I ‘m a Doctor, Now Shut Up and Eat your Cigarettes! by Brandon Allen
In this article, I, Dr. Stratatoski Von Hindenververdonsaxon will be discussing the various things you should be doing but aren’t. Are you experiencing any of the following: -The need to breathe constantly? -Cravings for food and water? -Dying? (Inside???) -Dying? (Outside???) -Dying? (sideways)!?! Well this is a comprehensive list of everything you need to do. Now, please, do not say to me “but doctor”, no! I am doctor, this means I am automatically right. First, here is a list of things which one should avoid, ALWAYS! Trust me!
• Spices: Spices are horrible for you. Do you know where spices come from, that’s right, NOT ENGLAND, and anything from Not England can’t be good. Except for tea… and coffee… cotton… cocaine… especially cocaine! • Being insane: Being insane is no good for anyone, especially our perfect Industrial Age society. So don’t be insane, don’t worry, this is easy if you aren’t insane. • Fruits and vegetables: No… just no. Meat, bread, sewer water, tea. All you need, none of this “fresh fruits”, tomfoolery! • Mercury: Mercury bad! Case closed! Now is the list of all the proper things that are essential for a healthy life in
the era where people believe that cocaine is good for you!
1. Mercury: The human body has mercury, at least all of those children that came to my office did, and by god, that means that the body needs mercury! Lots of it! Mercury is metal, iron is metal, iron is in blood, gold is metal, and gold is good, so Mercury go to brain! Huff mercury, line hats with mercury, and eat some lead while you’re at it! 2. Electricity: Several tests in my basement have shown that one must have a healthy amount of electricity running through body. Are you man who is impotent? Come to my basement! Are you woman who is acting strangely? Come to my basement! Are your children acting strangely? Send them to my basement, maybe they need cocaine! Is the pet dog acting weird, send him to my basement! Actually, I want only electrocute the dog. I don’t like dogs. 3. Cocaine! Cocaine is good. I am using cocaine. I feel good. Cocaine! Body ache? Cocaine! Soul ache? Cocaine! Drug addiction? Cocaine! Make soda with it, go directly into nose, inject into spinal chord! I could really go for some coke rn…
4. Radium: Recently found glowing in the depths of- ahem! Uh, Radium uses the new science of radiation! This is essentially light that causes your cells to change and mutate uncontrollably. If that doesn’t sound like healing, I don’t know what is, which I do! Because I am Dr. Stratotki Van Hindervenverdersaxon! Look at that medical license I got at the barbershop! My graduate school, the butcher’s shop, made sure I know to cut the people open AFTER they’re sedated! 5. Anus: Lastly, one absolutely MUST have strong anus! You must make your anus tight. This is the best way to combat cholera! If anyone comes to you with that “boiling and filtering” the water or, “just drink clean water instead” hornswogglery, give them a punch in the eye from Dr. Stratosphere Von Hindenburg Saxophone, that’s me! How do you tighten the anus you may ask? I have formulated a simple exercise. Clench! You must clench the anus! 1 2 3 5, four hours a day, this coupled with everything else listed will assure you are glowing with health (and not only because of the radium!). (But seriously you want some coke?)
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