Nonsense Investigates:
By Anna Galperin
Russ an Tongue Farm N
onsense travelled to Russia to interview Svetlana in Alyonkinchka. We brought a translator, Alex, but he got separated from us early on. This is a transcription of the brief conversation we had with Svetlana and her family. Hi! I’m David. Our translator isn’t here quite yet. But we’re just gonna continue with the interview. I’ll record the conversation on my voice recorder. Would you mind speaking in English? Okay! I love speak English! All right, awesome. Would you introduce yourself? Hello! My name Svetlana, I live in Russia small town called Alyonkinchka and am very rich! Why rich? Well, family have many camel, many camel tongues, many many camel tongues. We biggest export of international camel tongue. Millions. Billions! So many tongues. Brother Nikita in charge of cutting tongues out of camel’s mouth. Always a lot of blood, very scary. Blood ewhhh. Mama Alina raise us alone, papa Misha dead in a bull trample accident. Very sad. He decorate street now! I love Mama. She does for us everything! Well, welcome to our camel farm! I wish you could see inside of camel’s mouth, so big and beautiful. If you follow here you can see the tong—No, that’s all right. Let’s just continue walking. Okay! Here, we have outhouse. It’s always little cold and I bring
roses from the garden to make smell good. We have camel soap, camel hair rug, toilet, and big time shower. Sometimes there is hot water and it is so nice, so hot, so good on skin. Big hose over here for Mama. Oh wait, is it possible that Alex went to the outhouse when he got here? Have you seen him? Oh, maybe I have! He wandered off into forest over there maybe? Very dangerous, home of Papa Brother, also dead. I wish him luck coming out! Here we have kitchen. We have goat’s milk, camel’s milk, cow’s milk, mama’s milk, and sheep’s milk. Milk makes our bones strong. We must be strong to capture and tongue all the camels here. Nikita especially loves mama’s milk, while I’m prefer sheep’s milk - is less dense, easier on Mama. We love chicken soup and borscht and all other soups are so yummy, so warm, so good. Mama cooks for us anything we want. Mama feeds us everything. Cool, super cool. Did you say mama feeds you her milk? How old is Nikita exactly? I speak English very good, but sorry if I confuse you ever! Of course mama feeds us, how else we will eat? So funny question! She cooks, cleans, chews, everything, she is Mama! Nikita? We don’t know when he is born, he one day came out of mama and was here. Silly questions! Here follow me, here is where we sleep. We have sheepskin blankets. Keeps us all warm when we sleep. Oh? You sleep together? The three of you?
Yes of course! It is only customary to keep Mama company. She does for us everything. Sometimes, there visitors and she likes to keep them for a while. She loves to take care of people! They in trouble only if they go into forest- Here we have outhouse number two! This is where get locked if you do bad work. Mama keeps you there until she needs you again. I only ever been in outhouse number two three times. Very scary. Very sad. I punch fist into wood door but it doesn’t open until mama comes. Mama will always come though, so it’s ok. Makes us stronger. Makes us hungry. Is...is there someone in there right now? Yes. Nikita in there, he did bad job last night for dinner. Salad not cut the way Mama likes it. Too many tomatoes. Tough on digestive. He will be out soon. Didn’t we just see Nikita earlier? I feel like we just — Let’s go look at the camel farm! Mama sleeps over there during day. When she wakes, all camels scream. That is when Nikita runs over to give mama kiss and hug. Then she goes back to sleep until bedtime, when we carry mama to the bedroom to rest. So let me get this straight. Mama sleeps during the day in the camel barn, and at night you carry her into the house, to sleep in bed, with you and your brother? Isn’t that a lot of work for you? Yes! Mama does for us everything, though. She is very kind. I love mama! When I have to go peepee, mama feels it, and
does it for meMama urinates for you? Mama does for us everything. I say so many times and is still true. Blonde boy was much more understanding of Russian culture! So you have seen Alex? Mmm…. If you’d like, you can meet Mama now. She very much likes Americans. Svetlana, have you seen Alex or not? Well, look here. We at barn already! How funny and silly! Mama very much wants to meet you. Go inside, yes? Today she is talkative but I don’t think she wants me to take her out. There is a pause and a few creaks are heard on the tape. As the barn door is heard to close behind our interviewer, David, a light rumbling becomes apparent. Alex? You in here? Svetlana? Mama Alina? Hello? Is anyone - holy shit! Alex! Alex what are you doing in here? How did you get in here? Say something man! God, they’ve got you hooked up to - are these tubes? It’s on your stomach, Alex! It’s attached to your stomach! Dude. It’s actually totally chill. Totally nice. It is? Svetlana opens the barn doors. Is super chill, yes! Mama Alina’s massive, breathing stomach opens itself up, revealing a one hundred stitched tongues trapped between a thousand teeth. IS CHILL. -Static.