Ways to go REALLY Fast By Lizzie Frank
Are you tired of moving soooooo fucking slow? Missing a limb or two? Down in the dumps ever since you were born with clinical depression decades before SSRIs were invented? Point is, you need to go fast, or “gast,” as I refer to it, a shorthand abbreviation that’s much quicker, as it combines two short words into one even shorter word. Well, look no further. I have a job that I made up myself, called speed-ologist, and I have dedicated all 26 years of my very long life to the study of gast (just a reminder: that’s a fast way of saying “go fast”). This document will function as a compilation of all the best ways known to Man to gast. Good luck gasting, my friends!
Car
This is the #1 way to gast. It’s simple, effective, and bad for the environment! If you can bodysnatch enough corpses to afford a nice Nissan Altima, you can get basically anywhere on paved roads. Shit, do we have paved roads yet? Shit do we have Nissan Altimas? Do we even have cars? Why did you let me get this far into the description! That took so much time, and for what? This entire paragraph is a total gast fail. Now it’s a gslow (go slow, in case you couldn’t figure that one out, or figthat1ut, as I would say).
Run
Have you tried running? Well you should. It is very fast. I will warn you, you must have two working legs to participate in this gast method. Unless you are a dog or some other quadruped, in which case you will need four working legs, as the term “quadruped” suggests, quad meaning four, and ruped meaning leg. Running is very simple; it is just like walking except faster. Some might call it “the gaster’s version of walking.” I call it that. I’m the one who thought of that, for the record.
HUGE bird…
I’m talking a fucking massive bird If neither driving (no car) nor running (no legs) are available for you, this is the next best thing. Try to find a HUGE bird… I’m talking a fucking massive bird that could lift you tenderly off the ground and carry you gently in its massive talons to wherever you need to go. Pros: Very fast. Cons: almost impossible to find a big enough bird these days, and even if you do, you might get accidentally shredded in its talons. Also, no way to steer. You gast but you just kind of end up where you end up. But challenge builds character - and so does getting hopelessly lost in the woods, losing blood at a furious pace. From the talon wounds, of course. But don’t worry ladies, there are still ways you can gast! Unfortunately, activities like driving, running, and being flown around by a HUGE bird… I’m talking a fucking massive bird just aren’t ladylike, and if you attempt them you will be placed under arrest. Still need to gast? Here are all the ways a “Woman” can fulfill her need for speed!
Broomstick. The end!
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