Hofstra Health and Wellness Center Fall Newsletter
Hello Hofstra students and faculty! Cold weather often brings with it a slew of health problems but luckily a team of qualified medical professionals at your Health and Wellness Center, all of whom earned their degrees at the prestigious DeVry University, are ready to help you get better. Recently, there’s been an outbreak of what is known in the scientific community as the Hofstra Shits. Although not life-threatening, this food-borne illness can cause immense discomfort for everyone involved. Here’s everything you need to know: What is it? Have you ever seen that scene in Dumb and Dumber where Harry is in the bathroom and the melted chocolate in his pocket gets all over the walls? Or the scene in Candyman where she wakes up covered in blood and the dog’s head is cut off and the friend is shrieking because her baby is missing? It’s exactly like that…but with poop. How do I know if I have it? You’re going to want to make sure you have the Hofstra Shits and not just plain old boring explosive diarrhea. Put a diaper on (please) and go to Dutch Treats. Purchase a $6 container of ice cream but before you pay, tell the cashier you think the price is ridiculous because well, it is. Eat it and use the container to collect a stool sample. Then, drop the sample off outside the SGA office. They’ll (taste) test it (probably) and get back to you with the results. What are my treatment options? Once it has been confirmed that you do in fact have the Hofstra Shits, you have two treatment options. You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill, you stay in wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes. How can I prevent myself from getting the Hofstra Shits? Don’t eat the food here, fam. Quick tips: ● If you’re shitting your brains out remember to stay hydrated. Pull a Bear Grylls and drink your own piss! ● Wear your roommate’s shoes when you go to the bathroom. That way your identity and reputation are protected when you fart extremely loud. ● Having the Hofstra Shits can make farting in public a real gamble. Not only will it probably sound like an elephant calling for its mother, but also there’s a 99% chance it won’t be a dry fart. So like, hold it in. Have a wonderful and safe year,
Lara Susman Lara Susman Wellness Center Doctor PHD in Doctor Graduated Bottom of Her Class, DeVry University
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