A 14 • March 31, 2017
Nonsense
A&E
A Critique Of Hofstra Critics By Jesse Saunders STA F F WR IT E R
A strong voice in a growing criticism movement on Hofstra’s campus, the Hofstra Critics are really tapping into something we’ve previously seen only in every other major media publication, and that one guy that follows you after class to let you know he thought your poem was pretty good. While some publications split their magazines and papers into various sections, the newly growing critic collective is challenging the norm by dedicating their entire life’s work to the formula of
critique. The club sends out weekly manifestos similar to that of other growing art movements on campus, in the form of emails concerning their meeting times, and other pertinent information. One voice does not define the critics; they, instead, find their strongest art comes from their differences. One critic, sophomore Film Major Roger Wells, chose to write about the popular film Get Out, “Yeah I really loved it, like they tapped into something with that one,” Said Wells. “Get Out might be the movie of the year.” A fellow critic, junior Film Major Rachel Conway, also
chose to review the highly popular, heavily talked about film, “I loved Get Out. It was possibly the best movie of the year, and it’s only March!” she raved. The critics encourage critique in all form and have even started openly critiquing students around campus. Freshmen Bio Major Ana Simpson had such an encounter with the Hofstra critics, “This guy on the Unispan just came up to me and rated me 3/5 stars. His analysis of my deepest insecurities was really nuanced, but I’m still kind of confused.” The critics may be the most nuanced work of art the world has ever seen. Their critiques neatly sum
up the plot of films, books, music, and “that bitch Jade” in concrete understandable ways the student body can finally digest. The collective is a creation from a pure place of inspiration. Compromised only by an audience who is unable to compromise
their values for the sake of art, the Hofstra critics are off to strong start and will likely have a successful and award winning career in both criticism and talking more than anyone else in class, as they continue onward. But still… 2.5/5 Stars
This Years Music Watch List! (Unless The Diseases Under Greenland Melt And Kill Us All) By Dr. Souce S PEC I A L TO NON S E N S E
With every year comes new releases from the hottest artists, and perhaps ancient diseases frozen for millions of years under the humongous island of Greenland. Last year, Drake brought us Views, Beyoncé gave us Lemonade, Chance, the Rapper gave us Coloring Book, and Greenland gave us no cataclysmic diseases. Let’s dive right into the hottest albums that will be dropped this year! 1. Lorde - Melodrama Jun 16, 2017 Since the young New Zealand pop-star’s 2013 debut album, Pure Heroine, people have been blasting her catchy tunes at ironic tea parties and white college clubs. The album even garnered a cover from T-Pain’s hype-man while T-Pain got paid $30,000 to sit and drink bottled water at Hofstra’s very own Music Fest. Lorde has been showing some serious potential for this new album with the release of some new
singles, even if they are not as catchy as “Royals.” Global warming is also showing some serious potential in melting Greenland just enough that those world-ending diseases frozen in there may escape. Let’s hope we all die after we jam out to Lorde! 2. Spoon - Hot Thoughts March 17, 2017 Everyone knows that one Spoon song, “Underdog,” so everyone definitely wants another full album of music from them in 2017! The band may be older, but that does not mean they cannot keep up with the young Alternative bands of today. Also on the older side (by several hundreds of thousands of years) are those diseases under the largely Inuit populated island of Greenland that are definitely going to thaw. 3. Gorillaz - TBD This cartoon-turned-real person band has been MIA since 2012; nobody thought they were coming back, but here they are! Expect even more Snoop Dogg and more
features than ever before. There is sure to be no lack of their wacky music videos either. There is also no doubt in my mind that the frozen diseases under Greenland, once thawed, are capable of wiping out 99% of the population within one year. Being frozen for so long has given them a high resistance to antibiotics and the ability to transform fast. Be sure to groove to some Gorillaz as you slowly watch your family cough blood on each other! 4. Fleet Foxes - Crack Up June 16, 2017 We just had to include another animal-based band in this list; they just seem so plentiful these days! Fleet Foxes left their fans in the dust after their 2011 album Helplessness Blues. People thought they all died, but here they are again. They’re also gonna bring the original Seattle Folk style that fans have worshipped since their hiatus. After this album, they all will almost definitely die terribly painful deaths from those diseases under the (ironically-named)
Greenland. Be sure to listen to Crack Up as you contemplate all those diseases thawing and inevitably killing you.
and/or cries tears, killing himself and spreading the frozen (soon to be unfrozen) Greenland diseases to others.
5. Sky Ferreira Masochism - TBD This might be the year of the Indie-Pop Revolution! Sky Ferreira is a fierce and edgy pop musician who always does her own thing. Her album should once again bring her angsty and edgy vibes that her fans just adore. Her porcelainwhite skin will make it very difficult for doctors to notice when she has been infected by the diseases that are going to take her life sometime soon. However, it will be easy to tell when she starts coughing up the blood we are all bound to cough up eventually.
7. Some Country Music Who Cares These songs will come out in the summer, and I would not even give us until then to live. The diseases pent up in their frozen prison made-up of the largest non-continent island, Greenland, are itching to get their dirty hands on some animals, then humans. We will die before we hear the hottest country song of the year and there is no way around that.
6. Trey Songz - Tremaine - TBD Trey Songz comes out of the blue right when the world needs him. No one’s ever said “I hate Trey Songz” because everyone just sorta likes him. Maybe 2017 will be his comeback year, or maybe it will just be the year he coughs
2017 is sure to be a year full of new music, new experiences, and new diseases! These hot albums are sure to blow up the airways and the charts in the coming months, so be sure to start pre-ordering your copies. Also, be sure to watch out for those diseases! You may not be able to stop the apocalypse caused by them, but maybe you will be one of the 1% who is immune. Happy listening!