Stuart Rabinowitz Last Words From Dakar
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I assumed I misheard Rabbi Stewman and continued to try to seduce him. “I have no gag reflex,” I shouted. “I want a new iPhone!” He started digging deep into his pockets like he was jacking off, which was the intended effect of course. “What are you doing?” I asked hopefully. He took out his solid gold calculator and crunched some numbers. “Just making sure you’re still a piece of shit… Oh yes, appears so.” He showed me the calculator. Number 69. Hurt and shocked, I decided to just leave but then under his breath I heard him say “Finally, one less hoe.” Angry, I turned around and shouted “I’m gonna post about this on my Facebook so everyone can see how you really are!” Stevie Nicks Rabinowitz just chuckled a hearty chuckle, like Santa Clause after he’s consumed a live baby right in front of its horrified mother, and said “You can throw that shit up on the internet if you want to but you’re probably gonna look like a huge cunt.” Then he threw a trashcan at me and said, “Get in.” Humiliated, I put my pants back on and rushed out of the door so he wouldn’t see the tears smear my mascara. I know a lot of you will think I’m making this up, and honestly I wish I was, but this is the truth! Stuart “Pickles” Rabinowitz made me lose a lot of Hofstra Pride that day and I’m going to sue him for child support. Thank you for reading this.
By Dakar Morris I recently met the president of Hofstra University, Stuart Rabinowitz, and I was shocked by what happened. I had never met a president before so I thought he would be just like Obama except less sexy and more respected because he’s white. At the very least I thought he could be my new sugar daddy. When I got to the 58,000 dollar meet and greet, I walked up and tried to shake Strupart Rappin’-o-wit’s hand but he pulled away and muttered “Great, another Dempster baby.”
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