THE DUB
How to Beat the Recession CONOk, I know. No one wants to hear it anymore. But unfortunately, just like exams and STI’s, not talking about the recession won’t make it go away. It just makes things worse. And itchier. You know things are bad when Tesco starts slashing its prices. Their touchy-feely ‘Every little helps’ slogan, accompanied with gentle references to the credit crunch may seem harmless enough, but really what they’re saying is ‘The world is fucked, we’re all fucked! It’s the end of life as we know it! Start buying bottled water now! Which, by the way, we’re selling at 10c a gallon! Every little helps… if you want to live!’ So if you want to avoid absolute crisis, here are some handy money-saving tips to implement in your life, and beat that pesky recession:
Follow Peter Pan’s lost boys’ example, and don’t actually buy food. Instead, sit around imagining you’re eating the food. This way you can eat whatever you want, it doesn’t cost anything and you lose weight! It’s a win-win situation! Start a fashion trend making your own clothes from things you have lying around the house, like carpets and curtains. As time goes on you may have to resort to tablecloths, tea towels, lino flooring, flexible wood etc. Just tell people it’s all the rage in Paris and laugh at their ignorance, as you start drilling armholes in your bedside cabinet. Rent out your apartment (or bedroom in your parent’s house…who are we kidding here), and live in a bush in the garden. Keep a copy of the key so you can sneak back in periodically, to shower and use the kitchen for imaginary eating. Dress up in old clothing, raid your granny’s attic for old coins, and act like you think it’s actually 1905, when everything was a penny. Use phrases like ‘excuse me bar-keep, could I trouble you for a quick tipple’, and ‘Good morning merchant, half a pound of your finest cuts for elevenses this
glorious day’. If people think you are actually insane, you can pay for things with old pennies, and no one will question it. No one ever questions a crazy person. Continue paying in pennies and saying ‘codswallop’ until you are inevitably committed to a mental hospital. Which, by the way, gives you free room and board. Sweet. Tell your family on Christmas day you love them so much that putting a price on that love would be an impossible task. Therefore buying presents was not an option. Spend the rest of the day complaining that the iTouch they gave you is the wrong colour. Insist on monetary compensation for the emotional trauma caused. Make a hollow mould of yourself with a slot in your head, and leave it at supermarkets and shopping centres. If young scouts can ask complete strangers for their weight in coins, why not you? Get a piece of that action! Alternatively, make one of those swirly penny tunnel things where the coins spin round and round before dropping to the bottom. I love those. Stick your face looking sad on the side, just to make it legit. Find someone named ‘Recession’. Kick the shit out of him.