SGA’s Steps to Maintaining Professional Relationships with Clubs
6. As a true politician, your claims shouldn’t be substantiated by much. Just stand up, avoid eye contact, and projectile shit, right out of your mouth-hole. Show these stoners that you’re capable of criticism and good at rejecting any feelings of empathy. Maybe your wealthy, absent parents will love you one day. 7. When a club has recently made an effort to care about things, use VIGOR and DEFIANCE to tell them that they don’t care—while you look t the floor for support! If you can’t see the scary people with piercings and colored hair, then they can’t see you! 8. Refuse these delinquents any items they might need (i.e. one fucking goddamn mothershitting printer). You need to spend this money on wholesome, moral things, like red carpets and glitter.
1. Before talking to a club, already make up your mind about what course of action to take. For example, let’s just say you’re short, female, have black curly hair, and are on the SGA board whilst discussing kicking a beloved humor magazine out of their office. You should definitely go into a meeting thinking “I want them out of that office.” 2. Always wear expensive suits and adopt a patronizing tone. You are already an elected member of Congress. (Be sure not to scratch your Gucci loafers on the red carpet they roll out for you! Mommy and Daddy paid a lot for their little ickle-Senator-kins!) 3. If there were prior issues with ineffective leaders of the club, now is the perfect time to take them out on the current members! Make these fucking potheads pay, and like a true Congressmen, never hesitate to hold a grudge! 4. It is essential to delay the whole process by voting to vote on whether you can vote to debate about voting for a debate about whether or not it’s alright to vote for a debate about the club on trial. Waste as much time as possible. 5. When allowing the club a mere five minutes to make their case, ask the same question multiple times. Continue to ignore the answer. Repeat until satisfied. 8
NONSENSE: The SGA Issue
9. Stress the length of relatively small periods of time by inserting meaningless anecdotes about your own life. They need to know how hard it was not seeing your girlfriend for a few weeks. If these hooligans can’t all magically transport back to Hofstra to move a micro-fridge while you deal with the aching pains of a heart broken by distance, then by all that is virtuous they deserve to lose their office! 10. Weigh your options. Who needs the office more? You, or these grimy mafiosos? SGA always needs more offices, clubs are disposable! Honestly, where else are you going to put all that red carpet and $7,000 of glitter?! 11. In fact, do clubs even need offices? Like, really, why can’t everyone just hold their loud, important meetings in quiet places like the library, or Hammer lab. These goons are probably just doing rails of cocaine in there anyways, why don’t you just give all the offices to yourself?! Picture it now! Racks on racks on racks of Armani suits and cuff-links! Endless cabinets of shoe polish! Enough red carpet to follow you wherever you go! A place to store all of the money you don’t allocate to clubs, arranged as a cash-sculpture to trickle-down economics!