PleaseScience Fiction to Me
By Jesse Saunders
Explain
I
t started at my work last week, you know the last remaining blockbuster in the rugged wasteland that was once known as the United States. The one on Church Ave., the last standing building for miles in what was once a thriving democratic republic, oh I know you know which one I’m talking about. Anyway so this guy wanted to rent this movie called Interstellar, starring Matthew McConoughey star of government mandated film Failure to Launch. Apparently, it’s about this magical land called “space”, but honestly I don’t really get what this film was supposed to be about. My favorite customers refused to speak to me after I offered him a rewards card a week ago, but the second I mentioned everyone’s favorite Michael Bay film, Pearl Harbor, he unhinged his jaw and told me of the man who touched the stars. Did you know SPACE and SCI FI was so popular that sometimes people sang about it?!? We also sell music now, it’s a new program. My boss says if I don’t push everyone to buy at least one CD he will nominate me for customer of the month, and the last thing I need is to have my brain melt out from
inside me. I don’t get a bonus if my brain no longer sits in my skull. So because it wasn’t on the approved list for healthy films for healthy living, I had to do a bit of research but honestly I’m still confused. My blockbuster, you know the cradle of civilization in the crater of the world, doesn’t actually carry any of these so called fictional but somehow scientific films. There were literally dozens of them back when Tivo still existed or so the old rental logs told me. There was this one called the Martian in which a man gets lost on a planet called “Mars.” As if there are any other planets outside of the dead husk of world which we all inhabit. Based on some very illegal research I’ve been conducting, before the Greats outlawed looking up, people dreamed of going upwards. Some even saved the world by being underqualified for jobs in which they blew up asteroids using their blue-collar sensibilities. Guess we can’t all get minimum wage jobs at our local video store. This guy keeps coming in even though I’ve tried to explain to him several times that I just run the only business left in what was a thriving capitalist empire,
and that I don’t make the rules. He has this obsession with space though, he calls it the final frontier or something like that. I would like to disagree though considering that the Thompson’s farm is actually referred to as the final Frontier due to it being the last piece of inhabited land for miles. The breakdown of these movies usually follows a person who likes science and then finds themselves in the void. Some other stuff happens but as many before him, he was chosen as customer of the month and has not yet escaped the back room. Based on an old issue of everyone’s favorite tabloid, USA Today, Science Fiction films are HOT HOT HOT, and people enjoy them. I can’t really see the appeal though, I mean is the empty void and meaningless life lead by those not lucky enough to be customer of the month not enough for these people? What’s hot about something that people call a cold vacuum, if you ask me, and you should because I am an expert in all things, nothing. TBQH I’m really not seeing the appeal of it all, but maybe this guy was bad at explaining it to me. Space or whatever seems kind of lame, but who knows?
Help! I Spaced Out During My Daughter’s School Play and Now She Won’t Talk to Me. ROBERTUS_MAXIMUS (Major Leaguer)
11-03-15, 9:24 PM
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SHARKY
(Moderator) 11-03-15, 10:43 PM
Fellow dads on dadforums.baseball.com. … that game last night was something else and I know my boys Batterup205 and Lefthand_ Swinger will want to discuss it but I need to get something off my chest … I KNOW we don’t really do threads that aren’t about baseball on here, and I would usually never do this … I remember the last time Eight8Mile posted seeking advice since his wife had leukaplakia and all that… he immediately got perma-banned, but look ... I know we all have little ones in our life and I just really need some advice; hear me out, ok? I think I messed up tonight… Here’s the problem .. my girl, oh my beautiful baby girl, was the STAR in her school play tonight. I just never got all that drama stuff, so I ended up totally spacing out!! Now she just won’t talk to me! What do you guys think I should do? Can you guys blame me?? What do you think???? Please tell me what you think… The play .. Seussical (or as I like to say, Snoozical!) .. has some talking animals and talking plants, and something called the Lorax. Lorax? More like Bore-ax! ;) Not even that small troll-lookin guy could hold my attention … I am a grown man. Doesn’t my flawless, God-given, sweet, caring, compassionate, young daughter understand that I am too old for Seussical? Can’t my beautiful, bright daughter just show a little compassion and see that Daddy would rather be home watching the Sox lose to the Indians … AGAIN? (come on boys .. you’re better than this) I love my little girl … I know I should have been rooting for her in her big scene, but can you blame me for instead imagining the cracking noise of opening a nice cold Bud Light …(my beer of choice) … that I could very well be enjoying on my couch? Wouldn’t you guys do the same? Anybody … ? I’m just doing my best to try and support my little girl but it’s so hard… My wife was also there … she found me spacing out halfway through the play and gave me the cold shoulder for the rest of the night .. not that that’s any different than usual – typical ball and chain, right? You guys know what they say, right? … She gives you the cold shoulder, you give her the bed to herself for the night..hah My daughter has been locked in her room all night … I’ve been knocking over and over .. she won’t let me in. She won’t speak a word. She only slipped out a piece of paper with my picture drawn on it and a big red X over my body! Men...brothers of sport..I think she will kill me. I think my princess is planning something ugly ... I didn’t mean to make her so mad... I’ll say it again .. I love and support everything she does … I truly love my daughter, as well as my wife... I just can’t help that school musicals are so GD boring (oops, one for the swear jar .. sorry honey!). I will take any and all advice you can give me … so hopefully, my daughter will stop plotting to kill me with drawings, and maybe, my wife will give me a little something for mending all the trouble. As they say boys...you gotta swing for the fences .. so that even when you fail .. you land among the stars. __________________________________________________________________________________________
“Somebody once asked me if I ever went up to the plate trying to hit a home run. I said, ‘Sure, every time.” – Mickey Mantle ROBERTUS_MAXIMUS
That’s three stirkes… baseball posts only … perma-banned …ur out ;)
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