Staff Writers Jordan “Hop-scotch-kins” Hopkins Ben “Oh! That’s a Baseball” Fletcher Peter “Barbeque Saucy” Soucy Veronica “The Piano Man” Toone
Staff Artists Victoria “Original Sin” Jenkins Beth “Phish” Foster Emily “Heart in the Sand” Hart
Dear Summer Advice Column
Contributors William “The Russell” Russell “Brussel” Faber Lizzie “Slappin’ Franks on the Grill” Frank Robert “Is Gwen Stefani Ska?” Kinnaird Brynne “Rock the Dwayne Johnson” Levine
I Recreated Back to the Future But with the Intention to Bone My Mom (Page 46) 26 Wendy’s in Upper Middle Westish Manhattan I’m Still Not Allowed Into (Page 68)
by Lizzie Frank
Dear Summer, I went to fifth base on the shoreline of Virginia Beach in July, and to make a long story short, what’s your best method for getting about a gallon worth of sand out of my colon? -Sincerely, Sand in My Asshole Hi Sand in My Asshole, sounds like you’ve got quite the little predicament on your hands! Not to worry, I have a tried and true recipe for this exact predicament, passed down from generations of my sorority sisters at Delta Zeta Omega Chrysanthemum Kappa Chi Alpha. First, you’ll need to buy a bottle of Pedia-Tract® Gummies for Constipated Kids. While you’re at Target, take a cute pic at the self-checkout cameras for instagram. In 6-8 hours when the Hofstra shuttle drops you off, strip nude and dig a hole in your backyard. Pour the constipation gummies into a milky bowl of high fiber cereal, pop into the microwave for 60 seconds, and then slurp that mix down like a wet slug. Crow into the hole in your yard and let your own hole release. Wishing you the best in this difficult time.
Dear Summer, for my last 6 semesters at H*fstra, I’ve sort of been eating a lot of asparagus, if you get my drift. And by asparagus, I mean weed. Basically I’ve been smoking as much weed as possible. Also I never study and, as a rule, only go to class on Wednesdays after 1 pm and Thursdays before 6 pm. To make a long story short, I’m on the verge of flunking out of this registered arboretum in hell and moving back in with my parents (unregistered arboretum in hell) if I fail a single class this entire year. What do I do to survive? -Sincerely, Fucking Idiot I’m so sorry to hear that, Fucking Idiot! It can be hard to stay motivated, but sometimes we should all take a moment to be thankful that we have the opportunity to pursue a higher education. You’re going to need to work hard to get your grades up! I’d recommend joining a study group, limit partying to twice a month, hold yourself accountable, stay organized, and plan rewards for going to class. If that’s not effective, try adderall. Worked for me.
Dear Summer, [REDACTED]. -Sincerely, Celery Arms
Dear Summer, I’m short. -Sincerely, Chris
No. Other option: No, I can’t say for sure [REDACTED]. But if you ever wanna fuck, give me a call. I don’t usually do this, but my number is [REDACTED]. I look forward to your acquisition. Good luck!
Rough.
4
Dear Summer, since the start of break my friends have all been posting a million pictures of their vacations to Milan, Thailand, Detroit, etc. I spent the break watching Adult Swim in my basement and jacking off into (mostly) empty mountain dew bottles. What can I do to still seem cool? -Sincerely, Insecure About Myself
Meet the Ghosts Haunting Your Building in the Fall 2018 Semester (Page Ω)
Reader, this question reminds me perfectly of the January I spent in Prague on a foreign exchange trip. The whole time I was like, “oh no, what are my friends going to think about this?” But then I realized, I simply can’t fixate on that. So instead I went around touring ancient ruins and eating exotic foods and I went swimming in the heated pools of a volcano and had conversations with strangers on the street in Czech. It just totally made me more worldly and knowledgeable and taught me so many once-in-a-lifetime life lessons that I couldn’t find anywhere else. Anyway, photoshop yourself onto a picture of Rio de Janeiro and put that up in your room. Dear Summer, I lost 50 pounds on Nutrasystem! -Sincerely, Questions only please. Dear Summer, how do I make my girlfriend wet and hot? -Sincerely, Men Touche. Some questions have been edited for grammar or spelling, or because we just didn’t like what they said before. Nicknames from our asks are created by the magazine staff For the last time, you may not sue the magazine for defamation of character. Suck it up, whiny shits.