Hey baby are you a shooting star or just the light at the end of the tunnel?
A Day in the Life of
elon musk
By Toby Jaffe
6:00 AM SHARP- Wake up, wake all the way up. Nothing can stop me.
6:02- I’M ALL THE WAY UP. 6:04- Dance to some pre-released trap shit
in my cotton choo-choo decorated PJs for a few. Flail melodiously to the beat.
6:07- Boot up the ol’ Ipad and record. 6:09- Undress sexily. Stroke my naughty bits. 6:11- Bathe in hydroponic aquaporin and
red wine, scooping both astounding liquids with only the tallest of Bordeaux glasses.
6:35- Sip a bit. 7:01- Stare into the mirror. Shave. Comb. Flirt coyly with a friendly hair flip.
7:05- Remain undressed, except for my delightful silk robe.
7:20- Milk Walter, my wondrous pet goat. 7:33- Kiss Walter on the lips. 7:35- Whisper sweet nothings into his
saccharine, pointy ears about our dreams and the alternative dimensions we will discover if only they’d give us a damn chance.
8:02- Get dressed. Today I have chosen to
wear a superior black polo with the chest exposed (no chest hair, NEVER!) and some sensuous white khakis.
8:17-ISH- Prepare for today’s Space-X testlaunch. Expectations high, but realistic.
8:22- Eat a powerbar, savoring it as if to
know it closely, savoring it as if to fuck it.
8:39- Call that foxy Forbes reporter I once played scrabble with. Yes Yes, ladies and gentleman, I won. Of course I did. Ha Heh Heh (note from Toby: this is how Elon Musk actually laughs). Invite foxy Forbes reporter to the launch.
9:00- Well but who cares what time it is
because time is but an infinite soulless being -- Ponder, while driving at speeds once unimaginable some decades ago, why the Game Designers Above made me some damn charming and attractive. Yes. I love time. I love space.
10:08- Foxy Forbes reporter doesn’t show. 22
10:23- That’s fine, as my damn rocket
blew up not even four feet off the ground. Total disaster.
10:30- Assure myself weepily into cape
Canaveral bathroom mirror it’s not my fault.
11:04- I think – Compose. 11:30- Tug on my polo sleeves for many a
minute and concoct the perfect subtweet at NASA with that ever so perfect mix of aloof hostility and aw-shucks light-heartedness. Jolt the bastards with a smile!
11:56- “Turning out to be the most difficult and complex failure we have ever had in 14 years!” I write into my phone “where’s my money fuckers? You know who you are”. Brutal. Sleek. Devastatingly effective. I have those nerds in the palm of my sweaty, muscular man-hands.
12:05- Do some spicy nose sugar on the
to get done, ladies and gentleman. I’ve let many a burrito live inside me, yes, yes. Have I told you we’re going to Mars in less than 20 years? Have I told you it will be affordable? Have I told you it will be fun? Have I told you we will build restaurants and movie theaters? Have I told you space is one hell of a place? Have I told you everything?
3:35- Have I told you I want to cry? 3:46- Return home and immediately nap. Plan accordingly. The world waits.
8:05- Re-wake. 8:09- Refreshed. 8:14- Sensual and dashing as ever. 8:29- Fix some coffee and plot next move in basement office.
8:45- Calculations.
dash of a model colony ship.
8:59- Physics.
12:10- Sue Nonsense for printing that.
9:12- CHEMISTRY AND BIOLOGY.
Double sue them.
12:36- Hop into the Tesla and blast some Doobie Brothers.
12:38- Release powdery tears without control. 12:40- “WHAAAAAAT A FOOL BELIEVES!!!!”
TRY AND STOP ME. ALL THE WAY UP 252525194914525:259259292525 CALCULATE THE ACTUAL EXACT TIME OF THE UNIVERSE. NOTHING CAN STOP ME I’M
9:13- Call Business Insider with the news.
12:45- Stop by Valley Burrito Shop and
9:21- Call New York Times with the news.
12:47- Demand them stuffed with
this way: my pals like to call themselves the ‘Free Masons’. They live down the block. They liked to be alerted about this stuff. Ha heh heh. Mooks.
order five of those things.
everything on the menu. We’re talking guac and sour cream and lettuce and tomatoes and salsa and cheese and meat and frogs and plastic black bear genitals and washing machine hand grenades and oh my god what a day.
12:52- Throw up an avalanche of dollar
9:37- Call, uh, the, uh, well let me put it
10:33- Depart office, slip into PJs. 10:49- Masturbate lube-free(!) to a Ted Talk I gave in 11’.
bills and thank NO ONE. We’ve got no need for counters!
10:56- Finish up, keep watching this
1:03- Scarf these burritos down like the
11:01- Shut my eyes, flow into a restless
1:03 ON THE FUCKING DOT– Sprint
1:10- Infinite tell these mysterious dream
South African Mega-Leopard I am.
out to the tesla and drive. Just drive.
2:25- Feel the urge to release my burritos
into a splendid rest-stop toilet, remember that Elon must never poop. Too much work
wonderfully illuminating speech.
dreamworld that is realer than our own. 1 creatures, with their aspirations and passions, that only I can be Elon Musk! Only I.