A 2 • March 31, 2017 did that!?” At some point after this, the time cannot be certain, the cops showed up. Almost as soon as they arrived, I started vomiting a hummus-y beer mixture out of my mouth. My clothes were unscathed in the morning, so I was shocked when I was told this news. My friend Molly sorted it all out for me, “You threw up all over me. Down my shirt, on my shoes, everywhere. Then you made out with Stacy! And you know I have a crush on you!” I ran away shortly after that, scared of her crying or forcing me into
commitment, so she did not give anymore quotes. Several minutes of the night cannot be described, because no one was with me. My friend had left to go to the popular late night convenience store, “Bricktown.” When he found me, I was lying on a tree singing Rhianna’s 2007 hit, “Umbrella” despite sources confirming that Future was playing at the time. He allegedly put me around his shoulder and helped me walk back to campus. “You know how much more I can lift than you at the gym,” he said on the situation, “it was a breeze
carrying you back.” The two of us then went to Sbarro’s, the best pizza on Long Island, where we ordered several slices. I was said to have taken one bite and then immediately vomited on the floor. My friend then took me to the commuter lounge where I destroyed it with my vomit and urine and proceeded to pass out, pants at my ankles. My other roommates were then called to come get me with their car, for they were sober. When asked to comment on the situation my friend Mike said, “You kept telling us, ‘if you try to make
Table Of Contents
Page 1 “Alleged HvZ Hazing Involved Induced Gameplay, A Cage, And Anti-Nonsense Imagery” By Jesse Saunders and Matt Tanzosh Art by Zachary Johnson Modeling by Trevor Parrish “Party Blackout Allegedly Involved Alcohol- Induced Vomiting, Sbarro’s, And The Commuter Lounge Bathroom” By Peter Soucy Page 3 “Press Briefing by Press Secretary Sean Spicer: “I Just Work Here, Okay?”” By Jesse Saunders “DIY Fashion Icon: Steve Bannon Debuts New Necklace Of Tiny Animal Bones” By Zachary Johnson Art By Zachary Johnson Page 4 “Local Student Praised on Presentation,Classmates Definitely Not Bitter” By Jordan Hopkins “Adelphi Is Gone” By Sam Thor “Report: Boogerfaced Butthead Misses His Mommy” By James Sweeney Page 5 “I Am Outside Your House and Concerned With Your Energy Usage” By Gillian Pitzer “Local Man’s Lawn Two Whole Goddamn Inches Over HOA Regulations” By Jordan Hopkins “Report: Local Cockroach Living Under Your Bed Thinks You Should Stop Fucking So Loud” By Zachary Johnson Page 6 SGA Weekly Wrap-Up By Nonsense Staff Public Safety Briefs By Public Staff Page 7 “Club Spotlight: The Vaping Dutchmen” By Victoria Jenkins “Your Horoscopes” By Quin Asselin Page 8 “Overheard At Hofstra” By Nonsense Staff “When Life Gets Busy, Put A Bunch Of Shit In A Jar” By Heather Levinsky Page 9 “Campus Profile: That Guy From Bits” By James Sweeney “Set Breakdown: Senior Bio Student Brings Magic to Hammer” By Matthew Tanzosh Page 10 “Humans Of Hofstra”: “Markus Conway”, “W Houston Dougharty” by Zachary Johnson “Kathy Schaffer” by Ashley Vernola Page 11 “I Thought Ponyo Was Hentai, What Gives?” By Ariel Leal Art By Gillian PItzer Page 12 “A Woke Review: Hidden Fences Is Important” By Rojanaye Daley “Weathered Old Man Who Lives By the Sea “Fucks Heavy” With New Ghost in the Shell Remake” By Jordan Hopkins
me move, I’m going to scream,’ you’re such a little fuck!” They eventually got me to my dorm and into bed. I awoke the next morning with the feeling that goes along with a blackout: What happened last night? It could have been anything. I could not expect how disappointed I would be in myself after hearing the story. At time of print, we have very few details regarding the appropriate amount of apologies that must be made, or if the girl from Math Excursions will call me back.
Editors In Chief
Heather “Papi” Levinsky Zachary “Poppy” Johnson
Matthew “Catthew” Tanzosh
Ashley “Can’t Spurn The Vern” Vernola Ariel “Me Cuban” Leal James “Funnyman” Sweeney
Gillian Pitzer? I Hardly Know...Them.
Page 13 “Breslin’s New Art Installation Captures My Art Director Mother’s Everlasting Essence” By Daniel Nguyen Joseph “Streetwear” Kolb Page 14 “A Critique Of Hofstra Critics” By Jesse Saunders “This Years Music Watch List! (Unless the Business Manager Diseases Under Greenland Melt And Kill Us All)” By Peter Soucy Peter “Nice Boy” Soucy Page 15 “Letter To The Editor: Please Stop Being Mean To Me” By Jesse Saunders Faculty Advisor “From The Editorial Board: Shut Up” By Ashley Amy “We Managed To Meet With Vernola You This Semester” Karofsky Art By Bethany Foster Page 16 “The Party Line: Delta Epsilon Delta 90s Night Copyeditors Thirsty Thursday Absolute Rager Keg- Ashley “Can’t Spurn The Vern” Fest 2017” By Veronica Toone And Jordan Hopkins Vernola Page 17 “My Grandson Will Ruin You, Uber” By James Ariel “Me Cuban” Leal Sweeney Brenna Silly “A Word To Millenials In The Age Of Trump: A James Factorial Thoughtful, Intelligent, Center-Right Op-Ed” By Peter “Nice Boy” Soucy Toby Jaffe Quin “Give Spicy” Asselin Page 18 “I Tried To Do DMT But I Didn’t Know What Kind of Sandwich It Was” By Veronica Toone Contributors “Resident Little Bitch Thinks He Can Tussle With Rojan”ayeeee lmao” Daley Me” By Veronica Toone Page 19 “Opinion: I Would Like To Be In A Place” By Emily Shart Veronica Toone Jordan Webkinz “Opinion: I Would Not Like To Be In A Place” Toby “Definitely Still Goes Here” Jaffe By Zachary Johnson Victoria “Leeroy” Jenkins “Opinion: It Is Rude Of You To Decline Me A Job Damn, Daniel Nguyen Just Because I Am A Horse” By Zachary Johnson Jesse “Playing Both Sides” Page 20 “Nerf Dart Ballistics Test Reveals You Didn’t Saunders Fucking Hit Me” By Quin Asselin Veronica “Speef Nation “Change of Scenery? The Islanders are Looking For A New Home And My Uncle Knows Just The Worldwide” Toone Place” By Jesse Saunders Ham Thor Page 21 “What Is Luge?” By Brenna Lilly Bethany “Egg” Foster “How To Play Baseball” By Veronica Toone Trevor “World’s Best Model” Page 22 “Sports Spotlight: Hofstra Quidditch” By Parrish Emily Hart “Despite All Odds, Hofstra Basketball” By Nonsense Humor Magazine is Hofstra’s Ashley Vernola only intentional humor magazine. Please Page 23 Editorial By Heather Levinsky and Zachary don’t take any advice from us, because we don’t know what we’re talking about. The Johnson views expressed herein do not necessarily Issue Corrections By Nonsense Staff represent the views of Hofstra UniverBack Cover By Zachary Johnson sity. Any likenesses to people or school newspapers existing or fictional are purely coincidental. Nonsense Humor Magazine is not responsible for any paper cuts, political tantrums, or uncomfortable deja vu from reading Public Safety Briefs.
We love The Hofstra Chronicle so much, we decided to pay homage to them.