Owning the Partisans From My Hot Air Balloon By Jordan Hopkins
Ladies and gentlemen of the magistrate, thank you for having me here today. There’s been a lot of misinformation, and while that may have been my only intention literally the whole time, I certainly did not mean and could never possibly have expected things to go wrong. Things don’t go wrong for me, you see. Even when I crashed my rich uncle’s carriage full speed into my other rich uncle’s butterfly observatory, the police were quite kind and understanding, and even filled up my pint before they sent me on my way! So you must truly understand just how little thought I put into the consequence of my actions. I believe this absurd level of ignorance totally absolves me of any guilt, no collusion, thank you! I must say the whole thing is ridiculous, your honor. Are we not a society of reason, of logic? Do we not value free speech above all else? I argue that there is no more important man in any society than he who speaks the truth, he who stands on the soap box in the center of the town square, foaming at the mouth like a man possessed, screaming conspiracy theories at unaccompanied child laborers. That vagabond is the foundation of our own democracy. I am that vagaband. You are
that vagabond. We are all...that vagabond. So when my highly customized “Grand Aerial Navigator”™ arrived in the post early before my third tea, I must say I was ecstatic. Finally, a chance to see Paris from the air! And at a measly 135 pounds! Why, I could purchase several tons of bread for such a fair price. But instead I bought a hot air balloon. Finally, I had an appropriate outlet with which to extoll the free speech the rich and powerful are afforded. And it is my god given right to scream my opinions from the safety of the air like a highly annoying bird of prey. Nothing angers me more than partisans, your honor. First of all, they’re “workers”, which I have absolutely no emotional energy for. I know you members of the court have experienced the constant harassment of the laboring class, and their calls for ”””””bread””””” and ””””due process”””””. These liberals are not due anything! Only we, those divinely ordained with wealth and wary of its evils, can handle the responsibility of defending the people from dangerous new technologies, such as hair dryers or canned food. It would be my greatest pleasure to dispel the knowledge of their plight to
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them, as they are clearly incapable of doing it themselves, the poor devils. So it was up to me to impart my freedom onto them. Still to this day I cannot understand their ire, my lord. I know the truth is difficult to take, especially when it’s being screamed at you by a rich man on the internet hot air balloon. But I did not account for them screaming back, your honor. The most horrible things - you should feel bad for me, honestly! I’ve clearly done nothing to deserve this. And the tomatoes were a bridge too far. These peasants were stifling my free speech! I think they should be the ones on trial, to be honest. I’m really just asking for my balloon back. Who’s free speech do you really care about, mine or theirs?