s r e m r a F h s i d Scandinavian Ra Why
Didn't
(and Don't)
Have a Problem With
Pol Pot
By Olof Georg Albriechtingnenienarigo
M
y name is Olof Georg Albriechtingnenienarigo. I am thirty-seven years old, and I farm radishes on my radish farm. I have a wife (Liljon Stina Albriechtingnenienarigo) and seventeen (17) children named Bjørg, or some variation thereof. This is an introduction about me, Olof Georg Albriechtingnenienarigo I am politically incorrect, and this piece is about me being politically incorrect whilst talking about Pol Pot, and why Scandinavian radish farmers would consider him to be a fucking genius. You see, Pol Pot is a bad man, but he has never once killed a Scandinavian radish farmer. I have never read a book in which it mentions Pol Pot killing a Scandinavian radish farmer. Therefore, Scandinavian radish farmers couldn’t possibly worry about Pol Pot killing them. Nextly, I would like to discuss that even though Pol Pot was evil and did many bad things, he is still government. If you don’t already know that, then you are an
idiot. This is an example of how mean my comedy can be (Don’t like? Do not read!). I have not slept in six days. That being said, if he is government, then that means that Scandinavian radish farmers probably have to listen to him, because we like to listen. This article is funny because I, Olof Georg Albriechtingnenienarigo, wrote it and sent it to the somewhathilarious Nonsense Humor Magazine. They are kind of funny, and you like to read funny things, so therefore this must be funny, because you are reading it. If you would like to read more of my work, please visit www.olofgeorgalbriechtingnenienarigo. com and you can leave a comment. Because I am a Scandinavian radish farmer, and I like to listen. Yours, Olof Georg Albriechtingnenienarigo Scandinavian Radish Farmer
An Open Letter To The People Of London Sweeney Todd in 500 Words On on April 20, 1969
Generalizations. They’re no good, right? Especially the bad ones. As fiction breeds stock characters with which to weave a narrative, non-fiction news reporting generalizes individual people to exploit for a story. Take me, for example. I, Sweeney Todd, the Honest Barber of Fleet Street, provide many goods and services to the people of the good city of London. I perform in public, I give expert shaves and haircuts, and I also help my girlfriend manage a bakery, which produces the freshest, highest quality meat pies around. Yet, the only publicity I get from the papers are intolerant and barbed criticisms. You see, the media is obsessed with labels. “Demon,” “cannibal,” “killer.” Those kind of labels breed hatred and spread mistrust. Although my business partners and I devote endless time and energy to caring for our sweet, sweet friends and neighbors, the instant that one person loses their life, I become
“The Demon Barber of Fleet Street.” Why can’t we move beyond these stereotypes? It may be true that I lure unsuspecting people into my barbershop, slit their throats, and slide them down the laundry chute into my girlfriend’s basement. But that’s not all I may or may not do. This dehumanizes me, causes me to lose business, and mostly just makes me feel sad. If, hypothetically, I stopped “killing my customers,” maybe the media would ease off a little bit. But, how would we stay on the cutting edge of the market if I changed this essential tenet of our operation? It comes down to the principle of the thing; no one should be expected to conform to the media’s warped, unrealistic depiction of morality nowadays. So yeah, call me what you will. With this, I, Sweeney Todd, “The Demon Barber of Fleet Street,” challenge the media to just stop noticing if I kill people. All this does is create a culture of negativity
and fear, and that has nothing to do with me! What’s the point in telling people about bad things that happen? Life is hard enough as it is, believe me. Let’s just only talk about good things from now on! We can all be better than the media machine. To the members of the media, I challenge you to write an editorial on how crisp and clean my haircuts are, rather than insinuating that I may or may not kill my patrons and bake them into pies. Obviously, no one is completely good or completely evil. Once society moves past this heinous moral binary, we can all work together to end this stereotype that plagues me and my business. Society needs to realize that barbers are people too, no matter what that sinking feeling in your gut tells you. After all, doesn’t everyone deserve to live their life in peace?