1
14 +
F
or the majority of his life, Ludacris’s only affiliation with Hofstra University was hanging with Hofstra Hoes and getting some Hofstra Head (he still continues the practice of hooking up with Hofstra Hoes even though he contracted the Hofstra Red). This all—well, not all, the Hofstra Red won’t leave till you’re Hofstra Dead—but most of this changed when Luda came to Hofstra for the fall festival of ‘15. Luda had just finished his performance and was feeling his Hofstra Pride. Meaning, after the concert he met some Hofstra Hoes and took some Hofstra Heroin – that’s about as far as his Hofstra Pride went that night. Nonetheless, Luda was having a good time, I mean, he wasn’t a mathematician, but he knew Hofstra Hoes plus Hofstra Heroin equaled Hofstra Happiness. It was simple algebra or something. Anyway Luda got some Hofstra Head (and three more girls got the Hofstra Red). The next morning Luda awoke and had found, to his dismay, that one of the Hofstra Hoes was indeed a Hofstra Bro. Luda then knew he had to change up his life. This was the third time he had done that with a man and he was on Hofstra grounds now where he could be fined for that kind of stuff and he certainly did not want to go to Pastor Rabinowitz’s “special super fun camp”. Luda wanted to transform his life but he wasn’t sure how. He was sick of all the meaningless sex (especially when it made him doubt the very nature of who he was), and he felt something was missing from his life. Anyway, Luda left that Hofstra Hoe’s dorm a confused man. He was lost. No—like he was literally lost, he had no fucking clue where he was. But it was soon after that, that he found Jesus – the janitor – and he told him the way
intrigued by Christianity. He even considered becoming a priest but decided against it once he realized he wasn’t interested in children that way. Then he was turned on to Judaism. But he didn’t want no one messing with his foreskin so he dropped that idea. He even thought of converting to Islam. But considering his birthday was September 11th, the connection was not in his favor. So he dropped that idea too. Luda knew he was moved by God and felt a new spirituality within him – or perhaps it was the Hofstra shits. Either way, he wasn’t sure what religion spoke to him the most. He was sitting on a bench, trying to figure out what religious faith he belonged to, when blowing in the wind, rather originally actually, was a Buddha statue. Luda was moved by the Buddha. No like he was literally slapped by it, shit knocked him out. When he awoke, The Buddha statue was on top of him, the statue’s eyes staring into him. It reminded Luda of that Hofstra bro he had been with a while ago, which freaked him out (or really turned him on, he couldn’t tell), so he shoved the Buddha off in a hurry. Luda stopped for a moment. It was then that he realized he was meant to convert to Buddhism. So, Luda converted to Buddhism. As a result of his religious conversion, he recently changed his rapper name to “Buddhacris”*. Buddhacris is currently the only Buddhist rapper and I don’t believe that is going to change at any point. He is currently continuing his spiritual journey in the religious studies program here at Hofstra University. Luda finally feels like he has a home and that home is a Hofstra Home.
Luda Remains By Zach Klebaner
off campus and back to his hotel. But on his way back, something happened to Luda that changed his life. Blowing in the wind rather conveniently and stereotypically was a flyer for Hofstra’s religious studies program. Luda then knew what he had to do. He was going to become a deeply religious man. He was done with all the drugs and all the worthless sex, he was going to change… his clothes, and then he was going to change in like a deeply personal or spiritual way. So Luda changed his clothes at the hotel and came back to Hofstra’s campus. He then placed a huge deposit down and enrolled into Hofstra University in the religious studies program. Luda then began studying all the major religions. He was greatly
15