The Italian Goodbye by Ariel Leal
Some would say that I am a prodigy for becoming a detective in only thirty six minutes. Me? Well...I’d call it being the only motherfucker in a one mile radius who knows exactly where to find a trenchcoat. My grandpa’s lawn. It was there the whole time!! Mystery one? Solved. Next? This shit is just too easy. When I became a detective, I thought it was going to be a lot of The Law, bureaucracy, briefings, beef, and boxer briefs. Instead, I gotta invest in a snorkel because of all the fucking PUSSY I’m drowning in. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, I remember now. Mystery number two? Solved. Boring! Oh...you think these are the first two mysteries I’ve ever solved? Buddy, I’ve solved more mysteries than I can count on both hands and once you get passed that many, you stop counting because math is for the nerds. But I’ll tell ya, every great detective also comes with a BRICK SHIT-HOUSE worth of rivals, enemies, and nemeses. The most dastardly one? Well, let’s just say The Devil is real and he’s got a name. That name? Uncle Marlboro. Now, I’m not one to piss, but just writing that name out sends shivers down my crack and into my colon. He’s the only case I never solved...a NUTCASE. Hah. So what did he do? Well, you see, the best way to solve a mystery is to create one, that way, you know exactly how it was done because you were the one doing it and then you can solve it perfectly. With this logic in mind, I had to do what was best for The Criminal Justice System, and I took the lives of eight...teen people from my hometown. That’s eighteen guaranteed solved mysteries right there, and all without ever having to go to COP SCHOOL. So where does The Unc’ fit in? Well, he was the one that got away. That fuck. I may be The County’s Greatest Detective, but he’s The County’s Most Cherished Husband. How did I know this? My mother would tell me so. My mother is a villain that has been destroyed many years ago. In fact, she was my first case. Now, her filthy brother tries to stop me at every turn from fixing The Law...from fixing myself... I’ve tried to kill him so many times by throwing leftover cashews from my pocket at his face. At least 12
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