POINT
Santa How I finally Proved Doesn’t Exist By Sa m Riebs
Greg said so
Santa would probably have left a paper trail. Three’s no way he wouldn’t try to cash in on all these brands using him for ads! Greg has a 401k matching program, he’s so fiscally responsible.
This is Greg’s ure, favorite pict ows kn he ly clear what a lot about e th at s en pp ha
WWII. Surely if Santa existed he would have interjected in one of the greatest conflicts in history. So many lives at stake Mr. Claus, and yet you just watched from your tundra cottage? Pathetic. Greg invited me to go to an exhibit on England during WWII with him last weekend. I’m starting to read more about Churchill.
poles
Smog. Greg HATES smog. If santa really existed he would have used his magic to stop climate change. Greg cares about the environment so much.
COUNTERPOINT
Proof that the red one really does exist
Despite what some people erroneously believe, the Big Winter Man does exist and science has proved it. While I could site obvious sources such as those “legal” tracking websites, those are for cowards who have no grasp on the concept of legitimate field research. I drove across the United States for years, going from mall to mall, state to state, just to catch a glimpse of the Jolly Red One. Through all the nights spent alone, candy canes left uneaten, and knife fights with elves, I worked tirelessly to ensure that the world would know the truth about the Man of Gifts. Now it is time to let that truth be known. He Who Flys On That December Night is thought by many to be incredibly elusive. However, catching him is as easy as going to any mall in any state, except for Mississippi, where there is a large reward for He Who Ho’s soft round head. During the Holiday season, he can often be found near areas with excess amounts of candy-cane and fake snow. In order to get closer, I bathed myself in peppermint Schnapps to smell like an elf, and left the remaining seasonal liquid out as bait. When he finally appeared, I exper-
imented as much as the law would allow, from pulling on his beard to asking “Are you the Large Sky Boy?” over and over again. He looked me dead in the eye, his breathe smelling of Fireball, the Holiday Whiskey, and said “Yessh.” If that’s not proof, then I don’t know what is. If people must have further proof, look no further than the Horned Flying Dog. They pull the sled as the story goes, but everyone forgets how fast they can do it. According the Speed Laws developed by Dr. Speed Racer MD, they reach a solid speed of Mach X to the racer power. For those that don’t understand the scientific jargon, Superior Flying Steads go noom faster than anyone can say bazinga. If I were you and you were me, and I’m a renowned scholar on all things related to that One Winter Day, I think I would choose to the believe the words of a man obsessed with going as fast as scientifically possible. So much for the Great Gift Harbinger not being able to give all those delectable presents in one night. The only other evidence that could possibly be needed is the disappearance of the milk and
6
By Nathan Elliott
cookies. People leave the food to satisfy His infinite hunger. If this Red Man isn’t real, why do we fear him? We fear him and his hunger because they are very real, as science says. I personally am someone who fears nothing, not even the children at Chuck Entertainment Cheese, but as His presence loomed over me, I could do nothing but serve him copious amounts of cow teet and warm dough. In this frightful event, I discovered through scientific self-observation that the Great Jolly One has a place in our realm. In closing, He Who Holly’s The Jolly’s is very much real. In fact, he is so real that he exists in our universe and the beyond simultaneously. He’s in every mall, his Beasts of Wind forever fly, and his hunger is always infinite. He is real and you should be eternally scared, awed, and dazzled, at least for the holidays. While fools may still deny the existence of the Kind God of Gifts, true believers know that he is always close by, stuck between the life of a toymaker and the responsibilities of an elder god.