By the Heavens! Society?!
the ritual should be complete then. Let us accompany our guest so we may witness the dawn of a new era.” “I don’t mean to be disrespectful, but we can’t exactly witness dawn when it only just got dark out, and I literally just climbed all those stairs.” “Worry not, dearest companion. We won’t ever be needing stairs again in the future I’ve secured.” The duo eventually reached the room that Inspector Horny found, obviously getting lost along the way as well. Inspector Horny held a horrified expression, reading through ancient tomes that spoke of a cursed icon with green hair and paper-white skin, along with a new race of improved humans; Gamers, they were called. “You were never meant to find this room, Inspector,” said Jones, holding a gun at the hip like old-timey gun owners probably did. Startled, Horny spun around, still holding a terrified expression. “You seem frightened. Don’t worry, I only wish to improve the human condition...starting with the elimination of people like you.” “Sexy people?!” “Cops, Inspector, cops. You see, Jones is my name but it is my last name. My first name is ACAB. You may henceforth refer to me as ACAB Jones.” Lightning struck, signalling a literal thunderous applause from nature itself. “I must know, ACAB Jones... why did you do it? Why did you take the life of an innocent person I was never able to find because your house is so fucking hard to navigate?” “That there is your first well - that right there is one of many mistakes you’ve made, Horny. Neither myself nor my sexually appetizing assistant killed anybody ever and please don’t criticizing my house, its complexity makes it fun.”
by Ariel Leal “It would appear there is a murder afoot! And I, Inspector Chaddeus Horny, will get to the bottom of it!” exclaimed the devilishly sultry Inspector. Horny stood in front of a roaring fireplace wearing a groovy coat; wearing only a groovy coat, accompanied by leather slippers. To be perfectly honest, Inspector Horny hadn’t the faintest idea how this particular destination was reached. Horny only remembered ripping a fat ass hit of opium surrounded by loved ones. “Actually, mate, the murder’s already happened and tweren’t just the foot but the whole bloody body,” interjected a disembodied voice down the corridor. “The body was bloodied?” “No you blasted idiot, I just meant the body as a whole!” the voice grew nearer. “The body’s in a hole…?” “Oh for chrissake…” sighed the voice, now appearing in the doorway in the shape of a strapping young creature equipped with blonde eyes, blue hair, and a chippendale uniform. “Look, mate, since Jones instructed me never to leave this estate and telephones haven’t been invented yet and you’re the only other person in
a five meter radius, would you mind...I dunno...dealing with this whole murder business? The body’s next to the boiler downstairs, down the long corridor, through the chartreuse door, second hallway to the left, aquamarine door, through the short corridor and then it’ll be the three doors down.” “Three Doors Down! Who knew an American rock band from Escatawpa, Mississippi could be involved with a murder?!” Inspector Horny darted down the unnecessarily complicated path to the boiler room, obviously getting lost along the way. The chippendale paused for a moment before walking back down the long, dark corridor and reaching the stairs that would eventually connect with the top of the tower, where his master conducted a series of alluring experiments and unfortunate events. “Jones,” the chippendale whined, out of breath from the climb. “We’ve got another one... stupid as they come...brain fried from constant consumption of opium.” “A figure of authority?” asked a particularly sexy voice from behind the piles of dead horses. “An inspector no less…” “Perfect. The ingredients for
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“If not you...of course! The books! You’ve been using these dark rituals to gradually shatter the very fabric of our dimension, allowing one particular entity to poke through occasionally and kill! That explains the weird anachronisms and absurdities in this article! My only question is...which entity?” ACAB Jones motioned to the book Inspector Horny was holding, unable to suppress a grin. Inspector Horny read the cover and dropped the book in sheer terror. “By the heavens! Society?!” “You see, Inspector Horny, without cops, the world must adhere to some type of structure. I think this one would be rather sexy, and with that, I will now take your life.” “No, wait! I’m only a food inspec-” but it was too late. ACAB Jones, the clear hero of this story, pelted the pistol at Inspector Horny’s forehead, resulting in an instant and shockingly gory death. Horny’s blood spilled onto the pages of the book while ACAB Jones and the chippendale watched in horror. The ritual had been corrupted, and their plan compromised. Instead of eliminating cops, there were double across the globe. Weed became illegal, Gamers became subject to humiliation, and cell phones were invented. Society became a malicious growth that spread across the cosmos, leaving only capitalism in its wake. No one was saved. It is said that Society continues to infect the universe at large and it wouldn’t be a stretch to say that we still live in one.