! s e y ! s Ye By The Science
W
ow! It is being the age of the space, dear reader. The becoming has happened, the foundation is been laid, and you won’t be doing the believing! Like you, internet bookworm, I get all of my news from ifuckinglovescience.com, if only to be showing the people in my newsfeed I am doing the smart. Like you, small pair of eyes, I am doing the having a space poster on the wall of my room and I kiss it sweetly when I am lonely. Like you, plum of knowledge, I am doing the cornering of people at parties and impressing them with my facts about space. They never are wanting to be doing the fuck with me, but they uncomfortably leave the situation having done the knowing that I am smarter and more complex than they are. This morning, around the time when the morning star rises in the east, scientists did the confirming of a thing we had long been believing. Stay perched, for this news will do you an excited. I am the science, and you find me intriguing. Are you ready, quantum carpal tunnel? Here it is!
Space. It’s being the big. Incredible. I’m fucking thrilled. Yes. YES! We are living in the age of information and space exploration. It’s so profound and I am profound by extension. You may do the ask: “ARE YOU THE JOKE?” But I will grab my lips, and twist them together in a knot. “Splash splash,” I rub them together between my fingers. “Splash splash splash.” This will mean to you that I have been doing the real. Here’s how it did the happen, sexy bug rocket. Scientists did the taking the big ruler and unfurled its girth across the distance that is being the space. They sent a small boy in little booties out to lithely walk along the edge and find the measurement at the end. Then, they give him ice cream and new parents to compliment his imminent and destructive fame. The result of this experiment? ARE YOU READY FOR IT? Space is doing the fucking large, my sweet and tidy fridge Clark!
spAce biG! We have now done the discovery that space is not just spacious, not just being the vast, but that it is the BIG. And the reaction, the being the reaction, you and I do the throwing of our hands above our head, we do the opening of them to the sky and then the yell. Then the yell “YES! YES! IT IS NOW THAT THE SPACE IS THE BIG!” It is okay that I do it better than you, you will learn to keep up, Chechnya barstool. The event, the response did the happen as you’d expect, spicy soft serve. The NASA person who did do the announcing of it did the wearing of an offensive t-shirt and did the becoming of a bigger story than the actual bigness itself. The trends, the tweets, the memes they did appear out of a the darkness as vast as the space we now know is big. I have already started doing the writing of the pickup lines I will be doing the using the next time I run into an attractive specimen in the Doctor Who merchandise section of Hot Topic. Everything has been falling into place and it is time for us to be elated, tender gumdrop.
BE ELATED WITH ME. This is the news that will change the everything. This is the news that shall be getting you JOYOUS. This is the news that will get my Starship Enterprise (or yours) into the moist and vast cavern of space if you catch the drift that is mine. (but not too vast, am I doing the right? My space may be large but it is tight as a zipper’s tit.) It is now that the celebrate will happen. I am the science, this you know. This you have been knowing. I will tell you how it is you can imitate the science (but not become the science) and test the space that is big in these short and easy steps.
bring that horsepower, that manic energy into other ventures. I do not discriminate. Literally whoever you are. I am doing the having the sexual stamina of a raging pack of greased, ripped hairless wolverines with swagger in their step and hedonistic buoyancy in the firm saran wrap of their glistening skin. Second it is that you must look through the bottle, the bottle that you have made an opening in and look up at space. You will be surprised. You will be alarmed. Space will look small, but do not doing the believe. When I had done this for the first time, I clasped my hands together like Angela Merkel meeting Margaret Thatcher, creating a suction, and I shook them, once to the right, and once to the left. “Shake shake,” I did say. “Oh yes, the Good Shock.” Thirdly, you shall drop the bottle. Drop it from your hands into the storm drain, and encourage the deaths of the whales who do not matter in light of how big the space will appear to you, spread out above your head. You will have been tricked, bamboozled. The space that was small is large, and you feel the meaningless. Then, you will know what it is to feel empty, the way that you will feel when I leave you in your old age to pursue more attractive confections, my scrawny little fap shark. This is the bigness of space. Fall to the haunches, sing to the skies, open your maw and yodel into the night.
“YES, YES!” You will cry. Yes. “SPACE BIG.”
SPACE THEMED SCIENCE EXPERIMENT First it is that you must buy. Buy the soda. Particularly a lemon lime, my crockpot fiend. Drink the soda. Consume the soda. Then, do the take, do the take of the bottle and cut the hole out. Are you keeping up? Are you staying here on my level? Do I do the move too fast? I know that I am both the attractive and the smart, and I’ve got the speed of a smooth, taught Cobra who has the desire for the race. And I can Hey baby are you out of this world? Because I am... and I’m so cripplingly alone.