12 minute read
Me Myself & I
By: Fozia Khan, Brampton, Ontario
An In-depth Look At Narcissism:
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A Three Part Series
This article is part 3 of a series on narcissism. You can read these here
Spiritual Approaches and Discovery of the Nafs
Introduction to Islamic Concepts and the Psyche, or Nafs
Muslim Proverb.0
In this edition, we will begin to see in greater depth the intricate psychological connection between Islam and what we are taught about both the psyche, literally meaning “soul” in Greek, or Nafs in Arabic, and Islam’s religious prescriptions from the Quran and Sunnah as curative for many selfish motivations and desires, giving the light of insight for one’s own soul while also addressing core thoughts and habits that are identified with the indicators of narcissism. These prescriptions begin to purify the self-deluded, self-absorbed thoughts of the Nafs, the seat of the human heart, and guide it and its lower tendencies away from leading itself down a path toward greater and greater tendency for Narcissistic behaviours.
The cure entails vigilantly remembering who we are before God to cure us of our arrogance, and removing the factors we use to feed the survival part of the nafs and willfully (Himma) not succumb to its influence on the whisperings of the mind (Aql). The carnal and survival part of the Nafs is called the Nafs Al-‘Ammara, which is our appetitive soul responsible for helping us eat, procreate and survive. But this part can be incited to evil when out of balance and would be then called Nafs Al ‘Ammara Bi Su’, thereby drawing one’s self toward selfish, greedy, abusive, and controlling tendencies. In the Quran it says:“But I absolve not my own soul. Surely the soul commands to evil, save whom my Lord may show mercy. Truly my Lord is Forgiving, Merciful.” (12:531)
The soul, or Nafs, has several parts but for the purposes of this article we will focus on a few commonly known as mentioned in the Quran.
If we can recall from before, in the absence of turning one’s face toward the Highest power, the face turns toward its base self and is led astray in anxiety and restless futility, developing Hubris, in Greek meaning excessive pride, and attributing all of one’s success and gifts to one’s own self, not God. God is the Only Provider (Ar Razzaq) and Provider of Guidance (Al Hadi); hence the absolute necessity for turning to God in every state. “Say, ‘Truly God leads astray whosoever He wills and guides to Himself whosoever turns in repentance—those who believe and whose hearts are at peace in the remembrance of God. Are not hearts at peace in the remembrance of God?” (12:27-281).
Remembering (Dhikr) our position as a creation of God is a movement of turning toward God. Turning is the root meaning of Tawba, and the returning of our attention toward At-Tawaab, the Ever-Acceptor of Repentance, is seeking forgiveness for our forgetfulness of everything that entails being an accountable God-Conscious Human Being on Earth. A Human being with Taqwa, or God-Consciousness, is critical for positively aligning our relationship with God, ourselves and others. This alignment leads to humility and modesty, states of self-restraint that are the polar opposites of Hubris, which we have learned about before, is self-worship, self-love (inspired from base wants and desires) and self-admiration thereby elevating one’s self above others, while placing others lower. Self-Love can exist in the soul but only balanced proportionally under the guiding Light of God, burned free and clear of the dross of Hubris.
Our value is determined by knowing our absolute nothingness before God, and simultaneously our inherent significance before God who is our Creator (Al Khaliq) and Sustainer (Al Qayyum). We are only here because of God and will return to God at any moment. Our reality is chained to God as the Cause of all, returning back to Him in whatever state we are found in, as He is the Master of the Moment. This is the meaning of Inna Lillahi wa inna Ilaihi raji’oon! The soul that recognizes its need to turn to God, recognizing it wronged itself or another and takes itself to account by seeking forgiveness and attempts change and rectitude, is called the Nafs Al Lawamma, or the blaming or lamenting soul. This part of the soul’s power and significance is impressed by God here: “I swear by the Day of Resurrection. And I swear by the blaming soul.” (75:1-2)
Individuals with narcissistic tendencies — and we all face this challenge! — carry fear or self-blame that is not a lament before God, nor taking oneself to account for harmful or hurtful behaviours before God. If done before God, with the correct intention, this would be a positive and well-placed sense of shame and dislike for one’s actions. Rather, they are afraid and ashamed in front of others and horrified about losing one’s status because they are deeply insecure in their core sense of self and have become arrogant, paradoxically, always propping themselves up as better than others in order to feel better about themselves. The narcissist survives and feeds off the praise of others, or the attention they get from the individual who is the source of their constant attention by both the praise and attention this individual gives, which is called positive fuel or “positive supply,” or by displays of fear or frustration, which is called negative fuel or “negative supply”.
They have learned this as means to survive in a society that judges on outward displays of various forms of material progress, further finding one’s survival in the world based on others approval and superficial signs of material success. The attention or supply a narcissist receives (both positive and negative), and their ability to control or provoke others becomes fuel for their base soul (becoming incited to evil, or Nafs Al ‘Ammara Bi Su’) further destabilizing their soul, losing sight, or are veiled with greater degrees of opacity, from their core self. Pride and arrogance are root evils, embodied in individuals like the Pharaoh of the Israelites, because the soul puts itself as its own lord for self-worship (Hubris) and expects others to worship it; thus, laden with heavy impurities, veiled from God, Audhubillah. Only Allah can be Al Kabeer, the Great One who is greater than everything in status.
It’s critically important to note here that parenting does play a large part in how narcissism manifests in an adult, who as a child was persistently, excessively praised for being “Good” (Overvalued) and at other times also criticized or punished excessively for being “Bad”(Devalued), being shamed in front of others and told again and again to think about how others will view them and judge them—a negative and very harmful use of shame. How others perceive them becomes a matter of survival because if they are approved, they are accepted, and if they aren’t, they are rejected. Being rejected is a sort of death which is unbearable. This is particularly damaging if this is done by one’s primary caregiver. This sets up a very insecure personality core. This person will consciously or unconsciously find how they can either manipulate to feel safe, wanted and accepted in all future relationships, and will feed off both positive and negative fuel. The parenting they received is how they will conduct all future relationships, doing the exact same thing to others as was done to them: over-valuing the other with praise, also called “Love Bombing”, and then breaking down with shame, anger and criticism, called “Devaluation” for full surrender and compliance.
The whole process is confusing to the psyche who suffers from this treatment from another who has an even greater confused and disturbed psyche. To break this cycle requires God’s help for insight, imagination and inspiration to initiate self-observation. Allah speaks of the inspired soul, Nafs Al Mulhamma, in these verses from Surah Shams:
“…by the soul and the One Who fashioned it and inspired it as to what makes it iniquitous or reverent. Indeed, he prospers who purifies it. And, indeed he fails who obscures it…” (91:7-102)
Children with parents who love their child conditionally and withhold their love, and over praise or over criticize when that child makes a mistake, are setting up their child for serious personality issues going either the way of the victim (who has no protective boundaries, easily manipulated, desperate for love and affection) or the abuser (who breaks boundaries and manipulates to be admired and love how perfect they look). Both victim and abuser will look outside of themselves for conditional approval, and counter manipulate for the sense of safety and acceptance in the relationship, as opposed to possessing inner contentment, security and peace before God.
When a child is loved unconditional, and encounters mercy, forgiveness, firm love and guidance when mistakes happen, and behaviours are not assigned a valuation to be judged, excessively praised and also excessively put down, their dignity is honoured and respected, the child develops deeper inner trust, love, confidence, sense of safety in the world, and has a more stable and resilient core personality; thus making choices that are not stemming from an anxious need to receive affection or manipulate. This child will grow to be an adult with the hopeful possibility of having healthier relationships with self and others. This sense of safety, inner contentment and certainty about God, before God, is called Nafs Al Mutma’inna, or the Soul Inclined to Peace. From Surah al Fajr, with guidance for us to remember(dhikr) and to return to God (Tawba) before the Day when it is too late to do so:
“…Hell is brought forth that Day; that Day man will remember; yet whence will that remembrance avail him? He will say, “Would that I had sent forth for my life!” That Day non punishes as He punishes, and none binds as He binds. Oh thou soul at peace! Return unto thy Lord, content, contenting. Enter among My servants. Enter My Garden.” (89:27-302)
Nafs Al Mutma’inna is the state of the soul that we all must strive for in our lifetime till death regardless of our history, to be fully awake to one’s deeds, taking one’s self to account, released and transmuted, by God’s Grace, to establish contentment and to be contented with God’s Good Pleasure (radia tam mardiyyah). The verses above also speak of the opposite condition of the soul that is found in a bind, or vice, because of its choices it is entangled in its lower inclinations.
The prescriptions of religion, guidance and the model of parenting we have in the Prophet Muhammad (sal) provides a protocol for developing a strong and stable core personality that is God conscious, has strong boundaries, not looking at any other than God for approval or for seeking one’s needs. We all forget and we all make mistakes. But no matter what we’ve done, no matter what mistake we’ve made, we can always use the gate of repentance, by God’s Mercy. When we turn our attention toward God, we are reminded about why we are here and how to better conduct ourselves with an inner habitual practice of turning toward God again and again, putting into practice the guidance He sent for our individual and communal well being.
Becoming aware of all our motivations and intentions, to examine why and how we treat ourselves is the root cure of many illnesses. The Nafs Al Ammara is starved (restrained from incitement to evil) in our traditional practices by diverting one’s attention from its whisperings in the mind (Aql) and depriving it of those things that increase the hold the whisperings have on it; hence the tremendous cure found within fasting as one’s appetites for anger, food and sexuality are restrained for a window of time by God’s Command, and the humbled self is disciplined and resigned to God. The Nafs Al Ammara is deprived of fuel also by lowering one’s gaze and dressing modestly, prescribed for both sexes: sight is restrained from feeding the inner imagination with lustful thoughts.
Often, we would like to blame the person who has narcissistic tendencies in our lives. History is replete with different manifestations of particular personalities, and we see them also today either in the media or maybe identify some in our lives, or notice tendencies within our own selves! Regardless, God gives us the means and strong incentive to begin to take hold of the Nafs and cleanse it of its impurities. We are all entangled with narcissism to some degree as a part of us that seemingly clings to various material attachments, relationships, or self-absorbed thoughts laced with Hubris. But once we become aware, it becomes our duty to change our circumstance, to repent and seek help, striving toward self purification, otherwise it is our choice to stay in that situation. Usually, people are afraid to change circumstances because of fear of the unknown or judgement from society. Trust in God (Tawakkul) is an inspiration.
The cure we are speaking of is found in Remembering (Dhikr) our position before God, Repenting (Tawbaa), with a strong emphasis on observation or witnessing one’s thoughts, intentions, inclinations and behaviours, and Restraining (employing Himma) the fuel we feed our own Nafs or another’s Nafs Al ‘Ammara, inciting it to more evil (Bi Su’). So many injunctions and prescriptions either direct us to restrain from feeding the baser tendencies or encourage feeding the higher potentialities: Dhikr, Tawba, and spiritual disciplinary practices like prayer and fasting are health giving fuel for the higher aspects of the soul, inspiring and inclining it to Peace (As-Salaam).
In the next and final installment we will explore different scenarios and case studies where narcissism is present, with an examination of what we must do and acknowledge what can or cannot be changed. The individual with narcissistic traits is responsible for their own actions, and no one can change another. We each work on ourselves, with recognition that compassionate parenting will help raise a more conscientious generation.
An interesting website to explore made by an extremely rare self-aware narcissist, with several publications, is H.G. Tudor:
https://narcsite.com/
https://www.islamicpsychology.org/
0 This essence of this proverb is along the lines of this: A person whose soul isn’t inclined to purification after being taught religion is a person who has the ability to take religion and abuse it without shame.
Photo by Tim Stief on Unsplash
Part 1: Clarity Around Narcissism, From Healthy to Unhealthy
Part 2: Understanding the Story of Narcissism, Ancient Greek (Unani) and Islamic Perspectives
