65 Long Years of Trying to Make Steam Happen By Peter Soucy
In 1698, I found myself losing my vision and lung capacity in a bleak coal mine called “The Anus of England.” I watched as water was taken out from above by a single bucket attached by chain to an iron box powered by steam. This was the sheer power of the first steam engine. It blew my mind, and then it blew up the mine. Everyone died, but God brought me back to life. He had a Plan for Me. He said, “Thomas Poohs, you are my servant and my wife’s brother (ed. note: long story), go out and preach the word of steam, which is my piss, but even warmer.” I told God I would devote my life to steam, and I did. He told me I would never die until steam happened. I tried all over England, in the coal mines, in London, and in the other, worse coal mines. Everyone thought that steam was the Devil’s piss, but I assured them that this piss was of the
Lord. Everyone just kept saying it was too hot to be God’s piss because God has the bladder of a cold-blooded Argentine Horn Frog, but I told them that God was a cold-blooded Argentine Horn Frog, but with the bladder of a border collie. Everyone kept throwing tomatoes and tomatoes filled with rocks at me. I finally reached to God for help in 1763. My body was thoroughly damaged from tomato rocks, but my lats and/or tri’s were totally shredded from carrying a steam engine around for 65 years. God told me to go to the promised land of his people: Scotland. By the time I reached Scotland, both my ears had been stolen and someone glued all my hair to the palms of my hands. I was a man without hope, hair...or ears, still carrying a very large and extremely hot steam engine. I finally came upon a man named James Watt, who told me my engine sucked
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and killed me on the spot. God then reincarnated me into James’ body, and we lived as a single human body with two souls stuck inside it for far too long, but at least being able to fuck all the time without anyone knowing was pretty cool. With our two souls together we were able to swim twice as fast and also invent a “crankshaft” for our engine. We called it a crankshaft because the word is funny. With the crankshaft we could turn a wheel in a circular motion, but that is as far as we have gotten. I guess this is the end of the line for the coal powered steam engine. An automated wheel could never replace a horse-drawn carriage. A wheel without a horse is like a body and soul without an extra soul—super fucked up if you think about it. I’ll never make steam happen! I am cursed to immortality!