Abbey, Where’s the Dern
Clicker?
By Quin Asselin
D’aw gorsh dern it; Jeopardy’s over and it’s time for Wheel of Fortune. The bottom of the fisherman’s stinkin’ barrel. I tell ya, Pat Sajak has just got somethin in that noggin of his that needs fixed. Shoot, just thinkin about that dern guy gets me hot behind the ears. What a loon. I can’t watch his makin goo goo eyes at Vanna White or else my head’ll spin. Say dere Abbey, hun? Did you see where the clicker coulda run off to? Hwhat’s that? No of course I’m not sittin’ on the dern thing. I just sore it here on the table a secund ago. Could be down on the carpet, maybe? Ooph, the programs startin and they still got those two hounds up dere runnin the show. Hwut a shame, ya know? I tell you wut if I was in charge down at NBC, I’d make ‘em get someone respectable like Art Fleming or even that greenhorn, Trebek, I spose. Anyone’s better than the gruesome twosome they’ve got hostin it now. What I’d like to know is who’s the hoser that just goes and puts all those colors and numbers on a wheel anyways? Jeez. Ya know, that whirlin little devil’s givin me a dern headache. Oooh say Abbey, guess what I found in between the cushions here! No, no, it’s your weddin band. Speak up I can’t hear ya over the stinkin’ wheel. No I said your weddin band hun. Well how do you like that then? You watch the wheel, you find a ring. Not too shabby fer a glorified game of hangman I ‘spose… Golly, watchin that dere wheel go round and round don’t seem like a hoot, but those couple of blockheads sure do make it look alright. What is the letter C? Say, not bad a
couple of em up dere. Now if Vanna could just plod outta the way, shoot I might know the uh.. the answer to this here question. Dern if sayin that don’t sound backwards, then I don’t know what, “What is” is. heh heh. Say Abbey you hear that one!? Dang, I crack myself up. Now this here clue is a bit of a toughy. N_ CH__C_ _F _SC_P_. No choice of ascope? What a bunch of hooey that is. Jeezaloo them colors zippin by on the wheel get me more mixed up than a Rubix Puzzle in the blender. I guess I see why they say color TVs are the way of the future, eh dere Abb? Huh? I said about the TV, I’m glad we got the color model! Only if the thing came with a leash for that darn remote controller. Oh I think I know this’n! “WHAT’S THE BIG IDEA?” Well shucks how’d you like that, the answer is in the form of a question. I tell you what Abb, you oughtta see this, the Wheel’s got everything hun! Well shoot dear, I’ll tell you hwut’s goin on while you finish cookin up the easy mac. All you gotta do is follow the Wheel... Just follow the Wheel. Dollar signs dartin by green, blue, pink, yeller, blue-green… slats on the edge of the wheel are buzzin like a dern plague of locusts! The wheel’s slowin down who knows where it’ll end up. Just a couple more clicks and... D’aw gorsh darnit. The ticker stopped on that lousy bankruptcy space. You’re ruined, Clark. You’re financially destitute now til the end of the round. And just like that the Wheel that can give or take it all. The dern thing’s whirlin again. Follow the wheel. Colors and numbers scootin by from left to right in a stinkin blur! It’s like a rainbow; like
a beautiful bloomin flower of every color. Say hun? I think I see something there in the center of this cash chrysanthemum. In the Wheel, Abbey, the Wheel! The dern center of the circle is openin up! Oh GORSH Abb, it’s an eye! A fershengluggin eye! The dang thing is lookin at me. It’s... it’s starin straight through my sweater vest and into my heart. Please Pat, oh you grand Sajak. The only question I should ask you is: “Who’s the best dern son of a gun to host a game show this side of suppertime?” And Ms. Hwite, your command of the board knows no equal. Wowza, the dynamic duo. Now I’ll tell you somethin. With Abbey as my witness I pledge myself to you and to the Wheel. I bow down before you and... Huhwutzit? Oh nothin just watchin the programs, hun. Heh heh, guess I got a little carried away there for a minute. Well would you take a look at that? The doggone clicker was right there under me the whole time. Thank goodness too, I gotta turn the dial up to hear that dere disk zip by. I sure do love me a round or two with that magic circle. Who needs a show like Jeopardy anyway? All those questions for answers and answers for questions, I can’t believe someone’d watch that crazy buncha hooey anyhow. And ya know I think it’s time that snide ol’ Trebek derr got what’s comin to him...