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ents: d u t S l l A o t e A Messag

e here at Hofstra University have realized that we forgot to mention one very important staple of information during the time that we were so thirstily sucking your dicks for a deposit. And cab fare. You see, we want you to be healthy. We really do. Why else would Hof USA, the Student Center, the multiple Starbucks and Au Bon Pain be the primary sources of nourishment on campus? We were just testing to see if YOU were going to make the healthy choices. But we forgot to mention the fact that half of what goes into our food are laxatives. That’s half. So if you have a burger from Hof USA and ate it (which, what the fuck is wrong with you, first off) you’d be eating half burger, or so they say, and half laxatives. Still not understanding it? Well there’s the chinese food from the student center, right? If you eat it, that’s two percent milk, nine percent uncooked rice, one percent pubic hair, sixteen percent chicken (which is itself is 45% human growth hormone), ten percent pork, three percent broccoli, eighteen percent mystery meat, six percent super special secret sauce, four percent Hofstra meal plan points and fifty percent

The Followers of Dionysus

Bringing that devil may care aesthetic to Hofstra, The Followers of Dionysus are here. Sporting clothes drenched in sweat and vomit, smelling of Four Loko, these thirsty youngsters are just looking for a good time. So if you are looking for a time you probably won’t remember, look no further because this is what you’re looking for.

The Children of Baphomet

We all know that black is coming back this year and so do The Children. These stylish hell spawn worshipping heathens dawning fabulous black robes and a fetching pentagram carved in their chests know how to keep it classy. Keep up with the hot trends of beheading your enemies and selling your immortal soul for earthly pleasures—this club is heading for the big times. So if you’re looking to fulfill your dream, simply sacrifice a goat, chant the Hofstra almamater and join The Children of Baphomet.

By Charle s Bukka ke

Relax(atives)

laxatives. (Well, it’s more like seventy-five percent laxatives in this case but whatever; who’s counting?) So why are we here at Hofstra University doing this? Well for $60,000 a year tuition you bet your sweet ass it’ll be properly cleansed for all of the fucking we will surely be doing. We here at Hofstra University value the health of your colon probably more than you do. One senior says “It just gets easier each time it happens. You just learn to expect it after awhile”. See? You’ll get used to it, it just takes thirty-six months of literal gutwrenching stomach pains and shattering the porcelain palace with a force inversely proportional to the strength of Freshens’ Cajun Ranch dressing a few times before you learn to love us. Also we could use some extra, unused, spare, etc. internal organs for our anatomy department. NOT for the Hofstra black market (or the Hofstra blue and gold market™, as we call it) So if you have any near-death experiences on the toilet, and you find a half ruptured, or fuck, even a fully ruptured organ (we don’t give a shit, unlike you. Literally) please submit that to us post-haste. By arragan B r le y T

1. You won’t feel the perpetual ass-fuck of our tuition due to how numb your withered anuses will be 2. You will shit blood. 3. It’s pretty cool :^) 4. You won’t need to go through an experimental phase of wondering what something feels like in your ass 5. Because I said so There. Now can you all stop fucking posting the same joke on Yik Yak? We get that we here at Hofstra University can be a huge pain in the ass (pun VERY intended) but you’ll get over it. No you won’t. But soon enough, your entrails will cover the cost of most of the Pantone squares on the Communications building. Win-win.

Hofstra’s 5

s t l u C t s e t t o H

Stuart’s Goblin Army

It seems our President Stuart “Rootin Tootin” Rabinowitz himself has been instrumental in the foundation of this cult. Stuart’s Goblin Army is hitting the scene in style; sporting that business casual look with blazers and converse with pockets overflowing with embezzled club funds. These cute red skinned, sharp tusked little buggers are so devoted Goblin King Stuart Rabinowitz that they get their foreskin sewed back on to resemble their leader. So if you’re ready to be replaced by a little red imp monster and spend the rest of your time here at Hofstra locked away in the dungeon of Hofstra Hall then run for election into Stuart’s Goblin Army!

Also, there are several reasons as to why these bowel battles ultimately benefit you.

Nonsense Humor

Hofstra Versus Zombies

HVZ, need I say more, these guys know how to bring glamour back to Hofstra. Of course to really get to know these guys you best be in HVZ because they tend to stick together. Keeping it hip in their fedoras, face paint, and those absolutely dashing Attack on Titan capes these guys take to Hofstra’s campus in a big way. Even if you don’t know them personally they’ll make sure to let you know they’re there because those nerf darts are going to hit you if the members don’t run into you first. So if you’re ready to have the whole campus look at you, remember your face, and avoid you at all costs, join HVZ.

If self-indulgence were style, these kicky youngsters would be Jacqueline Onassis. Dressed in the finest silks that probably have their club name on them or something, these kids sure know how to let you know they exist. Super meta, self-aware, and never self-aggrandizing try-hards, these people are the best known cult on campus—breaking the paradigm what it really means to be a cult. Traditionally, cults are meant to be secretive, so shouting about boners on the unispan dressed like an indie rock singer may seem counterproductive.