I was twelve when I left the house for the first time, with only the clothes on my back and my well-paid manservant, Andy, to help me make the dangerous journey to visit my relatives, who live in a state near Michigan. I know how often people struggle with packing in this fast-paced, no-nonsense world, so I'm here today to help you understand exactly what needs to be in your suitcase, and what needs to be left to the goblins who steal your stuff while you are on Vacation. Toiletries: I don't really remember the War. I do, however, remember that at one point, I owned soap. God, the lap of luxury. The soap? it smelled of blueberries, and had been purchased at one of the many sales held by the capitalist hellscape that is Bath & Body Works. Packing such things may be a must, but remember that these scents will haunt you forever as you try and reclaim the high of this wondrous trip to Michigan, the Cereal Capital of America. Apparel: Pack for any and all weather, as each day in Michigan contains all four typical seasons. This is to ensure that each Michigan day makes any one citizen happy. This citizen is me; I have never left Michigan without frowning. This is because I love the Four Seasons, both as a hotel chain and as a representation of the different weather patterns experienced across the globe at various times during the Gregorian calendar year. The idea of experiencing all four seasons in one 24-hour day is intimidating to many, but I genuinely think it's the only way to be alive. Being able to go from swimming comfortably in the pool to slowly freezing to death, because you're still in the pool but the temperature has dropped to -10 , is really an experience you cannot forget.
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I have left Michigan twice since my original arrival here with Andy (the trusty manservant who holds my dreams) upon my 25th year: Once in meeting your mother, and a second time to give you this invitation to join me in this grand state, the Water Winter Wonderland. Funny story—they actually call it that, the big old WWW. By the way, can you say hello to your mother for me before you leave? Also, perhaps unrelated, but you may mention that I’m dating like, a ton of cool people. Beyond that, remember that the clothes you wear will aid you in whatever trials the Wolverine state may put you through. Do not fret, my kin—wolverine hunting gear will be unnecessary, as there are no more wolverines in Michigan.