Interview Interview With With aa Guy Guy Who’s Who’s Not Not aa Vampire... Vampire... By Brandon Allen I write this now as a precautionary tale. I have equipped myself with knowledge imparted from arcane songs of old. What I have done on this night was something which no fool, nay, no fool nor nobleman nor nine inch nail nor nickleback fan would dare to bring themselves face to face with what I’ve witnessed... also Vampire Weekend. I am a biographer and recently I was asked to go and speak with a music composer in the Carpanthians as to the night of his house burning. As I entered the strange land of Transylvania via some form of horrific metal bird, he was already awaiting my arrival, no doubt by use of his supernatural precognitive abilities. Clad in some bizarre, darkened spectacles and a black coat of leather, he gazed at me fixedly.
He continued on, prattling as if I would believe this facade. I watched as he so boldly poured the red substance right before me, imbibing it as a means of intimidation before continuing, also, I could faintly smell the scent of tomatoes but I am certain still that was unrelated...
Vladimir Von Drake: Uhhh, nice cape dude... [Using his vampiric wiles in an attempt to seduce me no doubt...]
I to he: Please, tell me more of this “FIEER”, please. [Me not know what fire, unless storm gods make angry at trees]
I to him: You’ll not take me you scourge of the night...
The fucking Vampire: Yes, well, um, I was the only survivor... we didn’t want to live next to that pyrotechnics engineer, but dad said the property value made the house a steal. I miss when he and my sister and I would go- WHAT THE HELL BRO!
Vladimir Von Drake: Huh? Hang on let me turn off the tv. [Of course, he was attempting to steal my soul with this dastardly “T-V”, his long black hair resting by his shoulders...] Von Drake: Now, yes, it was horrible, my, my family, they all died in the fire that nightI to he: Aha! Because your family was being tried for witchcraft! And the villagers burned your house down, but you escaped because of your dark powers! Von Drak: What? Wha-What? Um, you need something to drink before we start? I to he: Do you have... garlic milk!!! Vampire Dude: Um... no?
VD: I survived because my sister managed to break open the kitchen window... the last thing I heard her say wa- did? Did you just throw a piece of garlic at me? [And indeed, I did throw a piece of garlic at him, alas, this strange Nosferatu’s nose knows to give noes to my garlic cloves. I follow MY nose sir! And I know for a fact, the undead say no to garlic cloves, look at his nose... nose look like garden hose. Y’get me?]
As I dashed the holy water I stole from that church bathroom in his face, I could see this vampire was now enraged, yet he still stood there before me, my heart raced now. The monster removed his black leather coat and darkened spectacles to reveal eyes burning with hell fire! Pretty sure he’s a vampire: You know what, get the hell out of my house! Get back on your plane and just go! I’m done with this interview. I stabby Dracula: What is this “plane” you speak of!?!
17
I jumped at him and with the steak I cooked for dinner last night, I vanquished this... this tyrant of the night! This dark hooligan! This, this... man who sucks blood in a non sexual though sometimes sexual way and turns into a bat sometimes! I cannot tell a lie, I’m running out of names to call him. Dracula: What the hell is wrong with you! I held my cape over my face, to shield mine self from this scourge of darkness. No blood sucky: Die vampire! Man’s not Vampire?: What! You think I’m a vampire! I am idiot: Wait, you’re not? Regular guy: What! I came here with you from the airport this morning! Vampires don’t exist you idiot! Literally, why: Hi ho! Then what be that fandanglous implementation which protrudes from thine pochette? Oh...: Ummm, I won’t lie I’m kind of into this right now... Consequently I was relieved of my position at the Eastern Eastern European Editorial, or E-E-E...E! as we had so abbreviated it. Perhaps using this new genre of music which has modeled itself from the geological formation of minerals does not the best research material make for the supernatural. I’ve considered now, that perhaps, this man was indeed, a guy who isn’t a vampire...