. The fuck happened?!” She took his hand and started walking, pulling him along. Jacob was just fucking glad he didn’t have to cross the bridge, walk past that spot, alone. That he couldn’t stop. He was also glad for her hand that held his. It was strong and trembled only slightly from withdrawl. She was the strong one tonight. And for a moment, Jacob allowed himself to entertain that idea. Having her take care for him. Not being alone in his apartment tonight. Not asking himself that question again, generally leaving the bedroom locked. It was a nice thought. He waved as it passed. “Nothing. I’m okay.” He didn’t get much further. Ellen whirled around and before he could even blinked, the ghost of her hand burned on his cheek. Her eyes glared holes into his soul and Jacob smiled as he remembered. It hurt to smile. Didn’t make him stop though. He looked up as they walked. There was nothing above them, only the sky, and somewhere behind those drapes of grey beasts prowling across the sky, there were stars. Only the sky to witness his heart. Only the sky and Ellen. “Nothing happened though. We talked and somehow, it was super weird. I was glad when I got out of there. Isn’t that weird? I like her, she did amazing things for me, but ever second was agony.” Ellen shrugged and her steps slowed down until she fell into a calmer rhythm beside him. “Maybe it just wasn’t your night. Happens. Try meeting her on neutral ground next time so you can both leave whenever you want to.” Jacob nodded. Not his night. That made sense. Tonight hadn’t been his night. He wondered who’s it had been. Who the lucky guy was for whom every single thing had gone right tonight. He hoped it had been a meaningful night. He hoped that guy had asked for a promotion, asked a girl to marry him or bought a lottery ticket. When would his night be? Would he be alive long enough to experience it? Did everyone have their night in their lives? Or did some people never survive to that date? A kid with cancer, was their night rescheduled at the diagnose? It took a soft nudge from Ellen’s elbow and a squeeze from her hand to bring him out of his skull. She looked at him with concern. He noticed the dark shadows beneath her eyes. She didn’t sleep well. Of course she didn’t. Her body was revolting her minds decision to keep it alive. He wondered where she took the compassion from to care for him as well as for her. He was astonished at the size of her heart. He knew so many people that didn’t have one, and hers was so big. “Are you okay though?” Her voice was so quiet now. The words fell from her lips and hit his shoes. He looked down at their crooked little bodies and their soft fur of worry, their big eyes looking up at him, just like hers. You couldn’t lie to a big heart, not when it had enveloped you.