A 4 • March 31, 2017
LOCAL NEWS
Nonsense
Local Student Praised On Presentation, Classmates Definitely Not Bitter
By Jordan Hopkins STA F F WR IT E R
Early this morning, sophomore rhetoric student, Stewart Peters, turned heads as he debuted his newest work, an excellent PowerPoint on the importance of interpersonal communication. Peters stole the show by including Word Art, seamless effects, and a “really cool” slide transition, according
By Sam Thor STA F F WR IT E R
Responding to reports that Garden City just generally felt more pleasant to be around, authorities this Wednesday discovered that Adelphi University is officially gone. What used to be the mediocre campus is just nothing. We don’t know what is there, or if there even exists anymore. Whatever
to sources. Reports are still coming in, but we are hearing that his first slide contained a sampling of “High School Never Ends” by critically acclaimed band Bowling For Soup, as well as several gifs of excited animals, and even a few anime characters dancing suggestively. Sources inside Room 301 of the school of communications are confirming that Peters received a grade of 98, and
I’m happy for him, really.” that his fellow classmates are “not bitter”. “No, I think Stewart did great,” fellow classmate Amy Adams intimated to Nonsense Humor. “Really fantastic. I mean, I’m the one who showed him how to use Prezi in the first place, so I would
appreciate a little credit, but it’s fine I guess. I’m happy for him, really.” One of Peters’ groupmates, Max Peterson of Wantagh, echoed similar sentiments. “I just wish he had given us a little more credit, but it’s cool or whatever. I mean, we all got the same grade, so I guess it’s cool. Whatever, I mean.” This isn’t the first time Peters has turned heads with his presentations; in freshman
year, he debuted a fifteen-slide PowerPoint presentation on metamorphic rocks. “I mean, I’m just happy to be out there providing important information to the people,” Peters said. “Does it really matter who gets the credit? The important thing is that the rest of the class learns something new. I just hope Professor Simmons liked it.” Erika Simmons could not be reached for comment.
students that it still sucks in the afterlife. Surprisingly, the shuttle to Adelphi stills seems to be running. Adelphi’s one positive quality was that they had the only shuttle that knew when the trains came in and arrived accordingly, a skill that Hofstra never seemed to achieve. The vanishing of the entire university apparently wasn’t enough for the school to give up their one good
thing--the ability to leave there entirely, quickly and on time--so the shuttles continue. However, no one is ever driving, and nobody truly knows where the shuttle ends up. Scientists theorized during their break from more pressing, relevant matters, that the shuttles appear and disappear through a small black hole, or something, maybe. Similar to what Adelphi previously was.
Adelphi Is Gone
caused this, officials are still unsure, but also they don’t really care enough to put any more money into finding out. The entire student body of 7,500 students have also seemingly vanished, but their parents haven’t filed any missing persons reports, obviously, since no parent can truly love their child if they sent them to Adelphi. Hofstra University emailed the student body, confirming
that their gross smelly neighbor school ceases to be, but the email didn’t seem to be solemn, and with Stuart Rabinowitz actually typing “see ya the fuck later fats!” The area around where Adelphi was has become a huge party scene for the Hofstra youth, while many white students at Hofstra have started doing séances in the space the “school” used to occupy, just to tell the Adelphi
Report: Boogerfaced Butthead Misses His Mommy By Diane Weiss SPECIAL TO NONSENSE
In a recent development at St. Ladislaus Catholic Church in Hempstead, NY, a boogerfaced butthead little twerp is reportedly “missing [his] mommy real bad.” According to witnesses at the scene, the local snot-nosed ninny, Tyler Rollins of Uniondale, could be heard crying and throwing an absolute hissy fit throughout the church. To some, it was an understandable reaction to an unfathomable trauma. To others though, the wittle baby’s tantrum appeared potentially reflective of a lack of
proper discipline at home. “I can’t imagine how crazy things have been in that house lately,” said Clarissa Weir, 56, of Hempstead. “I get that children are known to act out in times like this, and obviously I’m sure the kid’s more than a little [messed] up about all the bull[stuff] that’s happened this past year, but as a parent myself I have to say that what I witnessed today was embarrassing and unacceptable.” Rollins, 8, caused such a stir at the church that many of its guests left the scheduled service prematurely; at least one reporter was tempted to join them.
“It’s never easy to witness that kind of thing. I’ve worked my fair share of funerals at this point, but this is the first one that I’ve ever had to actually leave midway through,” said Catherine Simmons, 43, a long-time volunteer at St. Ladislaus. “It may seem rude, but if I didn’t excuse myself we’d be having another funeral a week from now.” said Simmons with a hearty giggle, followed by a look of fearful realization. While the funeral began with a moving speech by the crybaby’s father, Mark Rollins, it quickly devolved into somebody’s all-too-typical demands for attention.