The Wild Wild West

“An old woman walked up and tied her old mule to the hitching post. As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. He looked at the woman and laughed, “Hey old woman, have you ever danced?” The woman looked up at the gunslinger and said, “No ... I never did dance ... Never really wanted to”

A crowd has gathered as the young gunslinger grinned and said, “Well you old bag, you’re gonna dance now!”, and started shooting at the old woman’s feet. The old woman prospector - not wanting to have her toes blown off- started hopping around. Many were laughing.

When his last bullet was fired, the gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double-barrelled shotgun and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air, and the crowd immediately stopped laughing.

The gunslinger heard the sounds too, and turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched tensely as he stared at the woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in her hands as she quietly said, “Son, have you ever kissed a mule’s ass?”

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, “No m’am, but I’ve always wanted too”

THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:

1. Beware whiskey makes you think you’re invincible.

2 Don’t waste ammunition.

3 Don’t mess with old people; they didn’t get old by being weak”

4 Never underestimate a woman.

5 One day you may have to Kiss some azz.

The Blue Suit

A man who’d just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit... The female blonde mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man looks good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue and that she wants him in a blue suit.

She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, ‘I don’t care what it costs, but have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.’

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, ‘Whatever this cost, I’m very satisfied... You did an excellent job and I’m very grateful. How much did you spend?’

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check. ‘There’s no charge,’ she says. ‘No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!’ she says.

‘Honestly,’ the blonde says, ‘it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.’

‘So I just switched the heads.’

Death

The pretty blonde refused to go zip lining. She said this is too dangerous and would be a horrible death. She stated I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.