A 10 • March 31, 2017
@HOFSTRA
Nonsense
Hu mans of Hofstra
Markus Conway
Kathy Schaffer
W. Houston Dougharty
“I came to Hofstra because I couldn’t get into NYU. My grades were bad but my parents have a lot of money. My dad tried calling NYU to see if they needed any more donations, so I could get in, but that didn’t work out. Huh, come to think of it I guess you can’t just bribe your way through life, right? Wow. I’ve been having a lot of really deep revelations like that lately. I think coming to college has made me a better thinker. Like, the other day in my Philosophy course, which is, so dumb, we were talking about Immanual Kant. I don’t really know who that is, and his last name sure sounds like c***, but anyways none of that matters because I was texting my girlfriend in class, right? And she was like, trying to be mad at me for never talking to her and always having sex with other people, right? Typical stuff. So I texted her back and said “look dude, I’m in Philosophy class. My dad didn’t pay for me to come here so I could get drunk all the time and fuck you, I’m, like, supposed to be learning and getting smarter.” So I broke up with her, and I think that’s really helped me focus on getting smarter. Now, instead of texting her in that class, I’m talking to this hot Education Major with a really high GPA that I met at my Frat’s mixer. I feel like I’m on the road to being a real braniac here at Hofstra, and I couldn’t be happier. Also my car is made of gold.”
“Yeah, I’m a professor, but I didn’t sit at home as a child thinking Wow! One day I get to be a professor. It never happens like that. Every day, same old s***, day in, day out. [mumbles] But yeah, when it comes down to it, I’m sick of teaching, and my students are sick of learning. They don’t pay 60,000 a year to go here or anything? You’d think they have the f****** ability to stay off their phones for an hour. There’s this one kid in my 2:00 class and oh my – nevermind. Can I tell you how little people care about Faulkner? God, all anybody cares about anymore are those hippie-dippie- Transcendentalists. Emerson isn’t going to help you get a job, you know. I thought I was going to be an actor. I had eyes for the big stage, but the big stage didn’t have eyes for me. I always thought, maybe one day. Oh, how I miss being young. What time is it? Oh Christ, off to my 12:40 I go. Thanks for this.”
“You see this nice drawing of me? I had it commissioned with University funds. Stuart thought I should have gone after something a little more ritzy, but I’m a classic man with simple tastes, you know? Also, after buying tickets to go see the Seahawks with University funds, I gotta be careful how much I spend! It’s just plain rude, and a total abuse of my position! I mean, spending that money is just so totally inconsiderate to the people in accounting who have to figure out a smart way to make it look good on paper. That’s unfair of me to do to them multiple times a semester. Just every now and then to keep their minds sharp, you know? Oh, uh, and my interests are the Pride Principles and Hofstra’s Community Standards. Make sure you write that one down. And cut all the other stuff, it’s totally unnecessary. Have a nice day, we’re so glad to have you as a part of our vibrant, diverse community! Oh, definitely make sure you include that last part in there, it makes me sound so good.”