A 16 • March 31, 2017
Nonsense
OP-ED
T he Party Line The Delta Epsilon Delta ‘90s Night Thirsty Thursday Absolute Rager Keg-Fest 2017 Fucking Rocked By Chadd SPEC I A L TO NON S E N S E
Lemme just say, for the record, that I’ve been to a lot of ‘90s-Night-ThirstyThursday-Absolute-RagerKeg-Fests in my day. You could call me a jungle juice connoisseur. People always hand me the AUX cord first,
and no one tops Chadd at Flip-Cup. So, when I heard that Delta Epsilon Delta was throwing a rager, I knew I had to go. I pre-gamed with my suitemate Todd before— we had some rummy bears that my ex-girlfriend left in my fridge—and ran into my boy Greg on the Night Shuttle. He said he wasn’t
going, but that’s not for everyone, you feel? Anyway, the party was lit. There was no beer when we got there, but we had the rummy bears, so it was fine. I got knocked on my ass. This dude was selling weed for mad cheap and I got so fucked up, dude. I ate a whole box of Triscuits that someone left, and I even
took a box home with me. There was this girl there that looked really familiar, and so I used that to hit on her. She was so beautiful. I got to second base, but she said she had to take an “emergency call” from her sister or something, so we didn’t go any further. There was a crossbow someone
brought that I tried out in the basement, and I think I got a pretty good shot. Actually, if you count the TV I hit right in the middle of the screen— right in the middle!—then that’s two good shots. Great Triscuits, great friends—all in all, great party! 5/5 Stars
The Delta Epsilon Delta 90s Night Thirsty Thursday Absolute Rager Keg-Fest 2017 Fucking Sucked By Todd SPEC I A L TO NON S E N S E
I want this to be crystal clear: I did not want to go to this party. Specifically, I did not want to go with my shithead suitemate, Chadd, mostly because I was still mad at him for spilling duck sauce all over our bathroom (please don’t ask). The only reason I went is because Chadd is too much of a baby to go by himself, and because he said he’d buy booze. What I didn’t know is that when he said booze,
what he actually meant was the half-full Tupperware container of rummy bears that his ex-girlfriend had left in the fridge for like a month and a half. He ate half of them, and got smashed because he’s a fucking lightweight. I only ate like two because I thought they tasted like burning plastic, and foolishly assumed there would be beer at an Absolute Rager Keg-Fest. Things first started to go wrong the second we got on the shuttle. I opened the door and was greeted
by my arch-enemy, Greg. Fucking Greg stole my girlfriend during freshman year, so naturally, we are not on good terms. Chadd loves Greg. I need new friends. The party was no better. There was no beer, and half the people there were either passed out or making out on the couch. I saw Chadd a couple times. The first time was when I walked in on him making out with my exgirlfriend, Sarah, which was great. The second time was when I passed him snorting
chopped-up kale off a mirror in the bathroom with a dude who looked like Chad Kroeger. That made me feel a little better. But, I still had a pretty shitty time, and that was before some douchebag SHOT ME WITH A CROSSBOW. Who shot me with a crossbow? Where did he get said crossbow? Boy, I wish I knew. The only thing I know is that there I was, minding my own fucking business, and suddenly there’s an arrow in my arm. A fucking arrow! I had to leave Chadd there so I
could call a cab to go to the hospital on account of being SHOT IN THE ARM WITH A CROSSBOW. My good polo is covered in blood and rummy bear juice. I didn’t get home until 7:30 in the morning. And, of course, I walked into my room and the first thing I did was step on a box of Triscuits someone had left on the floor. I hate Triscuits. If they’re Chadd’s, I’m going to kill him. 2/5 Stars, would not recommend.
I Didn’t Go To The Delta Epsilon Delta ‘90s Night Thirsty Thursday Absolute Rager Keg-Fest 2017 By Greg SPEC I A L TO NON S E N S E
The Rager? Yeah, I heard about that. I didn’t go, I had a paper due, but my friend, Chadd, said it was insane. Some dude got shot with a crossbow, I think. Hope he’s okay. 5/5 Stars, I guess. Sounded cool.