Visit These Places in Your Hometown to Find Me, Hotboxing By Lizzie Frank It’s Summer! I’ve got my hat on backwards and I’m ready to fucken party. Well maybe not party, per say, because all of my friends from Hofstra are in their hometowns and all of my friends from high school are assholes now. But it’s all gon be fine, because I’ve got a milk jug full of pot (it’s a long story) and my summer job fell through because I never sent in my application, so catch me hotboxing at any/all of these locations throughout July and August and maybe September too if my financial aid doesn’t come together (I can’t remember if I filled out FAFSA or not). Feel free to join me at any point. Be aware, in all of these locations, I will be enjoying Alvin and Chipmunks 3: Chipwrecked. Non-negotiable.
and she was told me she got it after “the Parks and the other Shit ended.” She told me she’d give me a zip lock baggie full of weed if I took the car to an abandoned lot, poured it in the gasoline from the trunk, and lit it on fire. I was like, that’s a steal, so sure, and then afterwards I met her at the housing development on the edge of the desert and she invited me into her igloo and gave me a 2 gallon freezer bag full of pot. I was sitting in her igloo, smoking up, and I dug through the bag and found a loose DVD of Alvin and the Chipmunks 3: Chipwrecked! I haven’t seen Amy Poehler since, but I usually pop over to her igloo once a week and play Chipwrecked just to make sure the DVD player still works.
1. Inside Amy Poehler’s dirt hole 15 miles into the desert Did you know Amy Poehler lives in your hometown, because I sure didn’t! I was walking the back way to McDonald’s one morning when a brand new Kia Sorento without license plates drove by real slow, backed up, then drove about 20 or so feet ahead of me and stopped. When I walked past, the driver’s window rolled down and a woman in a blonde wig that I think was maybe made of golden retriever hair and masking tape motioned for me to get in. I did, because I thought she was going to compliment me on my new Adidas shoes. Instead she said, “I’m a blonde celebrity and I’ll give you a ziplock bag of weed if you help me” so obviously I was like, “Amy Poehler when did you get a face tattoo?” and she said “after the Office ended” and then we drove to the end of town and then another 15 or 20 minutes into the desert and then she handed me two 2 liter soda bottle full of gasoline and then we torched the Kia Sorento. Then she threw me a collapsible shovel from her duffel bag and said “dig” and I did. About 6 feet deep I hit a tub, and she took out a handgun and an envelope and walked deeper into the desert. Inside the tub there was a portable tv and dvd player, a generator, a loose copy of Alvin and the Chipmunks 3: Chipwrecked, and a 2.5 gallon freezer bag full of pot. I haven’t seen Amy Poehler since, but I usually pop over to her hole once a week to hotbox and watch Chipmunks. The walk is kinda rough on my Adidases, but you know what they say. Walk 15 miles in my shoes, or whatever.
2. In the underwater polar bear observatory deck in Terry’s backyard When the east wing of Terry’s mid-century Rhine Romantic-era castle was set fire by one of her jealous ex-lovers, Terry’s pet ostrich cyborg, Grand Duchess Sofia Purell the 14th, who was trapped inside. I was on my little sister’s razor scooter, blasted outta my mind, when I caught sight of the smoke and thought there was a mad hangout going on without me. I razored over, jumped through a glass door which I thought was an open window, and rode out on Grand Duchess Sofia Purell the 14th (air of the Purell hand sanitizer fortune). My sister still hasn’t forgiven me for burning up her Razor scooter. It all worked out though, because Terry owes me good, and has been letting me hotbox in her underwater polar bear observation deck since then, basically. I hooked up a projector and the polar bears seem calmed by the sweet, extremely auto-tuned harmonies of Chipwrecked (their favorite song is the Chipette’s rendition of Survivor,
Leaving this option: 1. Inside Amy Poehler’s Kia New Igloo Wow! Did you know Amy Poehler lives in your town? Me neither! At least, not until I was walking to work one morning and a brand new Kia Sorento without license plates drove by real slow, then stopped and backed up. The driver rolled down the window, adjusted a ratty blonde wig, and introduced herself as Amy Poehler. I was all like, “Amy Poehler, when did you get a face tattoo?”
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but I prefer Whip My Hair). I may not have this spot for too long though, because I think Terry figured out it was me stealing the cheese and olive platters from the fridge. She still hasn’t realized I’ve been wearing her kimono while nude, though it’s only a matter of time before the polar bears (or the Grand Duchess) snitches on me. Come on over in the meantime, though. I change the passcode on the door to 4206969, or just tell one of the servants I sent you. 3. In the bathroom of the Susan Sarandon Memorial Garden it’s what she would have wanted. 4. In the BEEHIVE! Everybody in the town knows where the BEEHIVE! is, right? Yeah, so I’ll be chilling inside there. The “bees” don’t mind as long as I load a bowl or two for them. It’s super fun in there because you can just jump around in each of the honeycomb sections and stuff. Don’t come if you’re allergic to pollen, honey, my cool hat collection that I store in the hexagonal shelving units the “bees” built for me, or bee stings. I will not be enjoying Alvin and the Chipmunks 3: Chipwrecked in this location. The “bees” do not like it. 5. At the drive-in movie theater during the Transformers marathon Once my car is good and fogged up, I roll down the windows and blast Alvin and the Chipmunks over Transformers. No one complains. A car full of teenagers applauds. One woman calls me a hero and ask for a hit. I give it to her. 6. In the abandoned Sears on the street where everyone leaves free lawn chairs This Sears is popping. First off, it’s completely void of all human life. Second, this is a little known fact but the entire Sears™ corporation operates under its own self-sustaining government system, so police officers and United States law have no jurisdiction inside any Sears™ location. Some naysayers try to tell me that it’s impossible to hotbox inside a completely vast and completely empty department store. But if they can’t hotbox inside this massive desolate above-ground pit, they just haven’t been smoking as much weed as me. I’ll light up until this entire windowless hellhole becomes a fog monster. I’ll light up until other Sears™ in the country get a spiritual contact high. I’ll light up until the Dick’s Sporting Goods next door bangs on the barred door and complains. Not enough to drown out Alvin and the Chipmunks 3, though. I want to watch that.