SGA LOSES THEIR OFFICE
By: Andy Quote
I am incensed! How could Rabinowitz do this to us? How could he kick SGA out of our office? I gotta loosen my tie. My neck gets sweaty when I get stressed out and I don’t want to get a neck diaper rash like the last time my tootight collar encroached on my expanding neck fat and I sweated out. What the hell am I going to do? Student Government Association is clearly the most important organization on campus. Why, we control almost all the other student organizations! We control them with a hammy iron fist! I can’t believe our lawyerpresident deemed us unworthy of our office space. His reasons are bullshit, too. Who says we can’t have multiple offices? We use one mainly for chillin’. Discussin’ fashion tips. Discussin’ how to use “n’ ” instead of “ing” at the end of words to make us sound more “relatable” and “actually human.” Writin’ emails to clubs and makin’ up reasons why they have to get out of their office. The usual. The second office we use for eating (oops, I meant “eatin ”) lunch. Lunch, dinner, cocktails. You name it. We have a big ol banquet table. Technically it’s in the hallway with the small clubs offices and even though we are by NO means a small club we like to chill in there to let those underlings know we’re watching. Watchin’. Sometimes we hold hearings in there too.
LMAO at the last hearing we had bunch of stupid fucking hipsters tried to tell us that they needed an office so they could use the speaker system to blast Gangnam Style and make dick jokes all day. I mean, we could totally fit at least 3 clubs into our lunch office. Why would we give up our cozy lunch nook when we could piss off a bunch of cool kids instead? Protip: If you’re insecure like I am and the cool kids laugh at you (maybe because of a neck rash-related issue WHICH IS OUT OF YOUR CONTROL, IT’S A GLANDULAR ISSUE), make your way to a position of power. Then even though the cool and hot kids make fun of you, you can still screw them over with bureaucracy! Those used to be the days. But in the eyes of our lawyerpresident, our actions have been “unconstitutional”, “oppressive”, “totalitarian”, and “just fucking ignorant” Now me and my colleagues will have to eat at cafeteria tables like commoners. Like plebeians. Oh god I’m getting sweaty again. I can’t have my suit getting all mildewy again! My brand new pocket square will be ruined! I can’t stand for this. I can’t wait until I’m lawyerpresident of this college so I have my own office. I’m gonna deck it out in cardboard holiday decorations and use it for my own personal masturbation closet. That’s what Nonsense Humor Magazine did when they got allocated our old offices, anyway. I was always jealous of them. Issue 156, February 2014
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