5 “Germs” That Definietly Can’t Kill Me by Jordan Hopkins
What say you, old sawbones? This thing that ails me is called A ““germ””? I know her not! Do you think me a fool, surgeon? This is the year of our Lord 1881 after all! We are male, English, and invincible! Absolute codswallop, I should say, and I will! That a creature no bigger than a mite of the finest Indian cocaine could ever assail a virile and taut man of good social standing such as myself is ridiculous. I find myself so incensed as to pen such a missive, a complete and taxonomical listing of such “”germ””s and how easily I would dispatch such vagabonds. What ho, onwards to the listicle! 1. The Flu A flu vaccine? The ailment of children, old fogies, cuckolds? I should think not! My
humors are well-protected by my European countenance, I fear no reprisal from such imaginary bugs. Any such demon of the blood can be easily dispatched by proper application of gunpowder and opium. Nice try, partisans! 2. Smallpox A cough derived from cows, nothing more! Such silliness is beyond the worth of my time, really. I shall simply strangle each cow to death with my callused aristocratic hands, and all will be well. I will eradicate this “germ”, if even they do truly exist, and as such save all of Europe from this weakling’s ailment. And think of all the excess beef for the starving vagrants! I will be hailed a hero, surely. There is little to no way this could backfire.
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3. Louis Pasteur himself The man behind the mask! The “germ”-peddler Pasteur will be no match for my battle-hardened fists. I will surely teach him not to play on the fears of the commoners solely to sell his hot milk! Truly foolish. I’ll kick the shit out of him, I don’t give a fuck. bitch 4. The French HA!